just showing up

Hitting publish

2012-01-25T07:34:00.007-07:00

Kevin and I at the Vatican. Just because.

So a sweet friend asked me some questions about Catholicism in the comments section on a previous post. I took the time to hammer out a response in the form of a blogpost, because it's entirely too long for a comment. But I haven't published it yet.

I'm honestly not sure what kind of a blog I'm running here. It is part mom blog, part adoption blog, and part Catholic blog, with a ~~lot~~ little bit of random thrown in for good measure. I spend my days navigating the waters of motherhood, homeschooling, and faith. We go to Mass and spend time with friends. I clean my house and read good books. We're busy. Oh, so busy. And then I write. Here.

The truth is that I don't want my blog to center around apologetics because nothing I rehash will be as succinct or complete as what is already written in the Catholic Catechism or in dozens of books by people smarter than me. I can point you towards good resources and I can tell my own story, but beyond that, there are others far better suited for that sort of thing.

At the same time, I want to answer your questions. My friend asked some good ones, like what are Protestants missing out on? and what about papal infallibility? So, I'm torn. I don't want to have a big ol' debate here or alienate readers (okay my post is really not all that exciting), but at the same time, ecumenical dialogue can be beneficial and anyway, someone asked.

So, I don't know. But that's why there's not been a blogpost from me lately. I suspect that I'm still mildly uncomfortable with the whole Catholic identity thing, because even though I was a closeted, wannabe Catholic for years, it was only a few months ago when I officially and openly "switched sides". I keep going back and forth about the post partly because I don't want to take a stand in explaining my-beliefs-that-aren't-necessarily-YOUR-beliefs. But is that me being ashamed of Jesus? And of the Gospel? Sadly, I think so. Sigh.

This whole conversion experience has been incredibly humbling for me. Because I was raised in a Christian home. I was always that kid that knew the Bible stories and the Sunday School answers. I never experienced persecution or even suspicion of my beliefs. But now, in Catholic circles, I'm the new kid. The one who doesn't always know whose feast day it is and who, up until recently, would regularly genuflect on the wrong knee. And in non-Catholic circles, I feel uneasy when my daughter {proudly} shows the physical therapist her picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Will this woman think we don't have a personal relationship with Jesus or are trying to buy our way into Heaven or that we worship Mary?

Heaven forbid someone actually finds out we're Catholic, and that I have an opportunity to share about my faith.

Ridiculous, right? Well, yes. And I apparently decided to be all transparent and tell you about that here. And now I'm going to go think about my other post some more and hopefully, eventually, I'll have the gumption to hit the publish button.

Friday night noise

2012-01-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Anna, making noise on her recorder, with sisters looking on.

Has it really been a week since my last blogpost? Ack!

We've been busy, and I've had a cold of some sort complete with assorted sinus headaches.

And I've actually written two posts, but haven't published them, and I'm not sure if I will. One of them has the potential to be polarizing, and the other is maybe just too honest.

Truth be told I'm actually feeling a little lacking in the blogging-motivation department. Coming up with topics to write about, keeping up on emails, and answering questions feels more draining than energizing as of late.

And as a result I've been thinking about how social media dominates our culture and while so much of it is good, perhaps more is mediocre.

A priest recently remarked to me that Americans have an obsession with reading books by popular or famous people, instead of reading quality literature written by true, classic AUTHORS. An astute observation.

I think I definitely want to cultivate good taste in my life. To read excellent pieces of literature written by brilliant minds. To study the lives of virtuous saints who followed after God with all of their being.

So I'm thinking about paring down my list of blogs I read, and spending a little less time on Facebook. And I'm hoping to spend more time reading things that challenge, inspire and fill me up.

It's funny because I recently looked through a book written by someone who is popular (though quickly becoming notorious) in certain Christian circles. NOT because I was interested in the book, but because it's controversial, and I wanted to see what they had to say, for myself. And I only bring it up here because it's a good reminder that there's a lot of noise out there. And by noise I mean blogs and how-to's and this is what marriage/life/motherhood/religion/fashion/________ is all about. Methinks most of that noise is probably not worth listening to.

And yes I'm all too aware that my own blog is adding to the noise. And, I love to blog. I do. And I'm going to keep at it. But I've been thinking this week about what my blog is and what it should be and what it should not be, and I still kind of don't know. It's always been a bit of a hodge-podge of things, perhaps even moreso now since my conversion--as I'm regularly either writing or answering peoples' questions about the Catholic Faith.

So, yeah. Some random Friday night thoughts for you all. And a cute picture of four of my daughters at a church talent show on New Year's Eve. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and to a lovely weekend of relaxation and time spent with friends. Happy Friday!

Moms can thrive too

2012-01-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Me and Brad Pitt in Rome. :) And yes, I'm holding a sippy cup on my trip to Italy. It's 'cause I'm a thriving mom.

You need to read this excellent post by Jennifer Fulwiler, who is hands-down one of my favorite bloggers.

She's given voice to some things in this piece that I've long thought, but have not been able to articulate or put my finger on. That is what good writers do, of course.

See I've noticed that ever since adopting my twin sons (propelling us from one to three children nearly six years ago), people have come to have some odd expectations of me and my life. Now of course we have seven kids, and ohmygoodnessgracious, the COMMENTS.

"Oh WOW, you don't LOOK like you have seven kids."

Do you hear the crickets? What is a mom to seven kids SUPPOSED to look like?! Thank you, person-I'm-meeting-for-the-first-time, for sizing up my appearance and making me uncomfortable.

When I share about something like how I'm not all crafty or creative or _________, I get a lot of ,"Well you don't have TIME with your seven kids!"

Or, you know, I just totally stink at crafts. But thanks for coming up with an alternative explanation for why I can't cut straight with scissors or why I don't know how to work my sewing machine.

These things have always bothered me--and for more than a few reasons.

Ultimately, I don't like feeling discounted as a human being.

Yes, I have seven children.

Yes, four of them are adopted.

Yes, three of them are biological.

Yes, I also have two children who live with Jesus, which means I've been pregnant five times.

Yes, we are practicing Catholics so most likely there will be more pregnancies and babies at some point.

But I'm still me. I like reading good books and watching old Seinfeld reruns, and I straighten my hair most days and I typically wear makeup when I leave the house. I probably don't look so different from you on the outside, unless you see me pull up in my big van with my passel of kids. Then you can cue the circus music.

Being a wife and a mom-to-seven is a funny thing. I'm not one of those people who thinks a good wife is obligated to spend a bunch of time on her appearance or look a certain way. I actually can't stand when Christians attempt to make a Biblical case for women "not letting themselves go". Yuck. But I've shared before about how I do feel a certain responsibility? compulsion? pressure? to look halfway decent when I'm out with my children.

And, friends, this is why. The low expectations. The disdain for a culture of life. The assumption that raising more than a child or two robs a woman of the opportunity and ability to thrive.

THAT is what bothers me so much. And THAT is why you'll find me wrestling my kids through Costco with hair brushed and makeup on. And THAT is why you won't see me in yoga pants at McDonalds. If I go somewhere by myself, absolutely. Hair pulled back, no makeup, and some sort of comfortable, ill-fitting clothing. But not when the kids are with me.

And I know, it's ridiculous. And kind of pointless. And completely vain. But when I put effort into my appearance, I somehow feel like I'm sticking it to all the people who think being an open-to-life mom must be a drudgery and misery worthy of perpetual frazzled-ness and stained sweatshirts. Of course you better believe that there are moments spent in survival mode and days when I don't get out of my pjs. (Which is perfectly A-OK in my book--sorry conservative Evangelicals.) But I can still be a woman overall who laughs, has authentic friendships, enjoys being married, and loves life. Oh, and who poses with a wax replica of Brad Pitt on a trip to Rome with her husband and 18-month-old.

There were a few people in the comments section who disagreed with Jennifer's article, insisting they are simply surviving, and that this point of view places an undue burden on moms. I comPLETEly understand where they're at--like I said, I have those days/weeks/phases/years too--but I don't think the premise was that we OUGHT to be pursuing hobbies and fitness and such, but instead that we should be sending the message that motherhood is not mutually exclusive with quality of life. Not to mention, it is precisely in those times of survival mode where God is building virtue and humility and discipline and charity.

So that is actually a form of quality of life too. Perhaps even moreso. Hmmm.

I suppose if I could send one message to newly married or engaged women, it would be the oft-quoted words of Blessed Pope John Paul II: Be not afraid. Don't be afraid to live, to be fruitful, to look motherhood straight in the eye. Don't be afraid of what it's like with five kids when you only have one, and don't be afraid when your days at home changing diapers feel meaningless and miserable.

Because sometimes things are hard, sometimes things are really good, and all of it has the potential to bring forth beauty and holiness in your life. See it as such. Thrive where you are, when you can, in your own way.

And friends, please, don't assume that all moms hate their lives. There can be a deeply held sense of joy and purpose even in the darkest of suffering. A woman may look stretched thin on the outside, but you can be sure God is doing a mighty work on the inside. That's the beauty and mystery of vocation, and of faith in the unseen. And if that's not reason to thrive, then I don't know what is.

The big picture and the microscope

2012-01-09T07:19:00.001-07:00

Just putting down some thoughts I've been having lately, thoughts on the apparent discrepancy between my vision for my family and the actual way that plays out.

Being a homeschooling mom to seven is all kinds of awesome, and I love our big crazy noisy family. And I really kind of love the idea of having a big crazy noisy family.

That's big picture stuff.

But Saturday night, when our big crazy noisy family had dinner out, Tigist had a rough time and I had to work hard to keep her happy, and while the food was amazing my nerves were pretty much shot.

So that's the up-close, under-the-microscope, just another day with the Heldts perspective. :)

Interestingly, what's happening under the microscope involves big picture things--the fact that my dear daughter has only been home a few months, is regularly frustrated because her cognitive abilities currently surpass her physical abilities, and the girl has a hard time with food, period. All formerly-an-orphan-living-in-an-institution behaviors that are really not surprising in the least. (Not that her throwing injera at the back of her sister's head or knocking over a cup of water doesn't, you know, catch us off guard from time to time.)

I guess I find it to be a balancing act, living that tension between the big picture and the everyday up-close. Because there's nothing too sweeping or grand about most of the microscopic stuff in my life...whether it's me making oatmeal for the 200th morning in a row or my kid yelling at one of their siblings or my two year olds being noisy at Mass. The days go slowly and while I love the adage "it's the little things in life", I think it's also the big things, too.

Like remembering that my kids love each other even when they're mean, that my simple meals are providing nourishment for growing bodies and brains and souls, and that there is eternal value for me and my children in going to worship Jesus at Mass--even if I'm hissing at babbling toddlers.

Because without all that? Without direction and meaning and purpose and the unseen-mattering-oh-so-much-more-than-the-seen? Life suddenly becomes empty and overwhelming. Needy children, loading the dishwasher, hauling crying two year olds out of church, all.of.it. Day-to-day repeating itself 365 times a year. No wonder it's incredibly tempting to seek my identity in something outside of my home or to wistfully wonder if so-and-so has it so much better than me.

See without the big picture, it's easy to believe that motherhood is merely an inconvenient stop on my journey, a diaper-filled diversion tactic that life has thrown my way. If I can just endure, better times are up ahead at five-star restaurants and on romantic getaways to Europe. Don't you know that real life is lurking just beyond this 18-year-bend?

And oh how I fall into believing this from time to time.

And oh how I want to do better at looking towards the big picture while still living in the now. Internalizing the idea that there is eternal significance to shepherding the seven small and oh-so-precious souls in my home. Embracing the truth that there is infinitely deep meaning to our family routines and simple chores and even the most basic of meals on the table. Because ultimately it's doing God's work. And hopefully growing in virtue all the while, because God seems to think that the mundane is a far better crucible for virtuousness and holiness than the date-night five star restaurants and excursions to Europe.

So even though injera was thrown and water spilled by an angry baby on Saturday night, that's not the whole story. If I back up a few steps, if I grab a lense wide enough to actually see the whole table, I see that:

Our family was able to share a meal with a dear friend and his son--who were available to meet us for Ethiopian food and conversation on five-minutes-notice.

I see Mary Lu hand-feeding her two new sisters. Not because they need her to, but because she loves them.

I see Mekdes doing a silly dance, growing happier and more confident by the day, her balance improving and no evidence at all that she had open heart surgery a month ago...save for the large scar hidden underneath her pretty, new, houndstooth shirt.

I see Tigist surrounded by six children who never, ever get angry with her for occasionally disrupting their mealtimes with cries-of-frustration-because-she's-had-a hard-life. They love her. Without condition.

I see my husband who provides for us and loves us so well and takes seriously his role as husband and father and who scoops me ice cream at night.

It should come as no surprise then that I am madly in love with the big picture, with God's overarching story that He's writing with our lives. But that part's easy to love, and the truth is that I can't love that picture without also loving the little things. At the same time, I can't appreciate those little things and the beauty and virtue they produce unless I have the big picture in mind.

It's a tension. And it's a good one. May I more fully come to embrace the role my everyday plays in the big picture.

7 Quick Takes Friday {#30}

2012-01-06T07:28:00.001-07:00

1.) It's been awhile since I participated in 7 Quick Takes Friday. I really like it, but I find I have a hard time keeping my takes "quick." One of the trickiest parts of writing for me. So I should probably do it regularly, for the discipline alone.

2.) Not sure if you follow politics or not, but I find it pretty crazy that Romney beat Santorum by a mere 8 votes in the Iowa Caucus this week. Apparently sometimes our votes DO count!

3.) Speaking of voting, I'm currently registered as "Decline to State." Lame. I need to change that so I can actually participate in the primaries. (I haven't always been registered as such but upon moving to Colorado, when the woman at the DMV asked my affiliation, that's what I said--in an act of protest. This was at the tail-end of my aforementioned Brian McLaren-social-justice-activist phase. I'm over it.)

4.) Yesterday morning by 9 am I'd gotten my big kids out the door for the day, and had completely organized my upstairs bathroom cupboards and drawers. I felt like a superhero. For reals.

5.) Of course once you organize one thing, you think about all the million OTHER places in the house that are in desperate need of some TLC. And suddenly you don't feel like a superhero anymore.

6.) We watched that movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose a few weeks ago, and in spite of shutting my eyes at all the scary parts I'm STILL terrified. In less-scary movie news, we finished watching It's a Wonderful Life with the kids last night, and it had me weeping by the end. Happens every time! (And it's one of the best movies ever, IMO.)

7.) I'm attending a meeting next week for a different homeschool program than the one we currently attend. I LOVE the one we go to, but I have several good friends at this other one, and the kids' closest friends from church attend as well. Of course I HATE change, and it's possible that we won't make the switch anyway depending on how many fine arts are offered, but part of me really hopes it works out. It's a bit closer to my house as well, which would be nice.

*******************************************************************************

Thanks to Jen at Conversion Diary for hosting!!!

She is loved

2012-01-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

Last night.

Mary hurt herself somehow on her way down the stairs. Because, you know, she's two...and a bit reckless when she picks up speed.

Upon hearing the thump and her subsequent crying, five of her siblings came rushing to her side...all from different parts of the house.

And took her into their laps.

And began singing the sweetest rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" that ever I have heard. One of the few songs Mekdes knows, so I'm assuming that's why they chose it. The girl loves to sing.

Of course Mary stopped crying.

And just sat. And listened. While one of her brothers softly played with her hair.

They must have sung about seven rounds or so. On the stairs. Not loud and gregarious, but gentle and sweet.

Every mama hopes her children will get along with each other...be compassionate...love well. My kids, my parenting, my homemaking, all of these are faaaaaaar from perfect, but I see God's hand and mercy on our lives every single day. I suppose I can't ask for much more than that.

And the truth is that I find myself frequently challenged by my children to be more loving, patient and accepting. Which is humbling, because my oldest is, um, 7 years old. Who'dve thought?

I'm seriously starting to think that God did when He designed the whole marriage-bringing-forth-children and love growing exponentially and self-sacrifice leading to charity thing. And I got to see that in action last night, in spite of my stomachache and sleepiness and discouragement about homeschooling.

A gift straight from God to encourage me in my vocation, just when I needed it.

And how very blessed Mary is to have such dear, wonderful brothers and sisters. She is loved. And she knows it. What more could a mother possibly want for her child?

When international adoption is hard

2012-01-04T12:36:00.001-07:00

Meeting Mekdes in her orphanage for the first time

There's been some online ~~drama~~ discussion recently about when international adoption goes awry. About when, for any number of reasons, the placement is deemed not to be a good fit, or a referral must be refused, or when a family decides they are ill-equipped to parent a particular child.

I must confess that there was a time when I truly believed that most everybody over the age of 10 ought to be adopting children. This was back in what I call my "Brian-McLaren-social-justice-activist-phase". When I'd first become jaded with evangelicalism. (And read books by people in the emergent church movement.) I wanted to know the point of this religion I'd practiced my entire life--not a crisis of faith but a seeking to understand faith's context and the Christian life's purpose. (Just thinking back to that time makes me unbelievably grateful for God leading us to the Catholic Church, and for the doctrine of vocation.)

We'd returned with our sons from Ethiopia and, days later, while sitting in church singing Chris Tomlin songs, I couldn't shake the feeling that nobody but me cared about the orphan crisis.

Because, you know, I was magically able to discern precisely what people cared and prayed about, and where they gave their money, and what God wanted them to be doing.

Ew. That level of arrogance is embarrassing to admit!

Now though, roughly six years after making that first (of three) trips to Ethiopia, I'm beginning to see the nuances to the global orphan crisis. I can see the challenges inherent in international adoption, and I can see that there is such a thing as a poor fit. We'd begun our own adoption process this time around with two particular girls in mind...but had to switch gears when it was revealed that the older of the two had been sexually abusing other children at the orphanage. Clearly not an acceptable placement for a family with five young children already in the home. Clearly not an acceptable placement for a girl who needs time and space to heal. Thankfully we had signed no paperwork, nor did the girls know there was a family considering them. We were in no way committed or official at that point. It was all very sobering.

And of course international adoption in general is not easy. Not at all. The beginning transitional period is hard, there are usually residual challenges, and sometimes you wonder how in the world it's all going to work out. Yes adoption is an amazing peek into the redemptive heart of God, and something we are blessed to experience, and OH MY GOODNESS I love my children, but it is surely not easy, not always peaceful, and doesn't always (ever?) go like the books say it will.

And sometimes it feels and looks more like this than the sweet picture at the top of this post.

So these days I find myself having more and more compassion for families who must make difficult decisions regarding adoption.

Now do allow me to say that I DON'T think a family should take any of these things lightly (most don't), or go into a country expecting a "healthy, young-as-possible-child" because they don't want any "issues." Because that's naive. ANY child who has:

been abandoned or relinquished
had a revolving door of caregivers
been undernourished or malnourished
lived in an institution
been born to a woman in a high-stress situation

is going to have great potential for "issues." Doesn't matter how young they are at the time you take custody. They may have attachment struggles. PTSD. Learning delays. ADHD. Sensory Processing Disorder. Undiagnosed medical conditions. Heart defects requiring open heart surgery. Past history of sexual or physical or emotional abuse You.just.don't.know.

And I am of the opinion that stable families ought to at least consider and pray about adopting a waiting child. There is great need, and there is great blessing. That being said, not everyone ought to adopt, and those who do must go in with eyes open. Consider what YOUR particular family may be a good fit for (and how much you can be stretched--usually more than you think). Then find where you can best meet that need.

Once our initial adoption ideas fell through, we had to re-group and begin the discernment process all over again. Through research and prayer we realized our happy little family had the potential to be a good fit for a child with Down syndrome, and lo and behold there was a need. As a result, we have added two beautiful daughters to our family (both born with Trisomy 21).

One of them, unable to do much at all with her legs three months ago, is now attempting to climb from her highchair onto our kitchen table. The other, who struggles with balance and walking, made her own bed and dressed herself for the first time this morning. Precious victories for our girls.

When I read about families who change their minds or have to back out or who end up actually disrupting an adoption, I am reminded that adoption and parenting and poverty are a messy business.  When I'm tempted to judge, I think back to 2006 and about the Chris Tomlin songs and how I thought I had a lot of things figured out. I think about how our own process in 2010 changed course in the blink of an eye due to things not in our control. And I'm reminded that I can't know your heart, or your limits, or what God has for you when it comes to adoption.

It's a funny balancing act because I DO long to advocate for the waiting child and oh how I want people to know that they are more capable than they think, and that fear ought not hold them back. I especially want people to know that there are so very many waiting children with Down syndrome, children who need parents, and that this just plain should.not.be.

But I have a lot of friends who are raising really difficult children. And I have a lot of friends who have disrupted their adoptions.  The truth is that where there is adoption, there was first loss. And where there is loss, there is pain. Brokenness. Unpredictability. Don't go into adoption looking for a quaint Norman Rockwell painting. Because it's more like an abstract work-in-progress. Don't expect your friends with adopted children to look like the Brady Bunch. Chances are, they've been through some challenges and will continue to need support and acceptance. Sometimes those friends will need to regroup or make a decision that doesn't make sense to you. Seek to understand.

In the interest of full disclosure, all of our adopted children have been overall sweet, loving, and willing to attach.  From day one. We have had a relatively easy go with adoption. Our family is happy and everybody works well together. But I admit that in spite of all that, it's still been hard at times. Not necessarily because of my children, but because of my own need for control and order, and my impatience. I unfortunately get frustrated when a child refuses to use the toilet, takes a long time to grasp what I see as a simple concept.

Suffice it to say, being a mama is humbling. And having children from the hard places will profoundly change your life. I am incredibly blessed to have each of my four Ethiopian children, and am ever so glad that in God's grace He led our family to adopt them. And all I can say in response to the online brouhaha is that I find myself increasingly humbled and grateful that He continues to give us the strength and faith and hope and love for this sometimes-difficult journey.

Catholicizing my kids

2012-01-03T07:11:00.004-07:00

I shared last week about our experience joining the Catholic Church--with kids in tow.

If you've been through this, then you know that conversion is, well, a funny thing when you have little ones with lots of questions--and opinions. Because our faith is central to everything we do (or ought to be, anyway), this switch was a family issue for us, not simply a private theological shift for Kevin and I. The books we read and the prayers we said and the church we attended would all be a bit different. So I thought I'd share some resources and practices that we've found helpful along the way.

One of the most important steps was actually explaining the Mass, and Catholicism in general, to our children. We purchased a couple of books for just this purpose:

We Go to Mass, a simple board book for the littler ones

and

The Mass Book for Children for my bigger kiddos.

Our family loves Saint stories. A year or so ago I bought The Children's Book of Saints, which is great for short daily readings.

Then some dear friends of ours gifted us with these out-of-print gems.

And we LOVE them, our favorites by far! We try to make sure we read about whichever saint is having a feast day that day.

I've always made sure that we have some type of religious instruction as part of our (home)school day. This year I've begun using a Catechism curriculum by Faith and Life. Kids learn various prayers and also about the doctrines of the faith. There's an accompanying Activity Book that's great, and the lesson book includes lots of wonderful artwork. I'm really enjoying this resource.

We read the Bible each day. I'm still hunting around for just the right Catholic Children's Bible, but one thing I've enjoyed is just doing the daily weekday Mass readings with the kids. We have the Catholic One app on our Kindle Fire, and we also have a Roman Missal.

Weekday Mass. I would love, love, love for us to eventually make it to 8 am Mass the majority of the days of the week. Really. Recently I've tried shooting for ONE weekday Mass (and of course we always go on Sundays.) It's an amazing way to start our family's day, but of course the main obstacle is getting seven kids fed and out the door so early, then keeping the two 2-year-olds semi-quiet during the 30-minute Mass. But it's always worth it. The kids really enjoy getting up and going to weekday Mass. And I'm finding that I do too.

When we attend Mass on Sundays, we try not to sit TOO far back, so my kids can see what's going on and feel as if they're participating. I also don't personally allow my children to bring toys along. While they seem to work well for others, I've found that for us, they wind up just being a distraction and way more trouble than they're worth. Plus, I feel like my five oldest kiddos (ages 4-7) are capable of sitting, standing, kneeling, singing, praying, and getting a little something out of the homily. I try to always excitedly remind them during the Consecration that Jesus is here now!!!, and what a miracle it truly is.

My four oldest kids received their own set of Rosary beads in their respective Christmas stockings this year. (Oh, you didn't know Santa is all about Marian devotions? Well, he totally is. He even brought each of them a little picture of Bernadette with a Rosary at Lourdes. 'Cause that's how Santa rolls around here.)

Each of my kids has their own small crucifix--Mekdes and Tigist each have one from Ethiopia, and my other kids' came from the Vatican, in Rome. We picked all of them up on our trips this past year (just prior to joining the Church.) They love kissing Jesus and really value them. So, so sweet.

So, those are some of the resources and sacramentals and practices we've stumbled upon, and found beneficial so far. But enough about me. How about you? How do you incorporate the Catholic Faith into your family life?

Journey to Rome: Converting with kids

2011-12-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Yosef, Anna and Biniam in front of the Nativity scene after 10 pm Mass on Christmas Eve

When you have seven kids, you don't do anything alone. :)

This part of our journey has actually been tricky at times. To be honest, part of me was positively terrified as I gradually came to the conclusion (as did my husband) that we needed to convert to Catholicism. Because it's one thing to quietly assent to Church teaching, and it's another to instruct your children in those things. I felt a heavy weight of responsibility, and all of the dogmas and doctrines that were difficult for me to wrap my head around were completely magnified when attempting to explain them to our kids.

And, our kids had questions. When we talked to them about needing to leave our church for the Catholic Faith, they wanted to know things like, "But don't the people at our church love Jesus too?" Yes, yes they do. "Well why do we have to go to a different church, then?" And although Mass is shorter than most Protestant church services, the kids are in the pew with us the whole time. So initially, they felt as if Mass wasn't as "fun" as our Protestant church. "My knees hurt when we have to kneel! Why do we have to stand and sit so much? Why don't we get to go to Children's Church?" And my oldest took communion as a Protestant, so she of course wanted to know why she can't yet receive the Eucharist at Mass.

All of this was hard for me, because my children have always, always loved church. I want this component of their spiritual life to be a positive thing, and most of all I want them to embrace the Mass--and ultimately the Catholic Faith--because we believe it is Christ's Church.

So suffice it to say that we had a lot of discussions. We talked about how not everyone who loves Jesus is Catholic. We explained however that we wanted to be Catholic, because we believe it is the fullness of faith and God's desire for His children. We told them about the Reformation. We explained the Mass and how we get to witness the miracle of the bread and wine becoming Jesus' actual body and blood, just like He and Paul talk about in the Bible.

And wouldn't you know it, in God's mercy our kids started getting the hang of the whole thing. They quickly made some dear buddies at our parish. They adore--and I mean, adore--our wonderful (and patient-with-small-children) priest. They (usually) know when to genuflect and kneel and stand and make the sign of the cross and pray, and they (usually) all say the Our Father and Nicene Creed when it's time. They know the Hail Mary and the Guardian Angel prayer and, um, know more about the Rosary than I do.

And wanna know what I'm discovering?

The Catholic Faith is, for lack of a better word, earthy. Ultimately, Catholics believe that God uses the stuff of this earth in supernatural ways. And while there may not be any flannelgraph or glitter glue or Sunday School Charlie involved, the Catholic Faith is (in many ways) actually easier for kids to grasp. The crucifix vs. an empty cross, the bells during the Consecration, different postures during the Mass, incense and prayers and statues and Holy Water and Rosary beads. Things you can see, hear, smell, touch. Perfect for children (and adults!) to worship God and actively participate in His Church.

And the truth is that my kids see some things much more naturally than I do. Mary as our mother, for example. And the Sacrament of Baptism with its washing away of original sin. They just get it. No, they wouldn't be able to write a theological discourse on any of it (although my oldest did come up with a GREAT analogy about Baptism last week!), but they get it. Faith like a child and all that.

In many ways I suppose we're playing catch-up. I bet (and hope!) my kids' kids will be better catechized than mine, because I officially became a Catholic at age 30, as opposed to age 7 or 4 or 2. But we're doing our best, and God continues to be gracious with us.

There are several resources and practices I've found helpful along the way in making this transition as a family, and I'll plan to share those with you later this week. In the meantime I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas!

Advent

2011-12-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Having just converted to Catholicism two months ago, this is our first Advent we've celebrated as Catholics. And, surprise surprise, I've loved it.

The Liturgical Calendar is pretty amazing in and of itself. The fact that this is how the Church has marked time for centuries-upon-centuries is remarkable. The idea that we can build our faith around the seasons is really beautiful.

And prior to a year ago, I really didn't know much about Advent, beyond the wreath with the four candles (why IS that one pink?) that was lit weekly in churches I attended. I guess I'd always just assumed that Advent was another word for the Christmas season.

But it turns out that Advent is actually all about preparation, penance, and the anticipation of Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save the world. And the pink candle is there as a reminder of the joy that will come at Christmas. (So glad I finally got that figured out!)

This really has been an amazing past four weeks for me. We've been reading the daily Mass readings each day at home (Old Testament, responsorial Psalm, and Gospel) and OH my goodness, we will be continuing with this. It is positively amazing to see the prophecies and what they point to, and how everything ties together. We've been trying to make it to weekday Mass at least once a week, which has also been incredible (although a bit stressful on account of the two-year-olds, who find it perfectly acceptable to occasionally start babbling while the priest is talking.)

To be honest, I find that Christmas makes so much more SENSE...it is so much fuller and easier and Christ-focused and more beautiful to celebrate...when it is observed in its context. We spend four weeks preparing our hearts and minds for Jesus, reflecting on Mary's willingness to say yes, on John the Baptist's preparing the way, all of it. My kids have such a deeper understanding and appreciation of Christmas too.

So as my first official Advent comes to a close, as the anticipation leads into celebration of Christ's Mass (did you know that's what the word Christmas means and comes from?!), I am ever so grateful for the Church, the Liturgical year with its seasons and feast and fast days, for Mary and the role God gave her in redemption, and most of all for Jesus who came into our world as a baby to save us from our sins.

Gifts are wrapped and under the tree, the fudge is made, my cards are ready to be mailed out (Christmas lasts until Epiphany so I'm technically not late!), and we'll be at 10 pm Mass tonight. What a joy it will be to receive Jesus in the Eucharist and kick off our Christmas celebration worshipping God come to Earth.

I hope you have a wonderful and celebratory Christmas Eve, friends!

If I was sending out Christmas cards

2011-12-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

This is what I would send.

Mary Lu, um, doesn't like Santa.

Never has, actually.

I honestly think this is the best photo we've taken in a long, long time.

Probably since last Christmas, when we snapped this gem:

And let's be honest: who really wants a bunch of polished, happy-shiny-people-holding-hands photos of their kids with Santa anyway? That's just boring.

So I'll take my angry kid on Santa's lap any ol' day.

Just another Christmas with the Heldts!

When 7 kids is too much

2011-12-15T07:05:00.001-07:00

I know, the title of this blogpost is perhaps a bit surprising coming from me: enthusiastic promoter of openness to life, advocate for waiting-child adoption, and now a card-carrying Catholic.

But I'll be honest and say there ARE times when seven children feel like a LOT.
When my home feels really FULL.

When life is literally speeding along and it's all just a bit too much...or so it seems.

About a month ago our two new daughters, both born with Down syndrome, underwent heart surgery...on the same day. We were at the hospital by 6 am, I'd only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before, and while they allowed us to go home the same day, it was still completely exhausting and draining.

A dear friend had our other five kids at her house that afternoon. So when I brought Mekdes and Tigist home from the hospital early that evening, Kevin headed over to collect our other children.

The minute the girls and I hit the door, the exhaustion set in.  Probably the most tired and depleted I'd felt in a long time. All I could think about was putting on pajamas and crawling into bed--too bad it was only 5 pm.  But at least the house was quiet, and calm, with just the three of us in it. The girls were pretty subdued after the day they'd had.

But eventually, Kevin and the other five showed up. Which meant noise. And lots of it.  It meant five kids excitedly jockeying to see who got to give Mekdes and Tigist hugs first, it meant Anna playing the piano, Kaitlyn playing games with the two heart patients, my boys racing around talking about all the fun they'd had at our friends' house, and Mary Lu babbling away and giving me hugs.

Oh, and the questions. "How did the surgeries go?" "Are Mekdes and Tigist okay, mom?" "Are they going to be okay?"

To say I was overstimulated by this point would be more than a bit of an understatement. :)

Because I had nothing.left. at the end of that oh-so-long day, but of course my kids weren't deterred by that in the least. It was one of those times where I look around wondering, "How do we do this every day?  How on EARTH are we surviving? How am I going to make it until bedtime...much less until the day they turn 18?!"

And yes, I was even feeling a little sorry for myself. Which I really hate to admit, but it's true.

But at some point, in the midst of the questions and the noise and the chaos, I looked over at Mekdes and Tigist.

And they were smiling. And happy. And coming alive after a horribly traumatic day.

That's when I realized that all the NOISE was really just LIFE.

That's when I realized that even on hard days when I want to hole up and hide and just take a time-out, life marches on in its imperfect, messy, over-the-top-loud sort of way.

And this was actually healing for my daughters!

And it continues to be healing for my daughters, who had no family, no home, for years on end. Now, they have five extra siblings who adore them and cheer them on and pray for them and hold them during Mass.

Suddenly a day spent in the Cath Lab at Children's Hospital with surgeons and anasthesiologists isn't so scary when it ends the way most days end: big sister practicing the piano, big brothers roughhousing with each other, other big sister making up fun games to include you in, and little sister being her usual feisty self.

Normalcy. Boring everyday stuff, but it's apparently the mundane where healing and love and life and grace happen.

As I look back I find myself GRATEFUL for all the noise, all the people, all the life. It is what my little girls needed, and I have to wonder if it's actually what I needed too.

It's a common belief that kids in big families have to sacrifice way more than kids in small families.

And that may very well be true, but in the long-run? They're getting a whole lot too.

I may have been overstimulated, but an entire fan club showed up to welcome Mekdes and Tigist home like they were total heroes.

I may have wanted to call it a day at 4:45 in the afternoon, but my kids made sure that our family returned to normal first, ate a meal together, and that Mekdes and Tigist were really okay.

So, heck yeah, sometimes seven kids IS too much!

And it's honestly a really, really, really good thing.

But my van made me do it!

2011-12-14T06:56:00.001-07:00

If you're here today for some sort of deep inspiration, or for well-thought-out insights into the joys of motherhood...well...sorry. :)

Not gonna happen, people. Not today.

Because this is one of those keeping-it-real stories that isn't fun while it's happening, but makes for a decent blogpost. (One of the best reasons for having a blog. Redemption of negative life events.)

And, it's about my big van.

My big, 15-passenger-van that isn't so difficult to drive, but is a real pain in the you-know-what to park.

So on with the story.

Sunday mornings, my three oldest kids have Catechism class before Mass. So Kevin takes them at 9:15 (in one of our two normal-sized cars that, you know, normal people drive), and I come at 10:30 with the four younger kids...in the big van that people assume I must need a special license for.

The parking lot at our parish is not as big as the ones at Target or Costco. And it's always super crowded.

And this past Sunday, I could not park my van.

Nope, couldn't do it. I attempted three.different.parking spaces., but had to give up on all of them for lack of proper space (and parking ability).

And all of this while people (yes, multiple people) were honking at me. Yes, honking! Meanwhile I was working up a sweat, becoming more and more anxious, and also becoming more and more convinced that I was just going to have to give up and go home. I was imagining myself going to Confession the following week and saying "Bless me Father for I have sinned", followed by the sad and embarrassing confession that I missed Mass on account of my big, dumb car.

Thankfully though, just as I was about to give up, Kevin (and the kids) came out of the building. And that's when I jumped OUT of my big, dumb car and said "I CAN'T PARK THIS THING! I'M DONE! PEOPLE ARE HONKING AT ME!" So my ever-calm husband took over, drove around back, and did indeed find a space. And we made it into the church right as Mass was beginning, so I suppose it all turned out okay in the end.

Except of course that I was still sweaty, completely distracted, and beyond furious that I couldn't park my car. Not sure who I was furious at (myself? the assorted honkers? the engineer who obviously didn't have a bunch of kids that designed the parking lot? all of the above?) but I was mad just the same. Certainly not the peaceful frame of mind you want when you're going to ~~wrangle two noisy babies~~ worship God and receive Jesus in the Sacrament, but alas, it is what it is.

A really spiritual blogger would now probably write something really lovely about how we can all come-as-we-are to Jesus in our frustrations and in our need (which of course we can), but I'm not going to.

Because this story was really just all about me being annoyed and stressed out.

Which happens sometimes.

And now you have proof that I'm not good at parking my van, my anxiety level could be graphed against how many elderly people are honking at me at any given time, and I almost committed a mortal sin on Sunday.

Maybe it's time the Church appointed someone as the patron saint of parking large vehicles!

One week home

2011-12-13T07:18:00.001-07:00

As of yesterday, Mekdes has been home from the hospital for a week now. Her open heart surgery was a week and a half ago.

And, oh my goodness friends, she is doing amazingly well.

The surgery itself couldn't have gone any better.

And the only sign that Mekdes has even had surgery (aside from her rather large incision wound) was that she was extremely lethargic up until a couple of days ago. But now she's up and about and playing again.

The photo above is from Mass last Wednesday night, when we celebrated the feast of the Immaculate Conception. Our parish had a dinner afterwards and that's Mekdes, at the table. Only two days after we'd come home, less than a week after her surgery, and yet there she was, smiling.

What a special time it was honoring Mary, with Mekdes, so soon after her surgery. Mary the mother of God has actually always held a special place in my heart, even before I was Catholic. I'd always loved the story of the Anunciation, and the Magnificat, and I think the Hail Mary is one of the most beautiful prayers ever. And lately I've been thinking about how even when my daughter had nobody else, when she was an orphan and alone and living with some very serious heart problems...she had Jesus and His mother. We believe, afterall, that Mary prays and intercedes for us. And I bet she has a super special place in her heart for those without mothers.

So, yes, Mekdes is doing quite well. It all feels rather miraculous, really. We are of course a bit, um, tired--what an insane past few months this has been!!!--but oh, we are blessed.

Because the truth is that amidst the surgeries and therapies and endless laundry, God is faithful, my sweet little girl is healing, and during this season of Advent I'm doing my very best to take it all in.

Homeschooling extras

2011-12-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, our family homeschools. (Yes, you can homeschool when you have seven children. I promise!) I currently have one 2nd grader and two 1st graders--this is our third year schooling at home and honestly, I love love love it. (Well, most of the time! Sometimes I want to rip my hair out, but usually it's awesome. :) ) The lifestyle, the way we have time to do things important to our family, the slower and more flexible pace, the convenience of not having all those pick-ups and drop-offs...it's great!

Of course, as every homeschooler knows, the general populace is often a little unsure about the whole thing.

People assume that kids not attending public school are socially awkward, deprived, and lacking in various academic and societal skills.

Lately I've been thinking about how utterly absurd it all is, these silly stereotypes. And I've been thinking that because we've been running to and fro to all manner of activities--the irony of homeschooling but not necessarily being home all that much.

So I thought I'd give you a look at some of the things we homeschoolers do that aren't actually at home. Some proof that a homeschooled child can have a rich, full educational experience.

Two weeks ago, Anna performed in a dance production of "Babes in Toyland."

She played one of Little Bo Peep's sheep, and did AWESOME!

So proud of my girl! We surprised her with (her very first) flowers right after the performance.

A typical week finds us at home (my favorite place to be, because I'm a card-carrying introvert) Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. We spend time learning our faith (reading the Bible, reading Saint stories, praying, Catechism instruction), and studying Math, History, Language Arts, and various other things. Sometimes we get together with friends. We're pretty much always done with school by lunchtime.

Then on Thursdays, my three school-age kids attend an all-day school-for-homeschooled-kids. They take Science, Art, Drama, Dance, Piano, Music...the list goes on. They eat lunch with their buddies and get to wear backpacks and have a blast doing the typical school thing. Anna's dance performance was through this school.

And on Fridays, we attend a homeschool co-op at our parish. My kids LOVE it. So do I. Such wonderful families and my children are building community with other kids who share our faith. We try to make it to 8 am Mass beforehand, too. (That's Yosef painting a sculpture of St. Joseph, done by the teacher, during our ceramics unit.)

Just this past week at our co-op, we celebrated the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe (which is actually today) by making some really sweet crafts and having a little procession where each kiddo got to touch Mary's immaculate heart and give her a flower they made out of tissue paper. It was SO cute! (Even if the picture is blurry.)

And later, Saint Nicholas showed up (his feast day was on December 6th), talked to the kids, and handed out gold coins.

So excited! (I don't know why Kaitlyn always makes that face in photos, but it drives me crazy and cracks me up all at the same time.)

I'm honestly really grateful for the lifestyle we've carved out for ourselves. I used to feel like we'd be missing out on things here and there by homeschooling, but the truth is that it's more or less the opposite. If my children were in public school, we'd have less time for building community with other Catholic families, they wouldn't be involved in as many of the fine arts, and we'd have less time for dear friends in general. I could go on and on about why I love homeschooling, but I'm not going to. (Right now, anyway.) I'll just say that our life is incredibly full and my children are blessed with a lot of pretty cool opportunities.

And it's funny because even though we're homeschoolers, some of my favorite things about homeschooling aren't actually happening at home!

We're home

2011-12-06T08:10:00.001-07:00

Mekdes, with her all-fixed-up heart, leaving the hospital yesterday.

So, we're home. :)

Yes, home!

Open-heart surgery on Friday, and back home on Monday.

Mekdes has been making an amazing recovery.

Kids tend to heal quickly anyhow, but the nurses and doctors have been pretty amazed by just how well she has done.

I have so much I want to share, so much I've been thinking about and so much I'm grateful for.

But that will take awhile--I'm tired and there's just so much I'm still processing through.

For now, I'll simply say that I remain in awe of God's hand on my daughter. She may only be 4 or 5 years old, but she is brave. Strong. Gentle. Kind. Not once did she complain. Not once did she act out in frustration. Even when there were tears, they were short-lived. She cooperated with the nurses and doctors, gave out smiles like it was nobody's business, and said "Thank you Mama" every.single.time. I gave her food or water.

I've honestly been on the brink of the "ugly cry" for days because I've never met anybody quite like Mekdes before. Neither had one of the nurses who'd assisted in the operating room, who came to find us on her lunch break with tears in her eyes to share how sweet Mekdes was as they took her in and put her under.

I also feel like I've witnessed the very heart of God several times this week. In the struggling kids and babies I saw in the Cardiac ICU, and the brave moms and dads sitting by their sides.

No one, myself included, would ever choose for their child to need something like open-heart surgery. Ever. It's terrifying and serious and always, always complicated. And yet I feel like God has given me, and probably those other moms and dads too, a glimpse into life and suffering and hope. For that, I am grateful.

I took this video right as we were about to walk out the hospital doors. Mekdes LOVES saying her siblings' names, and as tired as she was (her red blood cell count is still pretty low because she didn't have any blood transfusions), she repeated every single name. Oh, how she adores her brothers and sisters.

So we rejoice in God's mercy and grace, and are so, so happy to be HOME.

Surgery today

2011-12-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well, she did it.

My girl had open heart surgery today.

She's in the Cardiac ICU now, and doing great. The surgeon was successful in repairing the hole and valve defects in her heart(!), and no blood transfusion has been needed so far (although that may change, because her red blood cell count is low.)

Kevin's home with our other kiddos now (after spending the day with me at the hospital), so it's just me and (sleeping) Mekdes hanging out.

Today has been a complete and utter whirlwind of activity and emotion. Hospital days are exhausting in every possible way, especially when the stakes are high. I'm so, so tired, and trying to process the whole thing, and praying that recovery continues to progress well, and missing my husband and other children, and wanting to see Mekdes' huge smile so very badly.

Yet even through my sleepy haze, I am totally and utterly in awe of God's working in the life of my daughter.

There's something really profound about having a child who was not born to you, who does not in any way exist because of you. Who would have been here even if you never were. So the more I learn about this beautiful little girl, the more amazed I am by her soft, sweet heart and fierce determination. She is calm in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. She smiles even when things are hard or confusing. She knows what she wants...and refuses to give up. She never, ever gives up. She reflects God's beauty in countless new ways.

I talked to Kevin on the phone awhile ago, and he asked me how worried I'd actually been today about something going dreadfully wrong. The truth is that I WAS worried about that...but I also knew that God is writing an incredible story with her life. Every new chapter a testimony to God's grace, mercy and love. That DOESN'T mean things won't go wrong, but it does mean that I can tangibly see God's faithfulness to my daughter, and I trust Him.

Last night, as Mekdes received the Sacrament of the Sick (for the second time in the mere two months she's been with us) and Father Daniel laid his hands on her head, she broke out in a huge smile. God's provision was so evident in that moment. A miracle. And tonight when they took her breathing tube out and she cried, and I cried right along with her because my baby girl was afraid, God's provision was on display yet again. A miracle. Because Mekdes lost her first parents--and had nobody--but still God was there, and God did have a plan, and so in spite of her rocky start in life she now has a goofy mom whose eyes well up with tears when the breathing tube comes out.

Tonight my plan is to get some good sleep (thank you Children's Hospital for your window-less, private sleeping rooms) and hopefully be a comfort to Mekdes tomorrow. Thank you SO MUCH for all of your prayers, and I'll plan to blog a little each day to keep you updated.

But for now, it's time for some much needed sleep.

It's been a big day.

Preparations

2011-11-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is over.

Our month-long steady-stream-of-houseguests is all gone.

My daughter's dance performance was last night.

I've packed my big kids' lunches for their homeschool school tomorrow.

And, now I'm doing laundry.

Cleaning bathrooms.

Organizing.

Making mental lists.

Because my daughter is having open-heart surgery on Friday.

Thursday is pre-op at the hospital--EKG, full physical, tour of the facilities, meetings with the surgeon and anaesthesiologist who will be doing the four-hour-long procedure.

Now that all of our Fall activities and visitors are over and done, I'm thinking a whole lot more about the whole thing. About the fact that my baby, who has only been my baby for the past two months, is having a very serious surgery. That will necessitate 7-10 days in the hospital...if there are no complications.

Kevin will thankfully be able to work from home next week, so he'll be holding down the fort here with our other six kiddos. I'll of course be at the hospital with Mekdes.

Dear friends are watching our kids both Thursday and Friday. Dear friends will be bringing meals to my husband and other children while Mekdes and I are at the hospital.

This has been an incredibly humbling season in my life (to say the least!), which is definitely a good thing...but it has its challenges too. Because I'm horrible at accepting help. I hate feeling like a "taker." I feel like because I have a big family, I really, REALLY have to have it all together. And honestly, many of the very people who have been taking care of us since our girls came home are people we've not known more than a few months. What a blessing they have been.

I'll update you all on how the pre-op goes tomorrow. Please be praying that she's cleared for surgery. And in the meantime I'll be doing laundry and scrubbing toilets and soaking up time with each of my precious little ones.

Of ornaments and redemption

2011-11-29T07:53:00.001-07:00

SO excited to hang a shiny red ornament on the Christmas tree. For the first time ever.

Finding just the right spot.

Concentrating, because this is serious business.

Pure joy. So, so proud. Be still my mama heart.

Just days before her open heart surgery, Mekdes hung her first ornament and took part in the general chaos that is Heldt-family-decorating-for-Christmas.

This is going to be an amazingly incredible, emotional holiday season for us. Heart surgery on December 2nd, at least a week in the hospital, then home to recover and enjoy what is left of December as we anticipate and reflect on the coming of Jesus.

Redemption, come into the world.

Especially real this year because some of that beautiful redemption is actually living at my house.

And I got a glimpse of it when Mekdes hung her first ornament.

I am humbled.

A Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

There's something so beautiful about all of the many firsts for an adopted child who's recently joined your family.

This was of course Mekdes' and Tigist's first Thanksgiving.

Our family (minus me, since I was still getting over a stomach virus) started the day off by going to Mass, then in the afternoon we all headed down to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's home for Thanksgiving dinner. Kevin's parents were there too. So nice to be with family!

On a personal note, there are two things in particular--among my many, many blessings--that I found myself thankful for this year.

One of them is of course the fact that Tigist and Mekdes are HOME. With us. They are a delight in every possible way, and it's as if they've always been here. I continue to be in awe of their transition. Oh the joy they bring to each of our hearts!

The second thing I am grateful for is Christ and His Church. Since being received into the Catholic Church a month ago or so, I have been continually amazed and humbled by the way God has worked in our lives through the Sacrament and through His body here on earth. How sweet it it is to receive the Eucharist each week, and how blessed we are by the many friends God has brought our way. How sweet it is to be home.

I hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving as well!

Journey to Rome: How I fell in love with Mary (part II)

2011-11-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

A portrait of Mary in our hotel room. Rome, 2011.

Well, buckle up folks. Because today I'm sharing how exactly I came to terms with some of the harder Marian dogmas and doctrines of the Catholic faith. If there's anything about Catholicism that makes Protestants want to run far, far away, it's Mary.

And, I kind of get that.

Quite frankly, Mary was one of my "hang-ups" with the Catholic Church for some time--even after educating myself on what the Church actually teaches (and doesn't teach) about Mary the mother of God. It was all very new for me, and I struggled to understand why any of it mattered, and how Mary's place in the Church fit with the worship of Jesus. Was it idolatry? What was the point of praying to Mary when I could just, you know, pray directly to God?

But I'd also come to believe that the Catholic Church is true. And the fact is that the deposit of faith (the Bible + Tradition), handed down by the Apostles, includes ideas like the Immaculate Conception and the Assumption. So I kept reading, and kept praying. I read what the early Church fathers and Christians wrote about Mary. I read the Bible. I read works by various apologists, both Catholic and Protestant. I read statements by the Reformers. I even read a book about the Vatican-approved Marian apparition in Rwanda, Our Lady of Kibeho.

I was not an easy sell. :)

But...I kept coming back to the idea that Jesus has given us the Church, and from very early on, well, the Church venerated Mary. Not to mention, Mary-as-the-new-Eve (Paul of course tells us that Jesus was the new Adam) is incredibly compelling from a theological perspective.

Whatever you believe, God used Mary to play a significant role in salvation history: to carry and birth and raise our Savior--and through giving birth to Jesus, she essentially gave birth to the Church. She said yes to God when Eve said no. She is a shining example of sacrifice. She is the mother of my Lord, and how blessed we are to have her for our mother as well.

So as Catholics, we venerate (or honor) Mary, which is not the same as "worshipping" her the way we would God the Father, or Jesus the Son. (That has never been taught by the Church, ever.) And we honor her because Jesus honored her. Rather than taking honor away from Jesus, Mary points us toward Him.

The Catholic Church teaches that when Jesus placed Mary in John's care, as He was dying on the cross, He was ultimately giving her to the Church, as a mother. (John 19:25-27.) So we believe that she is the loving mother of all Christians. And just like we hang family photos in our homes, we oftentimes also have artwork depicting the Holy Family. We like us some statues for the same reason. And we believe in the Communion of Saints and so believe that Mary prays and intercedes for us. Which is all kinds of awesome, no?

When Catholics pray to Mary, they are asking her to pray to God for them--just like sometimes we ask our friends or religious leaders or coworkers to pray for us. The more prayers on my behalf, the better. The more prayers on my behalf spoken by Jesus' mother, the better.

And yes, all of this is based on the Catholic understanding of scripture (both Old and New Testaments), as well as a historical and traditional understanding of early Church history.

I want you to check out this fascinating and beautiful video. The symbology is pretty astounding--an 11 minutes well spent. :)

I am honestly falling more and more in love with Mary the mother of Jesus. I love knowing that she prays for me, and for the Church, and that she knows what it is to be a mama. When I start to wonder if God is asking too much of me...I think of her and how she said yes to Him. When my children are hurting or suffering...I think of her and how she watched her beloved son die unjustly on a cross. And I love that God uses the stuff of this earth--bread, wine, humanity, water, a virgin from Nazareth--to do His supernatural, Heavenly bidding. What an incredible miracle and mystery.

If you're interested, I highly recommend Scott Hahn's Hail, Holy Queen. He writes in a super engaging way, it's not a long read, and hey, he used to be a Protestant. :)

I'm so very grateful and humbled that God has brought me to accept--and celebrate!--the Catholic Church's position on Mary. I do understand that it's difficult at best (and offensive at worst) for many Protestants. But when I sit at Mass each Sunday, as I pray to Jesus and prepare to receive Him in the Eucharist, I love to look upon the statue of the Blessed Virgin. And when I do, I love to think about the amazing gift she gave the world when she simply said yes to her God.

May I have the grace to do the same.

{Part I of my journey from Protestantism to Catholicism can be found here.}

Update on my daughter's heart

2011-11-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

Mekdes rocking out at a Stephen Curtis Chapman concert.

On December 2nd, my five-year-old daughter Mekdes is having open heart surgery.

It hasn't really sunken in yet. I do know I'm not looking forward to it. But I'll be glad to get it done.

The cardiologist said we could have until summertime, but it's just too hard to wait that long with something so huge hanging over our heads. Plus, we've already hit our max for the year with insurance (funny how two heart surgeries will do that for you) so from a financial perspective, it makes sense to have it done now.

The surgery itself is four hours long, and we're looking at a 7-10 day hospital stay, provided there are no complications. That's going to be a lot of juggling for us, but we'll make it work.

Without this particular surgery, my daughter would have a very short life. She's extremely blessed as it is that she has not incurred any serious heart damage yet, and that would eventually change. Scary stuff. So we're of course really hoping that the surgeon is successful in fixing her defect, since it's a pretty big deal.

I've been thinking a lot about Mekdes' birth mom and how, when we met her, she was adamant about two things:

She wanted to know if we were Christians, and wept with relief when we said yes, and

She wanted her daughter to get the medical help she needed so that she could live a good life.

This woman of course had no clue that her daughter really was looking at a greatly-shortened lifespan due to the heart defect she was living with. Oh how I wish I was able to tell her about Mekdes' surgeries and about how we're taking care of her. I wish I could tell her about how our priest prayed over Mekdes and about how all of our friends have supported us with prayers, meals, and love.

Mekdes' pre-op is on Thursday, December 1st, and then she'll be admitted the next day for surgery. And in the meantime it's homeschooling and Thanksgiving and houseguests and putting up the Christmas tree and Anna's dance performance. Life marching on. Even amidst open heart surgery.

Journey to Rome: an overview (part I)

2011-11-17T10:54:00.001-07:00

Mary and me, and Michelangelo's Pieta, in Rome. April 2011.

As promised, I am (finally) opening up about why my husband and I walked away from a combined 61 years of Protestant Christianity...to join the Catholic Church.

Things like this aren't easy to explain, in part because a faith journey can be an intensely personal experience, and also because in our case (like so many) it is multi-faceted and messy. A lot of you won't be able to relate, and that's okay.

I personally come from a long line of Catholics and former-Catholics.  (My maiden name is Perruzzi. It makes sense.) My formerly-Lutheran husband does not.  (His last name is Heldt. It makes sense.) And I've discovered that no matter what your background, there is a lot of widespread misinformation about Catholicism. While I am happy to share the truth, I'm not an apologist and won't attempt to correct every single misconception or argue with you about the Immaculate Conception. I have friends much better suited for that sort of thing. I on the other hand will humbly attempt to share my story. (But if you have questions and you ask nicely, I'll do my best to answer them! :) )

Roughly four years ago, I read a book by Thomas Howard that would (unbenownst to me) set my conversion in motion. It was called Evangelical is Not Enough: Worship of God Through Liturgy and Sacrament. The title may sound inflammatory and not like anything a lifelong Evangelical Christian would ever read, but the author is Elisabeth Elliott's brother (and who doesn't love Elisabeth Elliott?), and I wanted to learn more about the Sacraments. I'd always belonged to non-denominational churches that taught that baptism and communion were merely symbols, even though most Christians around the world say otherwise. And my husband used to be a Lutheran and we had a lot of theological conversations about those things.

Howard's book (which is EXCELLENT), along with much conversation and prayer and a lot of Bible study, brought me to a point where I did believe in the Sacraments as such.  I felt convicted that we ought to be a part of a liturgical church that observed the Sacraments and was solidly embedded in the historical Christian faith. (My husband felt the same, and always had, really.) We knew though that we'd be moving shortly so we remained at our non-denominational church in the meantime.

Allow me to break here and say that my ten years at Grace Church were blessed and fruitful.  Grace was an anchor in my life when I came to college and was seeking the Lord in great earnest. Many faithful, amazing people crossed my path there--people committed to loving and living like Jesus. I gained a greater understanding of the Bible and of my faith. The Gospel and Word of God were the standard. I met my husband there. Thus, I am ever grateful for how God worked in my life during my time at Grace.

I will also say that my prior eighteen years at Creston Community Church were quite wonderful as well. I never knew a day where I didn't know the love of Jesus. My childhood church involvement set an excellent foundation for the rest of my life, and I learned how to follow God and work out my faith in this little country church. Again, nothing but gratitude.

But when we moved to Denver, we found a Reformed Protestant church to attend downtown (PCA at the time, though it soon switched to the RCA denomination.) Considering my own background, it may as well have been Catholic--I felt clumsy at first because it was all very new to me. But, I loved it. Lots of liturgy. Communion each week. My children were all baptized shortly after Mary was born. Our time there (three years, as it turns out) was wonderful as well.  We made a few good friends and I fell in love with historical Christianity and with communion-as-a-Sacrament. While I don't think we ever quite "fit" in certain ways, we didn't really anticipate leaving, at least not anytime soon.

In fact, we probably would have been content remaining in Protestant Reformed circles, never giving Catholicism a second thought, were it not for the other piece of the story.

You see, shortly after we'd moved to Denver, I became interested in the historic Christian teaching on, well, contraception. Random, I know. We'd been convicted for years about this issue, and I wanted once and for all to understand what Christians have believed about this throughout the ages. And I get that most people don't really care. Most people don't see what birth control has to do with a guy who died on a Roman cross two thousand years ago. It's a non-essential in Protestantism. And I wanted to know why, because it sure seemed to me that something as fundamental as the playing out of our sexuality, something that affects pretty much every single part of our lives, should matter to the God who created us, who "made them man and woman".

The truth is that I was shocked at what I found. Turns out it wasn't always a non-essential. In fact, the Protestant faith was united with Catholics on this matter for centuries, up until the 1930s or so, when the Anglican Church changed its position (allowing for contraception in "some" cases). The vast majority of Protestant groups eventually followed, the pill came along in the 1960s, and the rest is history.

Naturally I now wanted to know why exactly Catholics continue to teach against the use of contraception.

Again, I was shocked. The Roman Catholic Church's teachings on marriage, children, vocation, and personhood were the most profound, simplistic, beautiful, and cohesive things I'd read on the subject. Ever.  And they actually made sense. Both Kevin and I dug in, anxious to learn more. We read things like Covenanted Happiness, books on Theology of the Body, writings from John Paul II, and work by Kimberly Hahn and Christopher West. It seemed one could never fully mine the depths of wisdom pouring from the Church on these issues. It seriously felt as if we'd struck gold. No joke.

If people asked, I found myself telling them we followed the Catholic Church's teachings on marriage and contraception.

Which was weird, because we weren't Catholic. :)

But we wholeheartedly believed that this historic position, formerly held by Protestant Christians as well, was true.

It was around this time that I became intrigued to discover that there were actually lots of people converting from Protestantism to Catholicism. People like Thomas Howard, Francis Beckwith, and Scott Hahn. And did you know that Rich Mullins was about to join the Catholic Church when he died? Or that Elisabeth Elliott is a regular guest and speaker at various Catholic universities, and has taken some flack from the Protestant community on account of this?

We started to wonder what else the Catholic Church said and stood for, if they were the only group standing firm on the issue of contraception and if so many well-respected Christians were compelled enough to convert.

The theology was fascinating. We quickly gained an IMMENSE respect and appreciation for the Roman Catholic faith, even though we thought we'd NEVER be able to become card-carrying members...thanks to those few pesky issues like Mary and the infallibility of the Pope.

Still we kept reading.  And, guess what, there are reasons (both rooted in the Bible and in Tradition) for those more controversial doctrines. They were actually not as scary as Jack Chick and Loraine Boettner would have wanted us to believe.

And we began to see that so very much of the divide between Catholics and Protestants comes down to one word: authority.

How does the Holy Spirit work? Why are so many earnest, prayerful and solid believers divided over such significant issues? Why does the Bible refer to the Church as "the pillar and foundation of the truth"? What are we supposed to make of Peter receiving the keys to the kingdom of Heaven? Why can no one agree on what the Church is supposed to look like today?

What on EARTH do we do with passages like John 6?

Basically we started wondering, does authority ultimately rest with each individual person and their private interpretation of the Bible, or is there more to it?

And as the misconceptions about Catholicism were replaced with knowledge about what they actually believe (and why), and as we pondered all of the above questions, we eventually arrived at the surprising and humbling conclusion that authority ought to rest with Christ's Church. The one established by Jesus, founded upon Peter, and carried forward by the faithful down through the ages. Just like Jesus promised.

Initially, we were, um, somewhat terrified by this conclusion. What would people say? How would we leave our church? So we told ourselves that we'd just be secret Catholics-at-heart for awhile, that there was no need to do anything rash. But God wasn't content with that and brought us to the place where we had to acknowledge that if we truly believed this was Christ's Church, why would we deliberately spend another moment outside of it and the graces therein?

So in August, we began attending a local parish.

In September, we formally announced that we were leaving our Protestant faith community of the past three-plus years.

And in October, we came into full communion with the Catholic Church.

We received the Eucharist for the first time.

We have been blessed beyond anything we could have imagined.

Now before someone has a bunch of Chick Tracts anonymously delivered to my house, allow me to say that we've explored all of these issues from both sides--devil's advocate and all that. This was not an immediate or purely emotion-based conversion. It took four years and was pretty difficult in many ways. My husband worked in a Christian bookstore in college where the only books touching on Catholicism were written by Protestants--and shelved in the "Cults" section. (He didn't put them there though, just so we're clear. :) ) I own a John MacArthur study Bible that has its own interpretation of John 6. People can go back and forth all day arguing the meaning of scripture, and that's why it eventually always comes down to authority: who do you believe? So we are well aware of the counter-points, and of the theology reflected in Protestantism. Still, we chose the Catholic Church--or rather, She chose us.

There is really so much more that I want to share. The dear people we've met on the journey, the books and blogs we've poured over, how Kevin and I have wrestled with these things together and yet sometimes reached different conclusions at different times, the many blessings and also the challenges. I'll do that soon.

But in the meantime, here is my feeble introductory explanation of how--and why--we've "gone all in" with Rome.

Surgeries and blessings

2011-11-13T07:40:00.001-07:00

Well, we made it. :)

Surgery day started early...I got up at 4:30 am, got ready, and packed up our overnight bag, my laptop, a bunch of books, and of course my girlies.

Kevin stayed home with our other kids until lunchtime, when he took them to a dear friend's house so he could meet me at the hospital.

We got to Denver Children's Hospital at 6 am, checked in, and headed up to cardiac pre-op. Here are Mekdes and Tigist in the wagon during check-in. Happy as clams. Just like always.

Tigist's procedure was first. Could she be any cuter in her hospital gown?!

I met the anaesthesiologist who, it turns out, lived in Ethiopia and worked at the Black Lion Hospital for some number of years. Crazy. And Tigist's nurse's in-laws were missionaries in Ethiopia.

When it was time for surgery, they had me suit up in all the gear, and carry my dear baby into the room. I laid her down on the operating table, stood with her while they put her under, and then they had me give her a final kiss and leave the room.

I nearly bawled. It was awful. Flooded with emotion and "what if"'s and love for my dear, beautiful Tigist. But I kept it together. (Because when I cry, it's always the ugly cry. Always. And I knew I'd never be able to stop.)

I came back to find Mekdes napping. In a chair. Sister having heart surgery? Right before you go in for heart surgery? No big deal. May as well take a snooze.

Eventually it was time to start her pre-op. She made the gown look good too. :)

And before I knew it, someone came and told me that Tigist was all done.

That things had gone well.

That her heart was fixed.

Again, me on the brink of bursting into tears.

Something so impossible in Ethiopia, but so very important for my daughter, healed in the span of an hour and a half or so.

Of course then it was time to take Mekdes in for her procedure. Another heart-wrenching kiss goodbye.

I spent the duration of Mekdes' surgery with Tigist in recovery. (This is what you do when you have two kids having heart procedures on the same day, back-to-back.) Who was cute as could be and wanted NOTHING to do with having to lay flat on her back for four hours. The girl wanted to play. I did my best to keep her distracted with Baby Einstein and multiple slushies and some pudding.

I also did a lot of praying for and thinking about Mekdes. Unlike Tigist's, her procedure was just diagnostic. Because she needs open heart surgery to fix her defect. And she's lived way too long with it, and it's not uncommon to develop lasting, serious heart damage when that happens. The surgeon needed to see if her body can even withstand open heart surgery, if her heart is even operable.

Those are pretty high stakes. Because we'd been told that without open heart surgery, her lifespan will be cut drastically short by eventual heart failure. NOT something a parent wants to hear. Ever.

So, yeah, I was pretty anxious the entire time she was in there. What would they find?

But then the surgeon came out.

Told me she did great.

She has literally NO HEART DAMAGE.

She is an EXCELLENT CANDIDATE for open heart surgery.

And she apparently USED to have a hole in another part of her heart. But at some point it closed on its own.

Had it not, her heart would have been inoperable.

Meaning a much shortened lifespan. But that hole healed, so now she can have the surgery she so desperately needs.

Just like her first mama would have wanted her to have.

Here she is sleeping in recovery. When she woke up, she was crying inconsolably from the drugs. So, so sad.

I'm sure any parent whose child has ever had serious surgery knows what I mean when I say I wanted to grab the surgeon and give him a huge hug while jumping up and down and cheering and crying, all at once. I didn't, but I wanted to. God used him to give my babies another shot at life. I'll always be grateful for Dr. Darst and his care and concern for my daughters.

Because things could not have gone better than they did. They went so well, in fact, that we were discharged that afternoon and didn't even have to spend the night! (Guess I didn't need all my books afterall. :) )

And I am convinced, beyond any doubt, that God worked miracles through the Sacrament they received Thursday night, and through all the prayers of friends and family. My parish homeschool group prayed a novena for my daughters in the days leading up to the surgeries, and that morning they all prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet together, for my girls. Friends dedicated their Mass intentions to us. I am beyond grateful, and beyond touched. More than you can imagine.

God has been so extremely faithful to our family throughout all of this. And NOT simply because we had a good outcome. He has lovingly cared for us through His Church and through our many wonderful friends. In a more general sense, I feel as if God has been working overtime in my life this past month and a half or so, breaking me down and building me up. That is, ultimately, a good thing, even if the circumstances are hard. Maybe especially because the circumstances are hard.

So thank you, thank you, thank you for everything!!! Mekdes and Tigist are doing great, and I'll be sure to let you know when we get the (deep breath) open heart surgery scheduled.

Here they are on Friday night, home after their procedures, smiling and playing before bedtime. Tigist with her healed heart, and Mekdes with the potential for a long life up ahead. Oh how blessed we are!

Surgery day!

2011-11-11T07:04:00.001-07:00

Today is the day.

My daughters Mekdes and Tigist are having heart surgery.

In fact, as you read this, at least one of the procedures has already begun.

I'm writing this the night before, though. (Isn't Blogger and its ability to schedule posts so fancy? It's like time-travel. Sort of. :) )

Right now my mind is swirling and my emotions are all over the place and I just feel so very vulnerable and small.

I'm thinking about how life is fragile and ever so precious.

I'm thinking about how there is so much more to life than meets the eye, than what we see here on earth. So.much.more.

I'm thinking about redemption and suffering and the big-ness of my daughters' stories. And about how their stories have collided with mine, and have become mine. It's kind of funny how God works. He joins hearts and brings beauty from ashes and shows up in the most unexpected of places and circumstances.

As a child or young adult I never dreamed that TWO of my children would one day be undergoing heart surgery. Nope, never crossed my mind. I never imagined I'd be spending a lot of my time at a children's hospital while a surgeon attempted to repair my daughters' congenital heart defects. Of course, most people probably don't anticipate facing those sorts of decisions and trials. If it's not part of your life experience, you just don't think about it. You think life will go as planned.

But then you grow up and you discover that things don't go the way you thought. Pretty much ever.

And I have to be honest and say that my life has actually far surpassed any of my expectations. God has done wonderful, beautiful things and no day has been wasted, not one. And today is the same. I don't know how things will go, how my daughters will do, if Tigist's defects will be fixed or if Mekdes will be a good candidate for open heart surgery. But God is in today, just like He was in yesterday. That I know. I also know that it is the unseen that matters most of all, and that God is working in ways I don't even understand yet.

Still I'm afraid, and I think that is normal.

I feel the weight of responsibility, and it's heavy.

I feel the weight of the procedures, and the risks involved.

I feel the weight of open heart surgery looming in the distance.

I feel the weight of meeting my daughters' respective birth mothers, and of my promises to them that I would love their girls and make sure they got the medical assistance that they needed. I can see their eyes and tears as if it was yesterday. I want to do right by my daughters, and by the women who gave them life. It's big stuff.

However things go tomorrow, I have faith in God's provision for my little girls. Their very lives are a testament to that. Two children with multiple heart defects (related to the fact that they were born with Down syndrome), born into poverty in a developing country, eventually relinquished by their mothers, spending roughly two years in an orphanage waiting and waiting for a family to come and get them.

They are survivors.

And God is faithful.

So we begin to write the next chapter of their story today--them and the surgeon in the Cath Lab and me in the waiting room. I don't know the future or the plans God ultimately has for our family, but He is strong and perfect in our weakness.

Last night, our daughters received the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick in preparation for today. It was just our family (all nine of us), our friend Troy (the girls' godfather), and Father Daniel (our priest). What a precious time. My heart felt so encouraged and I was incredibly blessed by the Sacrament itself and by the prayers and the support shown to our family. I felt truly strengthened.

And the crazy thing was, as soon as we finished, Tigist got into the crawling position...for the first time ever. No joke. She has never been able to do this, and her therapists were really hoping that eventually she could. I honestly think God has a pretty great sense of humor...apparently, who needs a physical therapist when you have the Sacraments? :)

I will do my best to update on Facebook and Twitter throughout the day. Barring any complications, each procedure should only be 2-3 hours or so. The same surgeon is performing both. (And of course it's always possible that the surgeries may need to be rescheduled due to random health issues, but I'm praying that's not the case.) I'll arrive at the hospital with the girls at 6 am and Kevin will be home with our other kids until lunchtime or so, when he'll probably drop them off with a dear friend and meet me at the hospital.

Today's a big day for Tigist and Mekdes.

And so I'll close by saying I'm so very grateful for my dear, sweet, brave little girls, for those near and far who are journeying with us, and for the hope we have in Jesus.

In which we cross the Tiber

2011-11-10T07:54:00.008-07:00

I've thought long and hard about how to share this.

Because like most things in my life, it's something most people won't understand.

And, that's hard for me. I'm generally a people-pleaser and I have a history of caring way too much about what others think of me. I avoid conflict and confrontation and any sort of direct involvement in controversy.

But.

I'm committed to being honest, and to this blog being a window into my life. My actual life. Not a glossy, mostly-fictional account of all of the fabulous things I do or the ways in which I'm an amazingly-awesome-mother-and-wife who reads Beth Moore while knitting Kevin a Snuggie. So I'm not about to start keeping significant parts of my story hidden from view in order to make it more palatable to the masses.

And I actually have something really exciting to share! I want to tell you about it! It has been years in the making. It is about our faith and it is beautiful and sacred and deeply meaningful to me and my husband and to our children.

So the Big Announcement is that:

Two weeks ago, we were received into the Roman Catholic Church.

Yes, the former-Lutheran and the lifetime-Evangelical "swam the Tiber".

On Reformation Sunday, no less. :)

I'm so anxious to share our journey and hearts with you, and will be doing so in the coming days. So be sure to come back!

And please believe me when I say that I know it doesn't make sense to most people, and there are those who genuinely fear for our souls and who think we've lost our minds.

That is humbling.

And hard.

But where God leads, we must follow.

And so we're Catholic now.

It's good to be home.

Empty house and random updates

2011-11-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Matching Dorothy's on Halloween. Love these two together!

I know, it hardly seems possible with nine people in our family! But as of today, our houseguests are all gone and it feels a bit empty around here...even with seven kids racing around. :) My dad was visiting for a couple of weeks, and my dear friend and her three kids were here for a few days. I already miss every single one of them!

Things at the House of Heldt are going well for the most part. Assorted kids are recovering from assorted colds. I'm still on antibiotics for my second round of strep throat and am feeling pretty well, though am a bit paranoid about whether or not I've actually kicked this thing or not.

Tigist just finished up her first week of therapy--physical therapy on Tuesday, and occupational therapy today. I have been so impressed with the therapists and their enthusiasm and gentle way with my daughter. Who of course is a huge hit with her smiling and clapping and positive attitude. So proud of that girl!

Friday of course is surgery day for both Tigist and Mekdes. Gearing up for that and desperately hoping they will be healthy enough to have the procedures.

There is really just so much to catch up on, between housework and laundry and email and general life stuff. Oh, and blogging. I'm looking forward to digging in over the next several days and reconnecting with all of you!

So in the meantime, I hope you're having a fabulous week and enjoying this beautiful Fall season.

Upcoming surgeries (life all mixed up)

2011-11-03T16:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we received letters from the hospital detailing my daughters' upcoming heart surgeries.

{My husband and I recently brought our girls home from Ethiopia, and they were both born with Down syndrome. You can read more about their heart conditions here.}

The surgeries are scheduled for November 11. A week from tomorrow.

So far the whole thing has been super surreal. Consulting with surgeons and cardiologists and all of that, while my sweet little ones chatter and play, and then we all go home as if nothing happened. No big deal.

But seeing those letters, with instructions for fasting and times to arrive at the hospital and details about staying overnight, made everything a whole lot more real. And scary.

I've decided that there's just something about heart surgery. Not that I would want my child needing ANY sort of surgical procedure, but when it comes to the heart, well, it's extra frightening.  Has it been too long? Will the surgeries be successful? Will Mekdes even be a candidate for the open heart surgery she so desperately needs?

So many unknowns.  Not to mention I have no idea how I'm going to survive the hours that they're actually in surgery. No clue. Those two blocks of 180 minutes or so are going to seem like a torturous eternity, I am sure.

I'm suddenly just really aware that there are so.many.things. that are completely out of my control. I feel vulnerable. I'm handing my beloved daughters over to someone to {hopefully} fix a problem, and I really don't have a choice in the matter. Because of course they need the procedure. But it's risky. And there's no guarantee that it will be successful, especially since this is something that should have happened long ago.

But the thing is, God is in control. And while it hardly seems fair that two children with such an incredibly difficult start in life now need major heart surgery, I know that Jesus is no stranger to suffering. I also know that Mary, Jesus' mother, watched her son suffer, and she must have felt so helpless too. All of that to say that I'm in good company. And I hope to really think on those things as I'm pacing around the waiting room and praying my heart out for my babies.

People naturally continue to ask if we "knew" about the heart defects when we pursued these adoptions. I always tell them yes, we knew it was highly likely.

But I don't look at it as "choosing to adopt a child who has a heart defect"--as opposed to choosing a "healthy" child or a child with a different medical need. Plain and simple, it's really just choosing life. Life for my daughters, and life for myself, and life for our family. It's simply following after Jesus and finding His face in my children.

And it honestly wasn't too hard making the decision to adopt Tigist and Mekdes. I don't know that there are two sweeter souls on this planet! (Though I do confess that during the process there were many times when I nearly hit the panic button. I'll share more about that later.)

But heart surgery is hard. Letting go is hard. Trusting God with (two of!) my most precious of gifts is hard.

Still I recognize that this is grace and redemption and faith and love and beauty and pain all at once. Like so very much of life. Good and bad, all mixed up. My daughters have to have major surgery...yet it's something they need, that they can finally receive, and so in that sense it's a gift. And of course our family will surely endure this trial and God is working something through this, He truly is.

I gotta say that life in our family these past few weeks has been incredibly difficult from a health-perspective--to the point where I've begun to ask, what else will go wrong? And yet there have also been some incredibly beautiful things happening too (that I can't wait to share with you). All at once. All mixed up. Life.

A week out from surgery, and it's finally starting to set in. I feel woefully inadequate for the tasks set before me, but am ever aware that God is more faithful than I can imagine. And really? He's been looking out for my daughters a lot longer than I have. Through both the good and the bad and the all-mixed-up stuff too.

Still alive (but barely :) )

2011-11-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry for the lack of bloggage this past week! SO much going on, and our laptop-that-works-well still doesn't have a functional power cord, and I have strep throat again (I don't think it ever fully went away and I also think one of my kids is some sort of secret carrier), and my dad's visiting (and HE'S sick), and pretty much everyone in this house is on some type of medication.

And as a result, I really haven't blogged. Even though there is quite a bit I want to share with you.

Anyway, just checking in and telling you I'm still here, and I miss you all, and I hope you had a blessed All Saints Day today.

Hoping to be back in the groove soon!

Post-placement pride

2011-10-24T15:42:00.000-06:00

We recently had our very first post-placement visit with the local social worker who originally approved us to adopt our girls.

I always, always get nervous about these visits. Someone wielding a whole lot of power, who really doesn't even know you very well, coming into your home and asking questions and making observations. Yuck!

But this time, in the hours leading up to the visit, I also found myself a little bit excited.

See we kind of had to fight to pursue the adoption of Tigist and Mekdes, because our homestudy agency had some random biases. In the end we won them over, and I think we also scored a few points for team "Not-Every-Large-Family-is-Always-Chaotic-and-Messy." If you have a big family, you can thank me in the form of Starbucks and IKEA gift cards. :)

Now fast-forward a year. Our daughters are home. We are a family of nine now. And even though Mekdes and Tigist have only been home four weeks, oh my goodness, they are doing amazingly well. Kevin and I are doing amazingly well. My other children are doing amazingly well. Our family has worked through the initial adjusting and fine-tuning and are sloowwwly inching our way towards being settled again.

I suppose my excitement stemmed from the fact that I wanted our social worker to see how positively precious my daughters are, and that "special needs adoptions" (whatever that even means--because believe me, every adoption includes a traumatized child with unique and special needs!) are something to rejoice in and pursue, not run away from. I'm also pretty darn proud of my other five children, and how they've weathered the storm of upheaval. And of course my husband continues to be such a steady rock and support in our home.

The thing is, you really never know how a placement is going to work. You can think you know, but you don't. Not really. Not until the child is home, and the dust settles as the honeymoon ends.

And yes, we're surely still in the honeymoon phase, but I do believe we are the right family for these girls. They fit right in. My other children adore them, Down syndrome is so not an issue, and our days spent at related medical appointments are, for some reason, fun for them. (It's not solely because they get McDonald's for lunch or because they get to ride in a Very Big Van that they think is the coolest thing ever, but it helps! :) ) Basically, so far, I think our home is a pretty safe place for Mekdes and Tigist to be. Their siblings (and bursting-with-pride parents) love and appreciate them for who they are, and precisely because of who they are. We have plenty of wiggle room in our lives and schedule for doctor's visits and, yep, even multiple heart surgeries.

And here's the thing, friends: it's not because we're doing anything special. At all. Because we're not. I do occasionally yell at my kids and there are crumbs on my floor and I'm doing my best to get everyone to soccer and catechism class (on time!), just like the rest of ya'll. But I am finding crazy, relentless, remarkable-every-day-graces in the errands we run and chores we do. God is showing up like you wouldn't believe, and I honestly cannot fathom how we ever wound up so blessed as to have Tigist and Mekdes grace our lives.

We don't deserve it. We've done nothing to earn it.

And so the social worker came. We were all smiles and really had nothing negative to report...just the usual challenges you'd expect with an adoption. The girls were their usual charming selves. But, I felt as if my daughters are still seen as nothing more than "special needs kids" or "Down syndrome kids" by this agency. And we're that "big weird homeschooling family." Any excitement and pride I'd felt ahead of time was quickly replaced by defensiveness and frustration.

The thing is, some people will just never "get it." My daughters will be fighting stereotypes and other peoples' ignorance their entire lives, and this is only the beginning. So I just put on a smile and gave the social worker an earful about how dang awesome my little girls are, how they are sweet and social and attaching to our family. I talked about how much we love them, and the amazing progress they're making.

That's what I'd been looking forward to, anyway. To being able to look this person in the eye and say, our daughters are amazing. Our family is doing well. Life is so beautiful. God is taking care of us.

And of course eventually she left, and it was just our happy not-so-little-family again...and really, at the end of the day, that's who matters. The people in my house. Oh how I love them so!

7 Quick Takes Friday {#29}

2011-10-21T14:53:00.000-06:00

1.) The latest news around here is that I have strep throat, of all things. Ugh! I got right to the doctor though (thank goodness for antibiotics!) and I am already doing better than I was. (Apparently when you spend a week at doctor's visits and hospitals, you pick up things like strep.)

2.) I read this news story today. Pretty amazing. This woman is a hero. Her daughter is precious. What a legacy this mother has left behind!

3.) Being sick on the couch = watching mindless TV that I never, ever watch. We don't have cable or satellite, so we only pull in a few channels. ANYway, I turned on an old favorite today, Days of Our Lives, and they had all the old people on it!!! Carrie, Jon, Marlena, Jennifer, Jack...this is just too fun.

4.) I recently won Father Barron's book Catholicism in a giveaway and am nearly finished. He is an excellent communicator and I'm really enjoying it. And, how fun is it to win something?!

5.) Today a bunch of random rappers started following me on Twitter. I find this incredibly funny. Hope they like my sporadic tweets about my kids.

6.) Literally every time I'm waiting for a prescription at our neighborhood pharmacy (which is near a private university), there is at least one young girl picking up birth control. One time she was talking to her friend in line about how she pays for it seperately so her dad won't find out. So, so sad.

7.) Yesterday in the aforementioned pharmacy, I noticed both at-home cocaine tests AND at-home paternity tests on the shelf. And some strange part of me really, really wanted to buy them. I don't know why. It just seemed kind of exciting.

*******

Thanks Jen for hosting!

What I Wore Wednesday and aprons

2011-10-19T09:32:00.000-06:00

Linking up with Lindsey again for What I Wore Wednesday. Today a college friend of mine, Beth from Salvage Life, is guest posting on her blog. So fun!

Okay, so this past week has been cuh-razy!!! And, I need to do laundry. But I did take photos every day but Friday. (Friday was homeschool club in the morning, and visiting with a friend in the evening. Somehow the picture just didn't happen.)

Nothing too exciting to share, but I did wear an apron this week--the first time I've worn one. Do you wear them? I seriously think they are super cute and they make me actually kind of like working in the kitchen. Saturday was Mary's birthday, so I baked a cake that afternoon with Anna and Kaitlyn. Seemed like the perfect occasion to bust out the apron!

Wednesday. Visit with friend and kids' soccer game.

shirt--thrifted

sweater--Target clearance

skirt--thrifted

flats--thrifted

Thursday. Big kids at school and RCIA.

tank top--thrifted

sweater--thrifted

jeans--Forever 21

flats--thrifted

Saturday. Mary's birthday (immediate family party) and just stayed home.

shirt--thrifted

jeans--thrifted

apron--Flirty Aprons

Sunday. Mass and thrifting.

shirt--thrifted

sweater--Target clearance

skirt--thrifted

boots--thrifted

Monday. Doctor appointments for Mekdes and Tigist and hospital visit for Tigist's blood draw.

sweater--thrifted

jeans--Forever 21

boots--thrifted

Tuesday. Hospital and kids' soccer practice and coffee with friends in the evening. (Please forgive the horrible lighting!)

long sweater--gift from mom

jeans--Target clearance

flats--thrifted

The Heldts go to the ER

2011-10-18T15:19:00.000-06:00

Today I--and my seven children--spent the morning (and part of the afternoon) at the Children's Hospital emergency room.

Because, you know, instead of homeschooling my kids at home, we take field trips to medical establishments.

The impetus for the trip?

I got Mary Lu up this morning, just like always, only to discover that she couldn't move her right arm.

As in, it was just hanging there.

I honestly couldn't believe it. She'd seemed fine at bedtime! What on earth could have happened?!

I called our doctor's office, and they told me to take her to Children's. So after breakfast, we set off. Sweet siblings helped Mary eat her cheerios and drink from her sippy cup, since she was only using one hand. I love how my kiddos love each other!

Anyway, turns out it was just something called Nursemaid's Elbow, and they were able to successfully reduce it. No big deal. Well, except for the fact that poor Mary screamed and cried during the reduction procedure. So hard for a mama's heart! We also had some x-rays taken, which showed a little swelling but no fracture or break. Whew!

This was the scene in our room. For reals. Because when you're two-years-old and you have six siblings, they all go with you to the hospital. To watch movies with you and make sure you're okay. That's just the way it is.

Oh my goodness. These two crack.me.up. No further words necessary.

My pediatrician actually called me as we were on our way home (while I was attempting to navigate my way through a highly disorganized McDonald's drive-thru--more on that another time, but suffice it to say my doctor probably thinks I'm a lunatic now) and told me to just call him directly on his cell if it happens again--he can fix it and save us the hospital trip. Perfect! So, so thankful for a wonderful doctor who cares about my kids! (Even if he does think I'm crazy and a horrible mother for ordering my kids food at McDonald's. :) )

And I still don't know how it happened exactly--it's highly possible she was playing with the other kids last night and something happened then, although I think it's actually more likely that she rolled on it the wrong way in her sleep since it seemed fine as of bedtime.

Either way, I'm so glad my sweet Mary Lu Lu is okay!!!!! Oh how I love my little Lu-bug!!!

Gifts + Hello Love Photography

2011-10-17T07:59:00.001-06:00

We have some incredibly amazing friends.

Since bringing our daughters home four weeks ago, we have witnessed time and time again the profound mercies of God. And not in the esoteric, intangible sort of way that people so often speak about God, mind you.

But in warm, nourishing meals being delivered to our home, in the smiles and hugs and "We're so glad they're finally here and we're here if you need anything"s, and in the emails and blog comments embracing our daughters and family as close friends.

We are touched.

Today I am wanting to tell you about one gift in particular. Some amazingly sweet and good friends of ours in Denver recently brought us a yummy meal--we met Mike and Amy a couple of years ago at church, and they are positively wonderful. And as it turned out, Amy's sister Casey was visiting from Boston at the time.

And Casey happens to be an amazing photographer.

And I guess when she heard about us and our family, she wanted to come take family photos. Just because.

We were so, so touched. Honestly, we've never had nice family photos taken, ever. And what a joy to be able to capture this moment in our lives.

Anyhow, she recently featured our family on her beautiful photography blog. Needless to say I love, love, love how they all turned out. Go check them out!

Thank you, Casey, for such an incredible gift! Words cannot express how grateful we are.

And if you live in the Boston area, oh my goodness, tell your friends about Hello Love Photography!!!!!

7 Quick Takes Friday {#28}

2011-10-14T08:00:00.001-06:00

1.) I am not a morning person. If you have ever lived with me, then you know this. Don't get me wrong, I like when my day starts early, but it is so.hard. to get out of bed, even if I've gotten a good night's sleep. I've always wished I could change this little fact, but alas, it is what it is! Our current schedule only requires early wakeups (6 am) two days per week. Thank you homeschooling!

2.) Last night we made a late-night trip to the pharmacy to pick up our girls' giardia meds. We were out already,on the other side of town. Still there was no doubt in our minds that we were going to go get those prescriptions once they confirmed that the compounding was done. They've had two doses so far, and I get positively giddy each time I administer them. It's the little things.

3.) Anna, my 7-year-old, is seeming so grown-up lately. There have been multiple conversations with her recently that have left me thinking, wow, she is getting older. I love to see how she processes the world and her faith and just the small things in life. Raising children is so bittersweet in the sense that I'd give nearly anything to go back to when my bigger kids were babies, just for a day, but how stinking awesome is it as they grow and your relationship with them continues developing deeper and deeper? Love.it. And hate it, all at the same time. :)

4.) It was recently the feast day of the Archangels. My kids have really been interested in angels recently as a result of discussing it, and it's kind of funny. Anna is even writing a story about a "crime" that occurred in Heaven, where the angels are sent to spy on the lady who stole Jesus' cross(?) Now last time I checked, there was no crime in Heaven, nor a cross, but apparently my daughter (who also knows this) has taken some literary license. It is all kinds of awesome, for sure.

5.) I love Fall. My favorite season by far. And Fall in Denver is so, so pretty--our street has so many huge trees and when the leaves turn, oh my goodness, it is gorgeous.

6.) Yesterday an ambulance almost ran me, and my big van, off the road. Whilst honking at me. Sorry emergency medical response, I was doing my best to get into the other lane...but, um, I have a big van, and there was a lot of traffic.

7.) My son broke his oatmeal bowl this morning. While I really like this set of bowls (kind of a harvest-y yellowish mustard color), I am glad that I buy inexpensive, second-hand stuff. Because when it breaks? No big loss. (But did I mention I really liked the bowl? Apparently, cheap or not, I am still sad. Boo.)

Thank you to Jen at Conversion Diary for hosting!!!!

(Have you ever read her blog? It's a good one.)

The consult

2011-10-13T07:52:00.013-06:00

Okay first of all, how cute are they?! I can't think of two kids I'd rather spend my morning with. Even if it has to be on the third floor of Children's Hospital.

On Tuesday we met with the heart surgeon who will be performing their initial heart surgeries, via catheter.

Provided it goes well, he will fix Tigist's defect once and for all during this procedure.

For Mekdes, it will be purely diagnostic--seeing how much pressure has built up in her lungs, and to see if she is even a candidate for open heart surgery, which she so desperately needs.

Provided there are no complications, this should be an overnight stay for both girls, at most. No biggie. The surgeon seemed all confident-ish and he has a niece from Ethiopia, so he was excited to meet my daughters.

I also completed the consent portion of the proceedings--where I sat and listened to a nurse explain the risks of the procedures.

Sigh.

Not fun having to hear a long list of scary things, ending with "possible fatal outcomes". I go back and forth between hopeful optimism, and thoughts like I'm so glad we had family pictures done..., between knowing that the surgeon does this particular surgery all the time, and how can I subject my sweet daughters and their most vital of organs to these awful risks? Ack.

As for my other kids, they are rockstars. Got up extra early, on purpose, to help out and see their sisters off. Anna had wanted to come along again, but she's getting over a cold. So that morning when she asked to get Mekdes dressed and I said "no, go back to sleep and get some rest!", she said very seriously "Mom, I want to do SOMEthing to help." I'm just so proud of my oldest daughter. No words to describe her heart. None.

And so at 8 am that morning, the five kids gathered around their sisters as Kevin and I looked on. So they could cheer for and hug and kiss them--sending them off with much fanfare. For a consult.

Be still my ever-breaking, perpetually-melting heart. Oh, how they have fallen head-over-heels-in-love with their dear sisters. The support and grace and love they have shown is incredible. And I would not even have believed it possible were I not witnessing it with my very own (teary!) eyes.

New miracles, in my house.

Every.single.day.

And Mekdes? Still the bravest girl in the whole-wide-world. A consult with a heart surgeon at the hospital? No big deal. I'm just gonna hang out with my mom and sister and smile really big.

And sing my ABCs. (I like to cheer for myself when I'm done, because I'm awesome.)

As for Tigist? Well, do you see that face? Um, yeah. So happy. So sweet. (And so cute that I'll forgive her for pooping while I was talking to the Very Important Heart Surgeon. Come to think of it, I've never had a heart surgeon watch me change a poopy diaper before Tuesday. Kind of exciting.)

She also spent time cleaning the wall. Because she's kind of a big deal like that.

And looking at books with her sister. About a creepy version of Santa Claus.

A scheduler will call in a few days to set up the surgeries, which cannot be done until the girls have successfully conquered giardia. (At which time there will be much rejoicing, and I may even throw a party to celebrate. So.not.joking.) Which means we're probably three to four weeks out or so.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading along and for your prayers and encouragement! I'll let you know once the surgeries are scheduled. And in the meantime, let me just say that life is sweet, each and every moment is so precious, and my daughters are doing really, really well.

Miracles, I tell you.

What I Wore Wednesday (and the pressure to look good)

2011-10-12T07:45:00.000-06:00

Well, another week has come and gone, and I'm linking up with Lindsey again for What I Wore Wednesday!

I have to say that, um, knowing I was going to do this post resulted in me getting dressed more than I would have otherwise. (But not to worry, I still spent two days in comfy clothes!) AND, I find I am much more motivated to do the things I need to do (like homeschooling and housework and errands) when I've gotten out of my pjs. Go figure! :)

WIWW aside, I feel pressure as a mom-to-many to look somewhat decent when I leave the house with my kids. I'm not sure if that's an inherently bad (or good?) thing. But I find that people expect me to look tired...frazzled...and miserable. Because surely someone in my position must really, really hate their life. (No, I'm not being neurotic--I've had all sorts of people tell me I'm brave, "better you than me!", "your house must be a zoo", "you don't LOOK like you have seven kids" etc.)

So I feel like I have to show people that even though I do have multitudes o' children, I wear makeup and don't live in stained pajamas (most of the time.) Do other moms feel this way? Do moms who have one or two children feel the pressure too, or is it only moms to many? Granted, I wore makeup and liked to shop pre-kids so it's not as if I've changed per se.

But I'm much more likely to throw my hair back in a ponytail and go out in my comfies if I'm going without my children. If a kid's involved, you can be sure I get ready for the day and put effort into my appearance. Weird!

Anyhow, here is my photo-documentation of the past week, along with what we did each day. And I'll let you know about our consult with the heart surgeon tomorrow. (My two daughters just home from Ethiopia, who were born with Down syndrome, are both having heart surgery soon. You can read a little bit about that here.)

Wendesday. Homeschooling and kids' soccer games.

camisole: Target

sweater: thrifted

jeans: Forever 21

shoes: Target

Thursday. Big kids at school and a playdate and RCIA.

camisole: Target

sweater: thrifted

jeans: thrifted

flats: thrifted

Friday. Parish homeschool group and Costco and dinner with friends.

camisole: Gap

dress: thrifted

sweater: thrifted

leggings: Target

boots: thrifted

Saturday. Home with sick kids.

tshirt: thrifted

sweatshirt: thrifted

yoga pants: thrifted

Sunday. Home with sick kids and thrifting.

shirt: thrifted

jeans: thrifted

Monday. Homeschooling and housework and an evening meeting.

pink sweater: thrifted

stripy cardigan sweater: thrifted

skirt: thrifted

leggings: Target

boots: thrifted

Tuesday. Consult with girls' heart surgeon at the hospital and homeschooling and kids' soccer practice.

shirt: thrifted

cardigan sweater: thrifted

jeans: Forever 21

boots: thrifted

hand-stamped necklace: Lisa Leonard Designs

red necklace: Ethiopia

Old books

2011-10-11T07:23:00.001-06:00

I love, love, love to read.

I've always loved to read.

And, I've read a lot of books.

Mostly non-fiction-type books.

I have to tell you though that I really think old books are the very best.

Kevin introduced me to CS Lewis in college. Via Mere Christianity. I was ~~regularly ditching~~ taking an 8 am philosophy class at the time where we daily discussed whether frogs have souls, so Lewis was a huge breath of fresh air. :) His work definitely shaped my views on faith and God and gave me a lot to think about.

It's funny how quickly authors are pumping out books today. The contemporary Christian genre is saturated with peoples' thoughts and opinions on pretty much everything. (More power to the authors for getting published, however! People are obviously reading the books!) I have to admit though that I'm starting to think I'm largely done with this stuff--though I'll still probably read it here and there just to stay in the loop. (I recently read Love Wins, for example. 'Cause all the cool kids were reading it.)

Anyway, I recently found St. Frances de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life at the thrift store. Written in, you know, the 16th century. And so far it is amazing. Really, quite astounding. His thoughts are just so rich.

So, yeah, old books are awesome. What are you reading these days?

Family and progress

2011-10-10T07:20:00.002-06:00

We've been home three weeks now.

And I cannot even begin to tell you the amazing trasnformation that we have witnessed in our sweet TG.

(Pictured above, with me, in a rather comfy chair in Frankfurt, Germany. But don't be deceived--in spite of the chair comfiness, I am not a fan of that airport. At all.)

But back to the transformation.

When we picked Tigist up from the orphanage, she couldn't put any weight on her legs. Within a week, she could stand holding onto my hands, or onto a table.

As of a week ago, she could not successfully drink water from a sippy cup, bottle, or regular drinking glass! 40-50% of the water would come back out of her mouth and result in her ~~mom~~ clothes or bib being positively drenched. Nor could she hold the cup herself. At all. But now? She's drinking successfully, out of the sippy, and can do so independently.

Until recently she really didn't have much of an attention span for playing with toys. Last night, she sat for a good ten minutes at a toy, playing and chattering and enjoying herself.

It was clear from the day we took custody of Tigist that she had had very little exposure to different food textures. So that, coupled with the characteristic low muscle tone of her tongue, made for extremely messy and stressful meal times. Because everything got pushed out of her mouth and she was frustrated. But now she's eating pizza (cut up in little pieces, of course), PB&J sandwiches (also cut), and oatmeal at breakfast (I spoon feed her.) And most all of it is staying in her mouth.

I realize these may sound like the smallest of things. Like stuff that isn't a big deal for, you know, a two-and-a-half-year-old to do. But for sweet Tigist? It's huge. Without any therapy or professional help, she is making gains. Huge gains. Yes we are still having physical and occupational therapists do evaluations (I'm waiting on their call), but I am just so thrilled for my daughter that with a bit of constancy, stability and love, along with opportunity, she is accomplishing all sorts of things!

What an honor it is to cheer Tigist on, rejoice in her successes, and watch her begin to flourish...right before our very eyes. It's like God is giving us this amazingly precious glimpse into our daughter's potential and strength. Which, in all honestly, is positively limitless.

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a little video of her eating lunch, from a week ago or so. She rocks.

Oh how I love my dear, beautiful TG!

Keeping it real

2011-10-07T16:09:00.001-06:00

So after my "What I Wore Wednesday" post went up, a close friend emailed me saying she was beginning to question her own parenting abilities, being that I wore real clothes three days that week.

Bwahahaha!

I'm laughing because I responded with this:

Parenting abilities...ummm...did you SEE _______ throwing and spitting food all over me at soccer practice yesterday?! Ha! I started my day off today cleaning PLEGHM off the carpet that _______ had spit. And just now I changed a HUGE, nasty, parasitic diaper...and the entire front part of the house smells AWFUL. Seriously, SO GROSS!!!!! AND before THAT, _______ peed so much in her diaper that she soaked her pants....Good times over here, hehehe.

First of all, how awesome is it that I have friends who I can tell The Most Yuckiest of Stuff to, and they STILL want to be my friends?!

Second, I know bloggers say this all the time, but it's true: what people see on your blog is such a small snapshot of your day, much less your LIFE. I don't like complaining on my blog (usually), or putting the worst-of-the-worst out there front and center (usually). Not because I want people to think I live a charmed existence (although in many ways I do!), but because I don't like defining my life by the bad stuff.

And Motherhood is unique because while (like with anything else) there is both good and bad to be found in the daily grind, it is ultimately good. Raising children, loving and nurturing them, allowing yourself to be changed by them and by your sacrifice, is good. For you, for your husband, for your kids, for the Church, and for the world.

I love that my friend wrote back with:
I feel much better now. Your poopy house and spitty floor have served their purpose. : )

Aren't good friends the best? The email exchange made me laugh, I lit some candles to make the house smell better, and I went on my merry way with some good perspective.

So the moral of the story? Now you know (if you didn't already) that it can get pretty crazy 'round the ol' Heldt house.

And now you also know that if you and I become close friends, you might have to hear about The Most Yuckiest of Stuff. You can't say you haven't been warned!

What I Wore Wednesday

2011-10-05T07:37:00.004-06:00

Taking a break from all of the heavier posts, and doing something completely random and superficial today. :) (I would say it's vain, except there's nothing vain when I do "What I Wore Wednesday"--remember the bathing suit top I wore to church?! 'Nuff said. :) )

I'm linking up with Lindsey for What I Wore Wednesday.

As a homeschooling, stay-at-home-as-much-as-possible mom, I'm trying to make an effort to, um, get dressed each day. (I say "trying to make an effort", because I'm not entirely sure I want to make the effort. I'm so that person that likes to be comfortable, and am happy to remain in my pjs all the livelong day. BUT, I don't want that for my kids so much--memories of mom living in her sweats, except for when we leave the house.)

Here are my attempts for the week (well technically just since Sunday, since that's when I started taking pictures. Of myself. Which is rather awkward and unusual. There was one I took of my face, but Kevin said I looked crazed. So headless me it is.) The vast majority of my clothing comes from the slightly stinky thrift store near my house, because while I love clothes, I don't love PAYING a lot for clothes. Yes, I'm a total cheapskate, and rather proud of it. :)

So, I'm going to attempt to do this each Wednesday. To keep things light during a somewhat crazy and more than a little nerve-wracking time in my life. There will probably be a fair share of yoga pants + tshirt pics because, well, being comfy rocks. :)

Sunday. Mass and thrifting and relaxing.

dress--thrifted

sweater--Target clearance

boots--thrifted

scarf--Ethiopia

Monday. Homeschooling and a friend visiting.

camisole--Forever 21

tank top--Target clearance

skirt--thrifted

Tuesday. Homeschooling and soccer practice.

tank top (complete with wrinkles--see, I told you I wasn't vain!)--Target clearance

sweater--Target clearance

skirt--Target clearance (four years ago)

As you can see, nothing exciting or remotely interesting, but sometimes you just want to read something mindless on a Wednesday.

And I didn't mention Down syndrome, adoption, my seven children, or heart surgery once! :)

Can you love Down syndrome?

2011-10-04T07:37:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't know, we now have two children--yes, two!--with Trisomy 21.

Otherwise known as Down syndrome.

Which obviously falls under the "special needs" umbrella, but the funny thing is, I don't really think of my daughters as having special needs.

At all.

Is that weird?

Am I stepping on some sort of landmine here when I say that? (Gosh, I hope not.)

I mean I know they have some medical issues that are a result of Down syndrome. Both girls need heart surgery, and Mekdes also has a thyroid hormone disorder that will require lifelong treatment. I get that. All out-of-the-ordinary stuff, to be sure. Stuff that I desperately wish were not the case.

And I know they have some cognitive delays. It may take them a little longer to learn to read and write.

And one of them has some physical delays for which we're seeking early intervention. (If they'll ever either answer their phones, or call me back.)

But kids WITHOUT Down syndrome are born with heart defects...thyroid problems...learning delays.

So I'm thinking through all this and processing what "being a mom to children with Down syndrome" means for me. And so far?

So far it means I have two sweet little girls who are pretty much all-around awesome!

Mekdes isn't a "special needs kid"--she's Mekdes!

Tigist isn't a "Down syndrome person"--she's Tigist!

And let's face it: each and every one of my children, biological or adopted, chromosomal abnormality or not, has unique and special needs. Things that they need help or encouragement with, or ways that they need me, or ways in which they are, simply, special.

Please hear me when I say that I don't mean to trivialize any of the challenges that people with Trisomy 21 face throughout their lives. (My children included. And, there will be challenges.) I don't attempt to speak for any other mama, especially the mamas blessed with biological children with Down syndrome. I have not endured the trauma of mourning the loss of what I believed was a healthy baby, nor have I spent time with my newborn in the NICU. Each family will have their own dynamic and own way of understanding and processing the way Down syndrome plays out in their child's life. And that's perfectly fine.

As for me, I have to be totally honest and say that, well, I love me some Down syndrome. I DON'T love the holes in my girls' hearts, but I DO admit that I've fallen head-over-heels in love with that precious extra chromosome. Which is a vital and integral part of who my daughters are. They're not defined by Down syndrome or "special needs", but they wouldn't be who they are were it not for those extra copies.

I honestly never really think about how my daughters could (and will) be labeled by most people as "delayed", "disabled", "special needs", or "the r word". They're just my kids. Who need surgery, who need some early intervention, and who need some thyroid meds. Yes, they do have Down syndrome, but around here? We think that's pretty rad. (Yes, I just said rad. I was also jammin' to 1980s Janet Jackson in the thrift store yesterday. Because I'm an awesome product of the '80s like that.)

The fact is that all seven (yes, seven) of my children have needs. Every last one of 'em. And, they always will. I figure being a mother is a lifelong pursuit, filled with joys and sorrows and lots and lots of love-put-into-action. I can't know the future, or say for certain how much Mekdes and Tigist will "do". I can't know what tomorrow holds.

I just know that I'm their mama, and I'm gonna do my very best to help them reach their beautiful, God-given potential, whatever that may be.

Mostly I know I love my dear, sweet daughters. Down syndrome and all.

In pursuit of the new normal

2011-10-03T09:22:00.000-06:00

As of last night, my daughters have been home two weeks.

And I feel like maybe, just MAYbe, we're finally starting to settle in and find our footing again. Maybe. :)

I believe it was Melissa Fay Greene who used the analogy of the family as a mobile. It's moving and somewhat flexible and everyone has their place, but then when you add a child (or two), the mobile is a bit off-balance for awhile as you attempt to find balance and structure again.

Well, it's true. The family is almost like its own system, really. And as I've watched Tigist and Mekdes join our system, I've realized that each system needs to be able to embrace and adjust and sway and essentially absorb the impact of such a change.

I've also realized that our own particular family is so very well suited for our sweet new girlies, and that we have been able to bend and endure some initial chaos. I can't tell you how dang proud I am of my other five children...who accepted their new siblings, without condition, from day one. They have been patient, flexible, loving, and helpful. (Of course, Tigist and Mekdes are pretty easy to love. Just sayin'.)

As for me, I have done my very best to keep up with our regular schedule, so that my kids have not had to give up activities on account of this change. In other words, I've tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy in their lives amidst upheaval. This means keeping up with their homeschool co-op, soccer, ceramics, a Friday night girls' group at our parish, and Mass. Part of me would have loved to have locked the doors, shut all the windows, and turned out all the lights these past two weeks as I've attempted to get over jet lag and the exhaustion of parenting two new little ones. But, I don't think that would have been healthy for me or for our family, overall.

And everyone seems to be evening out, life is marching on, and I'm just starting to get the hang of this whole thing. Kevin went back to work today, another step towards normalcy. We'll spend our day homeschooling and I also need to make some phone calls to the hospital, doctor's office, and early intervention people. Whew.

Of course the irony is that by the time we start feeling normal-ish again, it'll be time for, you know, my daughters' heart surgeries. But, like with everything else, even after our little family mobile goes all crazy-off-kilter, it will right itself again. That's the beauty of family. Experiencing life, both ups and downs, all together, and coming out better and stronger in the end.

The babies at the table

2011-10-01T07:15:00.005-06:00

Please note the random Fisher Price farm in my kitchen, the crumb-fest on my table, the multiple sippy cups, and the crazy-noisy kids in the background. This is reality, folks! :)

But, the babies (as they're now called around here) are pretty cute. So there's that.

Hearts and hope

2011-09-29T15:43:00.000-06:00

Yesterday.

Children's Hospital.

Pediatric cardiology appointments for our two sweet girlies.

Anna came along, to help. Because apparently, when you're seven, you have such a stinking big heart that you want to be there, at the hospital, with your sisters. Yeah, my eldest daughter pretty much rocks.

We were there for SIX HOURS.

Six hours, people!

EKG's (abnormal, of course) necessitated echocardiograms. For which Mekdes (above) had to be sedated.

And it turns out that Tigist has a PDA that needs to be corrected by a procedure of sorts.

And Mekdes has Incomplete AVCD that needs to be corrected by, well, heart surgery.

The cardiologist, after explaining all of his findings to me, paused a moment and asked the question I have a feeling we'll be getting a lot:

"Did you, uh, know about these medical issues when you adopted your girls?"

Yes, I told him.

Yes, we knew they had Down syndrome.

Yes, we suspected they had heart defects that would require heart surgery.

Yes, yes, yes.

We knew.

And, we knew we loved these girls. We knew that God is good and all kinds of faithful. We knew that adoption and life and parenting are messy, no matter what you do.

Now, we didn't know how it would feel to have Mekdes look into our eyes and call us "Mommy", or "Abbabba".

We didn't know how it would feel to see Tigist smile with her entire face, her entire soul, her whole being.

So, yeah, I spent all of yesterday on the cardiology floor of Children's Hospital. And yes, two of my daughters need heart surgery. Which just might kill me, because surgery obviously carries risk, and none of my kids have ever had surgery, and who would ever wish it on their sweet, precious little girls? It's huge. And terrifying.

But honestly?

I left that place filled with hope.

Because Mekdes and Tigist are {finally} getting the care that they need.

That they couldn't get living in an orphanage in a developing country.

And if that means I have to swallow my fear and put on my big-girl pants, so be it.

Thus I'm taking a deep breath.

I'm choosing hope.

And while I'm waiting for the surgeon to call, I'm relishing each and every time Mekdes greets me with "Mommy!" and a hug, and every time Tigist smiles and laughs from the depths of her soul.

Slowly, but surely, their hearts are healing.

And, there is hope.

First moments

2011-09-27T07:27:00.001-06:00

There is really nothing--nothing--quite like taking your child out of an orphanage, and into your arms, and walking away. Away from their home for the past few years and away from the complexity that is, on the one hand, a lifeline...and on the other, a place no child should have to grow up.

And so on a Tuesday morning we showed up to Layla House, gathered our girls, and walked out of the gate.

We got them back to the guest house and waited to be picked up for our trip to the embassy. Here they are in those first moments in a new place, with a new mom and dad. Highlights to watch for include Tigist making us laugh, and Mekdes' jazz hands. :)

And just so you know, these girls are every bit as sweet as they seem in this video. SUCH dear, gentle souls.

Goodbye, orphanage life.

Hello, beautiful daughters.

How truly blessed we are.

An update, one week in

2011-09-26T07:03:00.010-06:00

Well, technically we're about two weeks into parenting the girls, but as of last night we've been HOME with them a week. And since we all know that parenting your children in a developing country (where you don't normally reside) is basically survival mode, I'm not counting that one. (Though it was great!)

Anyway, one week in and life around here is maybe, MAYBE, slooowwwwwly shaping into a routine. (Did I say maybe?)

Some things are really, really easy. As in, easier than I imagined.

And other things are hard.

Mekdes is flourishing. Thriving. Feeling more and more comfortable in our home every.single.day. She is sweet, funny, kind, AFFECTIONATE, and sometimes a little bit naughty (as any good four year old is.) Still a huge language barrier but, who knew, you don't have to speak the same language to build a relationship. She is a family girl, for sure. Oh, and she really likes giving kisses. As in, if you meet her, be prepared for one (or five). :)

Poor Tigist is having a bit of a tough time. That smily, happy-go-lucky baby we met in Ethiopia? Yeah, her world has been rocked. She is insecure, out of sorts, and not nearly so ready with her smiles. That being said, she is one delightfully-huge bundle of cuddly, squishy sweetness. Oh, those cheeks! And that belly! And while she's going through a period of adjustment and grief, she trusts us. She looks to us to meet her needs. And she's simply getting more vocal about them--which is ultimately a good thing.

So, what's been easy? The girls, and their transition. They are both just very sweet-natured, flexible and, dare I say, generally compliant? My other kiddos have been SO incredibly amazing, too. The family is fitting together so nicely. A huge blessing, for sure.

As for what's been hard? Tigist's issues. Because of that sweet little tongue of hers, she pushes out nearly as much food and water as she takes in. She doesn't seem to know how to suck. And she doesn't know how to hold a sippy cup or bottle, even though she's developmentally capable. The eating and drinking issues are related to Down syndrome, but some of her developmental delays are the result of being in an orphanage. Nothing is a HUGE deal, but mealtime is MESSY, and she inevitably gets frustrated, and I'm ever-paranoid about whether or not she's getting enough to eat and drink. Most of all though, she's not always very happy, and that makes this mama so sad.

And, jet lag and fatigue have been hard. Mary deciding not to sleep two nights in a row has been hard. Feeling like our lives have been completely turned upside down, also tough.

BUT, we're making it. We're surviving and seeing far enough around the bend to know that this too shall pass.

Now for an update on the medical issues:

We've treated both girls for giardia, and Tigist for scabies. Oh the joys of institutionalization.

Mekdes has a cardiology appointment and EKG this Wednesday at Children's Hospital. And, most likely, we will be scheduling heart surgery. I'm still processing that one. But I'm oh so grateful that she is home and we can work towards getting her well.

Tigist will also have an EKG this week. Her heart is most likely fine, but it'll be good to know for sure.

I need to call and make appointments with the Down syndrome clinic and International Adoption clinic, both located at Children's.

So that's that. No fancy words or life-changing insights over here, just some updates about our girlies from an admittedly sleepy mama.

More to come soon!

The early days

2011-09-23T06:50:00.008-06:00

The early days of bonding with and caring for newly adopted children are exhausting.

There is honestly SO much to do...medical appointments, picking up prescriptions, GIVING medication, dealing with messes and tears and everything else that comes along with a child joining your family. Add to that the jetlag, and attempting to maintain some sort of normal family schedule and, yeah, it's rough!

I know, once we're settled, that we're going to look back on these early days together and wonder, "How did we survive?" I know that because we've been through this before. In early 2006 we brought twin 16-month-old boys home. And went from one to three kids. Life felt kind of chaotic for awhile. But, then, somehow, we adjusted and now it's all a distant memory that we cherish with fondness and a little bit of pride, because we made it.

But Wednesday was hard.

Doctor appointments for the girlies that included some horrible blood draws and vaccinations. Mekdes cried. Tigist cried. I cried. (Well, my eyes got teary--I was able to mostly hold it together because I didn't want to further scare the girls.) In fact, after the appointments were over, the three of us sat in the car and shared a candy bar and cried.

Then it was off to the gas station (after nearly running out of gas) and eventually the pharmacy to drop off prescriptions.

Due to a scheduling mistake made by my doctor's office staff, I missed my big kids' soccer games. (More crying. From me, not them. They are so incredibly sweet and gracious and I think that contributed to my sadness over missing it.)

I had to get Tigist out of bed at 10 pm to administer some of her meds.

I found out some of their meds wouldn't be ready until yesterday because they're compounds. (But I'm not complaining, because as all parents of internationally adopted children know, Flagyl is basically liquid gold. For reals.)

As for the girls? They're doing amazingly well. Sweet and kind and just so very cute. Lots of adjusting going on, but overall? They're doing great.

Many dear and generous friends have been bringing us meals, for which we are incredibly grateful. (Seriously. We are so blessed!)

And, for the record, my house is a mess, and we still need to unpack, and oh my goodness adoption is not for the faint of heart--even with the sweetest of kids--but I'm trying to remember that these are the life-changing days, the ones where you're trusting moment-by-moment that Jesus has you in His hand.

And the truth is, part of why you have that faith is because of your two new daughters. The ones with Down syndrome, heart defects, parasites, scabies, burn scars. The ones who survived relinquishment and institutionalization in a developing country.

When I look at them, I see two precious little ones who survived against all odds. Two daughters with sweet, tender hearts and gentle, beautiful souls. If they are not a testimony of God's grace, provision, and faithfulness, I don't know who or what is.

So yeah, it's hard. I feel totally disoriented, I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to go to Ethiopia without bringing home some sort of intestinal stowaway, and I have no clue how all of this is going to come together. Life is all topsy turvy right now.

But I'm all kinds of proud to be Tigist and Mekdes' mama.

And mama to Tigist and Mekdes' five siblings.

And, in spite of being tired and out of sorts, I honestly feel like I have a front row seat to one of the best stories ever being told... right here in my own little, messy house.

New beginnings

2011-09-21T09:55:00.000-06:00

We are home!

Let me tell you, few things are better than reuniting with your kids after being gone for a week. That is just too, too long to be away.

In fact, the ONLY thing better than reuniting with your kids is reuniting with them and introducing them to their two new sisters.

All I can say about those early moments is, the compassion of my children is unparalleled. Their enthusiasm, gentle hearts, and eagerness to love their newest siblings brought me to tears. Truly. It was beautiful. Something I'll never, ever forget.

Mary pointing and squealing when each girl came out of the car. I think she remembered them from our court trip in April.

The soft hugs and kisses and "do you want to play with my toys?" from my four older kids.

And, well, the fighting over who got to hold Tigist.

All of it, just precious.

One of my biggest hopes for my children is for them to have open hearts. Hearts that are prone to love and to serve and to give without condition. And, I saw some of that on Sunday night. A glimpse into God's heart and Jesus' love, all from my kids. How blessed are we?

Amazingly, Mekdes and Tigist are starting to feel safe.

Mekdes begging to sleep in her new room with her two big sisters--no more sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed, thank-you-very-much.

Tigist playing downstairs with Mary Lu. Those two are going to get into some serious trouble together. I just know it.

I have to tell you that Mekdes and Tigist are two of the bravest girls I know. They just left everything behind--ev.er.y.thing.--they've ever known, to live life in our crazy family. And yet, they are smiling and playing and even doing some laughing. For some crazy reason they're willing to give us a shot. Humbling for sure.

As you can probably imagine, looking around our dinner table now is incredibly surreal. Seven children, seven blessings, seven signs of God's provision and of Jesus' redemption. Truth be told I am oh so exhausted and I have no clue when life is going to feel manageable or normal again, but there is always the knowing that there are some pretty awesome people sitting around my table.

And we are finally all under the same roof.

Life as a family of nine has begun.

We'll be home soon!

2011-09-17T02:41:00.001-06:00

Last day in Ethiopia.

Last macchiato.

Last moments with friends at the guest house.

Last alternately scalding/cold shower at the guest house.

Last day without my other five kids who I love, and miss, so very much.

Last day our seven kids will be seperated.

Last day Mekdes and Tigist will be Ethiopian citizens, living in Ethiopia.

I love this place. Truly, I love this place.

But, home is good too.

So tonight, we go home. With our two daughters. To their new beds, new siblings, new house, new life.

Last day in Ethiopia.

Thanks so much for your prayers, love and support. See you in Denver!!!

No doubt

2011-09-16T07:15:00.001-06:00

If there was any doubt that Mekdes was unsure about wanting a family, that is gone now.

This morning was the girls' going away party at Layla House, the transition home where they have lived for the past couple of years.

There was singing, special treats, and much kissing and hugging.

And, while our daughter was so happy to see her friends and speak back and forth in Amharic, she was DEFinitely wanting it to be known that we were Mom and dad. Giving us hugs as we hung back and watched, saying that we were "Mommy" and "Daddy." So happy for us to be there meeting her buddies. So, so cute.

Kevin and I both bawled during the singing portion of the ceremony. We kept it together DEcently well, but there were tears. So much emotion and meaningfulness (yes, that is now officially a word) as we watched our two girlies sitting up front, with all the kids clapping and singing in their honor. It was beautiful. And sad. And lots of other things I'm still processing through.

We leave for Denver tomorrow night. SO glad to be going home, SO anxious to start life with my two new daughters. Today I found myself saying over and over to my oldest Ethiopian daughter, "Mekdes' mommy, Mekdes' mommy", while pointing to myself. Then I said, "and Tigist's Mommy, and Anna's Mommy, and Yosef's Mommy, and Biniam's Mommy, and Kaitlyn's Mommy, and Mary's Mommy." To which Mekdes replied (while clutching my hand) "Yes, yes!" Oh, the preciousness. My heart overflows.

Mekdes and Tigist are starting life as family girls now. And I really kind of think it suits them.

When it's sad

2011-09-15T11:19:00.001-06:00

Tonight we went to dinner, and Mekdes cried. No words, just quiet tears. And, we don't speak the same language. So I don't know why she was crying. Offers of ice cream were of no help. So finally I picked her up, walked her around, and sat her back down in my lap. I blew her a kiss (she LOVES blowing kisses back and forth), but she didn't return it. Instead, she buried her head in my neck and rested against me.

As you can imagine, I had tears in my own eyes tonight too. My dear, sweet little girl was sad and not only could I not fix it, I have no way of knowing what it was exactly. I can guess (grief, fear, stomachache, all of the above), but I don't know for sure. And that is hard. Really, really hard. So I hugged, and kissed, and stroked her head and told her that I loved her and that soon we'd be going home. It was all I had to give. Not much, but it's a mama's heart and a mama's love, something that Mekdes didn't have until two days ago.

This adoption thing is hard and sad sometimes, often in unexpected ways. I long to look into my four-year-old's heart, but we don't have words to do that yet. So far I see a sweet, gentle, brave, determined, beautiful little girl, but I also see a child who doesn't feel well struggling to communicate with her new parents.

So I'm longing for Saturday, when we can begin the long journey home and the long journey towards healing and helping these precious little ones feel safe. They are both so dear, so willing to love us and trust us in spite of the fact that we were nothing more than faces in a photograph up until two days ago. Hearts of gold, they have. Sweet souls, these girls.

My heart is broken into about a million and one pieces.

Because I am reminded that precious children like Tigist and Mekdes don't belong in institutions.

And I am reminded that I am so dang blessed to be their mama.

Even when I have no words to comfort them with.

In Ethiopia!

2011-09-14T03:37:00.001-06:00

Hi friends!

Well, we made it. To Ethiopia.

Took custody of our girls on Tuesday.

Embassy appointment yesterday.

Best.chocolate.mousse.ever. at an Italian restaurant last night.

We arrive back in Denver Sunday night.

And, in a nutshell, Tigist and Mekdes are awesome. :)

Super, super mellow.

There has never been a happier 2-year-old that smiles more than Tigist. She is always happy, and always smiling. Cracks.me.up. The girl is hilarious. And she knows it.

Mekdes talks a lot. (But in Amharic, so I don't know what she's saying!) She likes to direct traffic while riding in the backseat of the car (no small feat in Addis--if you've seen the driving here, you know what I mean.) And her rendition of the ABC song is all kinds of awesome. She loves to blow kisses and keeps calling us "Mama" and "Papa."

The hardest part of being here is, honestly, missing my kids at home so very badly. Things here are going quite well--the girls are super easy overall, we're staying healthy, they sleep and nap super well, but I just miss my other little ones soooooo much.

I'm also anxious to get our girls home for medical appointments--Tigist has a rash and Mekdes does indeed have some heart problems (discovered during the embassy physical, and not at all surprising. Roughly 40% of children with Down syndrome are born with a heart defect, plus she is SO small. I just had a feeling.) Also challenging is the fact that Mekdes is terrified of the toilet, but is potty trained (she uses a little potty seat at the orphanage, but we don't have one here at the guesthouse, and even if we did, we won't have one on the plane.) Thus she holds it until she falls asleep and involuntarily pees in her diaper. Suffice it to say she's not feeling the best on account of it. (Also suffice it to say, she is one stubborn girl. Which I really kind of love.)

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update and say that our daughters are beautiful, smart, funny, and we can't wait to get them home. It's time now for a coffee ceremony, and then some shopping. Thank you all so much for your prayers! Life is good and we are so, so blessed! I do love Ethiopia.

We're off

2011-09-11T15:08:00.000-06:00

Well, the suitcases are packed.

Grandma is here.

We're leaving for Ethiopia.

Mekdes and Tigist, Mommy and Daddy are coming! Sleep tight sweet girls. We love you, and we'll be there soon.

It's time

2011-09-07T07:20:00.001-06:00

Our daughters are coming home!

Last week we found out that the embassy cleared our case.

So we're going to Ethiopia. On Sunday.

And arriving back in Denver the following Sunday.

With Tigist.

And Mekdes.

And so very much catching up to do with these beautiful girls who are my daughters, these girls I scarcely know.

A chapter ending: the one of waiting and wondering, and praying for a resolution and living in limbo.

A chapter being written: the long, takes-a-lifetime road of knowing my precious daughters, giving my heart to them and doing my mama's-best to cherish and nourish two sweet souls.

Sweet souls who have spent years as orphans, watching baby after baby leave...while they remained.

Now, finally, it's their turn. Their turn.

Now, finally, I can say:

Tigist and Mekdes, Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you next week! Your towels are hanging in the bathroom, your beds are made, and oh, Mommy still needs to buy your toothbrushes. We can't wait to begin our lives together, to give you hugs and kisses every day and to laugh together, and to never have to be apart again. We're your Mommy and Daddy. We're a family.

It's time.

Saturday stuff

2011-09-03T11:13:00.000-06:00

Love this kid. To pieces.

Are you like me? I always wonder what other people spend their weekends doing. (Of course I'm also that person who, when driving at night, peers into houses to see what the inside looks like. While I'm driving, that is--I don't get out of the car to do it! THAT would be creepy. :) So, maybe you're NOT like me. Anyway.)

Today we're busy getting bedrooms moved around and set up, hanging some fun new things on our walls, and working around the house. I need to make a paint run at some point for a couple of super fun projects and I'm also planning to hit up the thrift store. A local monthly flea market is happening today as well and, time permitting, I may go take a look there too. (Hopefully I won't have any flashbacks to the last time I was there!)

Tomorrow morning is Mass and then later, dinner with wonderful friends.

Kevin has Monday off and oh, how I love a three-day-weekend!

Even when it's filled with house projects.

What are you up to today and the rest of the weekend?

Bleach is beautiful (and other assorted household projects)

2011-09-02T11:13:00.000-06:00

So I have been a spraypainting, bathroom-cleaning, slipcover-bleaching FOOL lately!

Finished up the chandelier that will hang in the babies' room (Mary and Tigist.) It started out brass, and ugly. (But cheap!!! $12 on Craigslist.) Now it is black, and cute. (Anna informed me that black is not an appropriate color for a baby's room. Oops.)

In-process on the schoolroom table. Went quicker than I'd thought--which is good for a horribly impatient, instant-gratification type of gal like me. BUT, I did this particular project out on our deck and at one point it reached 100 degrees outside--causing the paint to do some strange things. Planning to fix that today. Anyway, this originally-maple-colored table (and matching chairs, not pictured, that I plan to Craigslist) comprised the "dining room set" Kevin and I purchased for our apartment when we first got married. I think it was $250 at KMart, for everything. And, it's still going strong.

Bathroom cleaning self-explanatory. But it's a bit easier now that I've bought a nifty little plastic container at IKEA for my cleaning essentials. It all stays together now (as opposed to getting seperated in the cupboard) and is so easy to transport downstairs to the kids' bathroom. It's the little things, right?

Now for my most exciting work of the day.

Three and some odd years ago, we moved to Denver and sold our large microfiber couches (they wouldn't fit in our moving van with the rest of our stuff!)--and bought the IKEA Ektorp couch and loveseat with the white slipcovers. Because I love white couches.

But sadly, our old fixer-upper of a house had some really old, disgusting carpet that made your feet/bottom positively black when you stepped or sat on it. Same with our falling-apart deck outside. (That carpet is now long-gone, and while the deck is unfortunately still there for now, it is not as filthy. Thank goodness!)

So it didn't take long for those beautiful slipcovers to get more than a bit dirty. I've tried washing them before, adding a little bleach, but have just not been thrilled with the results.

Several months ago we bought microfiber couches (Craigslist) for the living room instead (moving the white ones to other parts of our house where we wanted seating). I've come to really miss my IKEA couches, but never wanted to put them back in here because of their stains and propensity to get dirty.

But yesterday I decided to give it one last shot and Googled "how do I bleach my slipcovers?" Lo and behold, my friend Lindsey's blog popped right up! Someone in the comments section of this post had asked her that very question, and she talked about SOAKING them first.

Um, I am so not the sharpest tool in the shed. That had never even occurred to me!

SO I did a soak cycle with bleach and detergent, and then a "whitest whites" cycle with bleach and detergent.

And it was revolutionary!!!

My slipcovers look almost brand new!

HOORAY!

So back in the living room they shall go. I am no longer afraid to use them, and I LOVE the fact that I can essentially wash my couch when it gets dirty. Plus, they smell so nice!

Thank you bleach. Thank you IKEA. Thank you Lindsey.

The frenzy of activity and house projects are ultimately in preparation of bringing Tigist and Mekdes home. Who knows how much time I'll have once they're here (okay, I know, and it's not much!) so I want to do as much as possible now. Kevin just informed me yesterday that he wants to get all the "projects to be done within the next six months" finished in the next four weeks.

So come to think of it, I probably won't have much time to sit on those nice white couches. (But they'll stay clean that way, right?)

Finances and kids: how we do it

2011-08-30T06:36:00.005-06:00

Another good question today, from a blog reader:

I would love to know what you both do for a living and how you plan to afford all the children God brings to your family. I would love an insight to your lifestyle, ways you can cut, ways you can afford adoptions, etc.

This is an excellent question!

It was honestly always a given that once we had children, I would be an at-home mom. We both felt strongly about this, and it was a philosophical/spiritual/foundational decision for us. We knew this might one day mean that we wouldn't own a home, or wouldn't go on vacations, or would have to leave California, but we were dedicated to living off of Kevin's income once we had children.

Kevin is an Electrical Engineer currently working in the aerospace industry. We are so grateful to God for how He provides for us through Kevin's career. My husband is a hard worker and is extremely financially savvy. He does our own taxes, plans for our retirement, is frugal beyond compare and makes a mean Excel spreadsheet. Love this guy!

As for me, I don't earn any sort of income. I'm home with my children full-time, and I also homeschool the three oldest.

We drove majorly old cars that we already owned the first five years we were married (a 1988 Toyota Corolla and a 1988 Lincoln Towncar)--until our number of children exceeded the number of seats. Those old cars were certainly nothing to look at, but we had no car payments thankyouverymuch. When we have needed to buy another car (first our minivan in 2007, and now more recently our passenger van), we have bought them used and shopped around for a good value and good financing. And, we're still driving the Corolla.

We have never taken fancy vacations and spend very little on entertainment. I rarely go to Starbucks and we don't eat out much. We DO buy things, don't get me wrong, but overall we're not huge spenders.

As for our first adoption, we used our home equity line of credit to front the money. We also received a $4,000 adoption subsidy per child (so $8,000 total) from Kevin's employer at the time, but not until the adoption was finalized a year or so later. We've been able to take advantage of the Federal Adoption Tax credit each year, until this year when the government made it refundable and, after a brutal audit, we received the rest of it in full (about $9,000). Thank you US government and IRS!

As for our current adoption, we have received some money in grants and from dear, generous friends who fundraised for us, and are hoping to take advantage of the Federal Adoption Tax Credit in its refundable form again. In terms of fronting the money, again, we pull it out of our home equity line of credit where we have an extremely low interest rate.

I feel like I want to stop to say that international adoption is expensive. No doubt about it. But it's not the only option. Our country has an orphan crisis of its own, and we desperately need families open to children right here in the United States. Don't write foster care or foster-adoption off because you think it's more messy or risky than international adoption--adopting from a foreign country can be messy and risky too. (Have you read my blog lately?) And when you adopt (or foster) through the state/county, the cost is minimal, if anything.

When we moved to Denver three years ago, we bought a 5-bedroom fixer-upper in a nice Denver neighborhood, that Kevin has done the vast majority of the work on himself. Ripping out subfloors and tile, installing all sorts of stuff, etc. We dream of one day adding on to our house by building a second story, and of having a lovely yard with a nice big patio and nice new fence, but that won't be happening anytime soon. And, we're cool with that. Living in the city of Denver, we have NO HOA fees and our property taxes are LOW. Really, really low.

I buy all of our clothes (and most of our other stuff) from the thrift store. My kids love it. I love it. Kevin loves it. We also joyfully accept hand-me-downs. I think for the most part we look decent and put-together--no need for things to be new to look nice, in my opinion.

When we need furniture, I usually find it on Craigslist. Such.great.deals. Three years ago for example, I scored the Pottery Barn square Montego dining table that seats up to 14 people, with two leaves, in perfect condition, for $300. Shopping for stuff on Craigslist means you gotta be persistent and patient, but it's rather exciting when it pays off!

I don't clip coupons, but look for good deals at the grocery store and try to limit my trips there, forcing myself to be creative and use up the stuff that we have. I don't usually buy organic (sorry) and I HATE wasting food.

My kids eat oatmeal for breakfast every.single.day. Super cheap. And, it's healthy. They also usually eat PB&Js on whole wheat bread for lunch, with fresh veggies. Also pretty affordable.

We don't own any fancy gadgets, and that includes smart phones, ipods(!), flat-screen TVs, cable or satellite TV, and even TiVo. Yes, we live in the dark ages, and no, we don't really mind! :)

But what about college? If our kids decide to go to college (and most of them probably will), we will certainly do what we can to make that happen. But will we pay for 100% of each child's housing, tuition and books? Probably not. And I think that's okay. While we will support our kids as best we can (and that includes helping them find a job and allowing them to live at home while going to school), we can't compromise our convictions regarding marriage and children and adoption on account of the college issue.

Hopefully this gives you a little insight into how the Heldts roll. I occasionally do spend more money at Target than I really need to, but we try to live simply, cut costs where we can, and work at being content. I hope that my children can one day look back and see that we loved them dearly, that family came first for us, and that we did the best we could to point them to Jesus. I hope they can remember the beauty of a carefree, simple childhood spent out in the weed-filled backyard digging up worms, eating otterpops in the summertime, and living life together.

Perhaps one day we will need to downgrade our standard of living even further, and if that is the case , so be it.

It's not fancy, but it's our life. And I kind of really love it.

Thanks for asking!

The Heldts learn to swim

2011-08-29T06:29:00.012-06:00

My kids did swim lessons for the very first time this summer at a nearby pool.

I know, I know, we waited a bit.

But when you have five kids it can be tricky to coordinate. Plus, I did try signing them up at our neighborhood rec center a couple of years ago, but they use a lottery system and we didn't get in. Boo.

So this time I signed them up somewhere else. Bwahahahaha. :)

And, they LOVED it. Loved.it.

I originally intended to just enroll my oldest three: Anna, Yosef and Biniam.

But then I found out that the preschool lesson was at the exact same time as theirs, so I signed Kaitlyn up too.

I honestly had NO CLUE if she would be into it. The thing about Kaitlyn is, she is extremely self-confident. I mean really, really sure of herself. This means that she knows what she wants...and what she doesn't.

Imagine my anxiety when the kids showed up to their first lesson and the teacher said "Okay, everyone jump into the pool."

What is Kaitlyn going to do?

My kids all kinda looked around, a bit unsure. But, they did it.

Every.single.one.

Including Kaitlyn! Yay!

As it turns out we were the ONLY ones who signed up at this particular pool. SO, my kids essentially got private lessons for a great price. Woohoo!

As for Mary Lu, she was a cheerleader, as usual. She loved watching her brothers and sisters, and of course enjoyed the water on the days we stayed afterwards to swim.

She also liked pushing her stroller around, emptying the contents of my purse, and redistributing all of our things.

See? Here she is in action.

More contents from my purse. Don't be fooled by her cuteness. She knows how to make a mess.

I'd say the swim lessons were definitely a success. Anna is totally swimming, my boys are just about there, and Kaitlyn has some great water skills under her belt! Plus, they are all safe around the water. It made for a rather busy two weeks, but it was oh so worth it.

Summer T-ball and swim lessons down, Fall soccer club (and ceramics--which granted is not an athletic activity, but I'm equally bad at both so I'll throw it in there) just up ahead. So proud of my kiddos and their willingness to try new things!

Limbo

2011-08-25T17:57:00.000-06:00

Could Tigist be any happier? No. Could she be any cuter? No.

Photo courtesy of my dear friend Bekah.

I detest limbo.

Not the game where you try to go under the stick (okay I don't like the game much either--I'm horrible at it!)

But the state of being.

As in I really, really, really don't like being in transition.

And it feels like multiple areas of my life right now are in exactly that: limbo. Waiting. In-between.

Ugh.

Obviously our adoption has been in limbo for over a year. It is, in many ways, more frustrating and painful by the day. I feel guilty--yes, guilty--that two of my precious children currently live in an orphanage, even though there's not a darn thing I can do about it. And then on the other hand, I sometimes feel fearful about them coming home. What will life look like with seven kids? How am I going to drive that big, huge van sitting outside my house? What if one (or both) of our daughters need...gulp...heart surgery? And then I feel guilty for THAT--for having any less-than-totally-positive thoughts about the girls coming home. The thing is, I WANT them home. But I'm a little nervous. Which is normal, I know.

And things in the religion-y sphere of my life feel limbo-ish too in certain ways. (Yes "y" and "ish" are appropriate suffixes. Completely and totally legit. So is the word "legit.") I've shared about it off and on here. More on that to come soon, I'm sure. But anyway, it's hard being in the in-between. It's hard sometimes to trust and obey and follow when you can't see the end of the road. Especially when it doesn't make sense to other people. But God rarely sends us down the wide path. Because it's all about the narrow road, right?

Of course with all of that being said, my goodness, I love my life!

My kids had orientation today at their homeschool co-op and, while I am utterly exhausted, I'm reminded of how crazy blessed we are to belong to this program.

Kevin's currently on his way home and that always makes me happy, happy, happy. Love my husband. Love.him.

I watched my 22-month-old ~~repeatedly drop and then proceed to~~ eat her very own ice cream cone today.

AND, my dinner prep is all done and it's baking in the oven while my kids clean up the house.

So, yeah.

Limbo's no fun.

I want my girls home.

I want to feel settled.

But life is amazingly sweet.

And there's something to be said for anticipation.

Even in the in-betweens.

No, I'm not. :)

2011-08-22T06:32:00.001-06:00

So I've had three different people (all friends in real life) ask if I am currently "with child" in the last few days. I've apparently made some confusing and ambiguous statements in my posts, so to clear up ANY confusion:

No, I am not pregnant! :)

I AM however attempting to bring my two daughters home from Ethiopia. It's taking too long. Sigh.

But don't get me wrong. I do hope we have more babies. They are always a blessing. Always, always, always. We're just not having one at the moment!

(I met someone tonight who was rather surprised to hear that we have five kids. But then he said, "Wow. Blessed." And, I couldn't agree more!)

7 Quick Takes Friday {#27}

2011-08-19T06:39:00.010-06:00

1.) There's not enough time in the day to do all the reading I want to do. My nightstand is filled with books, my Google Reader is overflowing with unread blog posts, and that's not to mention all the articles and things online each day that I wish I could read. Sigh.

2.) Yesterday I went to an estate sale across the street. With my kids. And, wouldn't you know it, there were probably over one hundred Barbies--still in boxes--at the sale. My kids were ENTHRALLED. Like seriously thrilled. (So I bought them one. One $5 Barbie. To share. I'm cheap!)

3.) Last night Kevin came up the stairs, after tucking our kids in, obviously frustrated with someone. I totally thought he was talking about one of the kids--but no, he was referring to an author of a book. Ha!

4.) Have you ever tried returning something to IKEA? Better yet, have you ever tried getting your money back, after you accidentally rang up your white pendant lamp twice, during self checkout, a few days before? While your husband and five kids sit around, anxious to go home? Well, I don't recommend it. Picture lots of waiting your turn, having a cashier try to tell you she won't help you, and finally having a manager called who then proceeds to take a half-hour to credit your card. But, I still love IKEA. (It's a sickness.)

5.) I just ordered these. Goodbye multiple ziploc sandwich bags that I detest so very much!

6.) We had someone over the other night who happens to be a priest. As he was leaving and the kids were saying goodbye, Kaitlyn asked, "Do you have to leave because the Mass people need you back?" She makes my day. Makes.my.day.

7.) I have a bunch of projects looming--things to paint, mostly. Like lamps, frames, mirrors, a table. Oh, and a piano. However, what I really NEED to do is organize my homeschool things so we can start our schoolyear. I'd thought we'd start this next week, but maybe I'll opt to make my house pretty instead!

Thanks Jen, as always, for hosting!

N to the F to the P

2011-08-18T06:32:00.003-06:00

A friend recently asked the following:

So, what method of NFP do you use? Particularly while breastfeeding? (I am 4 months pregnant, and have an 8 month old, so you can do the math to see that BFing doesn't do anything to suppress my fertility, but it does make my cycle difficult to figure out, and not even "trackable" using a fertility monitor...)

Okay, so NFP. I'm not going to bore you with the details of WHY we don't use artificial contraception, because that's an entirely separate discussion. I'll simply say that we follow historic Catholic Church teaching on the matter. (And the reason we follow Church teaching is a REALLY separate discussion!)

I will also say that we do not personally look to NFP as a SUBSTITUTE for artifical contraception. We desire for our marriage to be open to life, for children to be an organic part of our union together. Check out Cormac Burke's Covenanted Happiness for an aMAzing perspective on marriage, sexuality and children. (It is, sadly, out of print, but if you can't find it at your library you can read the book in its entirety online, at that link.)

So. If there IS something we prayerfully and mutually deem to be a "grave reason" for delaying the conception of a child, then we simply abstain during the time of the month when I am most fertile. We've honestly rarely utilized NFP over the course of our marriage. I will tell you though that a few months ago my cycle returned (I'm still occasionally breastfeeding my youngest), and we decided to use NFP as we wait for our girls to come home. It's something I think and pray about a lot, because on the one hand it seems unwise to conceive a child with two adoptions on the horizon. On the other hand, I've chosen the vocation of marriage and that involves the bearing of children. I take that seriously. It's all very humbling.

And here's the funny thing. Are you ready for this?

I was literally about to tell you that I don't really use a method. I was about to oh-so-vaguely say that I, um, pay attention to my body's symptoms to predict ovulation. But I just now read something that said I AM apparently using a sytem: the Creighton Model.

Who knew I was actually being all official and following something scientific?

We keep track of my cycle on a spreadsheet that Kevin rigged up (my husband is rather fond of Excel!) and I pay attention to those Creighton-ish physical symptoms. (Just the ovulatory ones though. I don't chart every single day, I just pay attention.)

Now I am honestly not sure what an NFP expert would say to do if you're currently breastfeeding (thus having no cycle to track). Nothing except for across-the-board abstinence (or a hysterectomy) prevents pregnancy 100% of the time, so it's always possible that you'll wind up pregnant when you least expect it. Jennifer Fulwiler talked a little bit about that here.

At the end of the day, NFP is a good alternative to hormonal birth control and surgical procedures. It respects womanhood and manhood and does not treat God-given fertility as a disease.

And sometimes you find freedom and beauty in really unexpected or counter-intuitive places. When we made the decision to reject artificial contraception, we discovered the joys of openness to life. Is it always easy? No. But, few worthwhile things are.

Good luck, and thanks for asking!

Worth it (another unfortunate update)

2011-08-17T10:05:00.000-06:00

A dear friend's prayer list, hanging in her beautiful home.

In case you didn't know, my husband and I are in the process of adopting two precious little girls from Ethiopia. Both of them were born with Down syndrome. You can learn more about all of that here.

After months (and months) of delays and setbacks, we finally passed court in July.

Our case was then submitted to the US Embassy a couple of weeks ago. And, not surpisingly (because anything that can go wrong with this process does), it is stuck and delayed again due to the embassy wanting more paperwork at the eleventh hour.

Truth be told, I'm discouraged. Tired of waiting, tired of the unending bureaucracy, and tired of wondering if these girls will ever come home.

And I'm quite aware of the embassy's motives in all of this. And I'm just as disgusted as the next person about the unethical side of international adoption. Really. So please don't feel the need to enlighten me or explain why this is a good thing. Because I get it.

I was actually at a picnic on Sunday where I ran into the judge who processes all of the Ethiopian adoption cases. The same woman we appeared before in Ethiopia, who approved our adoption of Tigist and Mekdes. The courts are currently closed and it turns out that she's in the United States for a few weeks. I would have given anything to pick her brain about the current climate of Ethiopian adoption, but instead I was polite and simply asked for a picture with her.

I'm honestly not sure why she was at a picnic in Denver that was hosted by a local adoption agency (which we used for our homestudy), but I thought it was...odd. Like many things when it comes to international adoption. And while I've been mulling these things over for years now, one thing keeps coming to mind:

There are many, many children who legitimately need a family. Today.

They are in the US foster care system, they are in Eastern Europe, they are in China, they are in Ethiopia.

They are typically older, with medical needs, or developmentally delayed.

And while it is so completely maddening to be in the midst of an adoption process that is essentially going nowhere, I want people to know that there are so very many children who need someone to fight for them.

As for us, we will continue to wait on our daughters' visas, and hope and pray that it won't be too long. While I'm a huge advocate of adoption, I have to be honest and confess that I probably wouldn't personally begin an Ethiopian adoption right now. Things are so up-in-the-air and, well, messy.

But, I also confess that I'm glad I didn't know this was going to happen back when we started the process.

Because Tigist and Mekdes really, really needed a family.

And, now they have one.

So we'll wait as long as we need to. Because they're my daughters, and because they're worth it.

The perfect storm of caffeine and clean

2011-08-15T16:15:00.000-06:00

Mary relaxing. Just because.

I have roughly 20 big trash bags/boxes filled to the brim with items to be donated.

I have cleaned out/organized our garage.

I have cleaned out various closets.

I have organized my kitchen cupboards (!)

Clearly my hormones, combined with my daily (caffeinated--oh yes, I made the switch) iced coffee, the impending school year, and the fact that I could potentially be bringing my daughters home (!) in the next few months, has created the perfect storm where I am actually getting stuff done.

And it feels fabulous!

You can totally hear angels singing when I go to get a drinking glass, or when I step into our garage. Well, not really, but I bet they are.

Anyway, we may soon reach a point where we are more organized than we ever have been, in nine-plus years of marriage. Not too shabby for a family with five children. And with a really old house. And with major packrat-ish tendencies.

Now a question for you: what is your favorite organizational item? Something that helps you get/stay organized? I'm especially dreading organizing my kids' shoes, so any ideas you have about that are much appreciated!

Little Miss Mary (quite contrary)

2011-08-11T06:41:00.002-06:00

Mary Lu is my youngest child.

She is 22 months old.

And a girl of few words. (Six, to be exact.)

She is also a girl full of mischief.

And, she has my heart.

The truth is, she can do no wrong in this house.

Seriously. It's horrible.

I'm trying to be better about setting limits and enforcing rules, but honestly?

She's just too cute.

And opinionated.

Sigh.

What can I say? I love my little girl...and her spunky, sassy attitude.

Parenting children with special needs (and what miscarriage taught me)

2011-08-09T13:26:00.000-06:00

My dear friend Jeannett at Life Rearranged asked today about how we mamas have been touched by raising children with special needs.

And I immediately knew I wanted to write about this. Both about special needs and about motherhood in general, because the two are deeply connected for so many of us.

As many of you know, my husband and I are working to bring home our two daughters, Tigist and Mekdes, from Ethiopia. Both girls were born with Down syndrome.

But let me back up a bit, because my journey to parenting children with special needs did not begin with Tigist and Mekdes, but when I miscarried a baby in 2004. Which was completely devastating. Then I had another miscarriage in 2008. Equally painful and tragic, and it's hard to tell your four other children--through your own tears--that their baby sibling has died and gone to be with Jesus.

Yet through these sad experiences, I did learn to rejoice in every baby, and that a soul knit together in the womb is a soul to love and be grateful for. I became painfully aware that God is the ultimate author of life, and that each and every life is immeasurably valuable and beautiful no matter how short. No matter the child's inability to live beyond six weeks in utero. I was glad for both of my babies I'd lost, grateful I had them for the time I did. Even if it was too short.

And looking back, I can see that this perspective has really shaped my view of children with special needs, in general. Because it touches on the value of life in general. It touches on the meaning of motherhood, because it changes the definition or focus a little bit. The truth is, whether the child meets my criteria for "healthy" (or typical or ________), he or she is my child. My child. A precious, beautiful soul to delight in and nourish and love. A part of our family who will contribute in complex and astounding ways.

So that includes my three biological daughters--the one who taught herself to read, the one who fought horrible infections her entire first year of life, and the one who is inexplicably small for her age and delayed in speech. And it includes my two adopted sons with learning delays and ADHD tendencies. It includes my two miscarried babies. And of course now includes my two daughters in Ethiopia, both with Down syndrome. All of them. Priceless treasures not just the way they are, but because of who they are.

The truth is that Tigist and Mekdes are first and foremost our daughters. Yes, they were born with an extra chromosome. Yes, they may take longer to meet some of their developmental milestones. Yes, they may continue to live with us as adults and yes, we may outlive them. Yes, they could be classified as having "special needs." But, my goodness, they are children. Souls created by a perfect God to love and be loved and to experience life. We receive them as gifts. Like we have received each and every one of our children. All of whom have special needs, in a sense--each child is unique in their approach to life and in their abilities and challenges.

Now I'm under no misapprehensions that life is going to be all neat and tidy and easy as pie for our family. (As if it is now.) My heart is surely going to break into a million pieces when my daughters are inevitably teased for being different. (Is it wrong to punch someone else's kid on the playground? :) ) When we go to Costco or Target we'll get even more stares and questions, no doubt. Probably some derision too. And adopting children with special needs will affect our current children just as much as it affects us.

But when did conformity and anonymity and being the same as the world around us ever become the goal? The truth is, I want my children to be different. I want our family to be those people who are open to life in whatever form it comes. I want my kids to care about one another and not to fear the very act of living. I want them to be virtuous. And to see that life is not about hiding safely behind a white picket fence.

And so when I dream about my two beautiful Ethiopian daughters, I know I wouldn't change a thing about them. I love them just as they are. Down syndrome and special needs and all. Their lives are a gift, and I give thanks to God for opening my eyes to the beauty of each and every life perfectly created by Him. I believe He used my two little babies, both with Jesus now, to show me this. How blessed and humbled I am.

If you are considering adoption or foster care, won't you take a moment to think about the many children born with special needs? Had we not been open to adopting children born with Down syndrome, we would not be the proud parents of Tigist and Mekdes. It's worth thinking about, no?

Ode to the Swedish

2011-08-05T12:40:00.001-06:00

Confession:

I love IKEA.

I mean I really, really love IKEA.

And miracle of all miracles, Colorado finally got their very own IKEA. Which happens to be just twenty-five minutes from mi casa.

Like my friend said Tuesday night as we happily wandered the aisles, "Just being in here makes me giddy."

A few days after it opened, Kevin surprised me and asked if I wanted to go, even though I already had plans to go with girlfriends the following week. Um, okay! (I love my husband! Willing to brave the insane crowds...with his wife who was surely going to want to buy a bunch of stuff. I think he likes me.)

And it was so, so fun. Free kids' meals, Swedish meatballs, and lots of fabulous items to ~~drool over~~ look at. Mary (and Tigist!) each got a new high chair. Nice and small and easy to clean (!), and we just push Mary up to eat at the table now. She feels so important.

I also found some fab (and cheap!) plastic stools and organizational stuff.

And (as if I needed another reason to like IKEA), this mama-to-five loves these signs posted everywhere. Children always welcome? Okay! (I actually took this photo in the family bathroom. Where my children were having a dance party. Yes, we have fun everywhere we go. :) )

The only drawback? You gotta assemble everything yourself. And, people, I am just not that ~~great with tools~~ ~~smart~~ ~~strong~~ patient. Here's hoping Kevin'll give me some help! Because right now my living room looks like the IKEA warehouse exploded. Which, now that I think of it, is maybe not a bad look.

Anyway, yes, I am a very strange, simple person. I like IKEA. Here's to many more coffee-drinking, meatball-eating, Scandinavian-furniture-buying trips ahead!

***And yes, this post is completely 100% frivolous and silly. It's actually kind of ridiculous to have so much fun at a big store filled with inexpensive, put-it-together-yourself furniture and random cafeteria food items. But hey, I don't always have stories about trips to Rome, or about Catholic books I'm reading, and I certainly don't ~~usually~~ always have pregnancies or adoptions to announce. So, sometimes we just gotta lighten things up a bit, even here at Just Showing Up. :)

He is 31 today

2011-08-04T15:42:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to my dear husband Kevin!

I'm honestly so glad I get to spend my life with such a great guy. I know that's such a cliche thing that every wife is supposed to say, but it's true. Kevin is kind, fun, smart, and he makes me laugh. A lot. And he's a great father and a great husband. He even put in a bunch of extra hours this week just so he could make it to the kids' final swim lesson today...where he videotaped and cheered for them...before spending two hours swimming with them and catching them as they went down the big waterslide.

And tonight we'll all go out to dinner and celebrate another year of life for this fabulous guy. It seems that as the years go by, the better things get--my hunch is that it's supposed to work that way, but I'm definitely not taking it for granted. I never imagined when we first met at Grace Church back in 2000 that we would have such an amazing and beautiful life together. And I wholeheartedly attribute so much of it to him.

So, Happy Birthday Kevin! I love you!

Herding cats and fighting children

2011-08-03T06:37:00.004-06:00

I need to tell you something.

Something you should know.

To better understand me and my life.

Ready?

Sometimes raising my five kids is a ~~lot~~ little like raising a big ol' herd of cats.

Melanie recently emailed me:

How do you handle sibling squabbles? Are you constantly jumping up from something you are doing to intervene during hitting/name-calling/yelling/pushing/not-sharing, etc, or do you just ignore them and make them work it out themselves?

Good questions, huh?

I will start by saying that, overall, my kids get along quite well. On an average day, we don't have much fighting. (This of course goes out the window if they're tired, randomly emotional, or if any combination of grandparents is visiting. But usually they do well.)

But let me explain the cats thing.

Our family's dynamic, for some reason, is such that my kids play all together, all day long. In other words, they want to be together. All.the.time. All five of 'em. Which can lead to a herd mentality, and assorted arguments and fights and mischief. (God's cure for the Tower of Babel? Brilliant idea. Brilliant.)

Ironically, the two children who "fight" the most also adore each other the most. These two spend every waking moment together. They are the bestest of pals. But, they fight. This is because she is four years old and a force to be reckoned with, while he is nearly seven years old with a maturity level closer to her's in many ways. She initiates pretty much every spat, and he reciprocates. Their squabbles aren't really a huge deal, mostly arguments where they're pestering each other. But it drives me crazy! So I usually just ~~yell~~ say in a firm voice, "Knock it off! Apologize and get along, or I won't let you play together!" (I know, such great parenting. I'm expecting a book deal any day now.)

And while I don't constantly jump up from what I'm doing to handle sibling issues (I'm not much of a helicopter parent), I do correct the kids if they're hurting each other's feelings or being mean. Because while I want them to work things out themselves, I also realize that they are seven years old and younger--not terribly capable of properly resolving conflicts on their own. I don't make a huge deal out of minor disagreements (and I HATE tattling), but I do have some hard-and-fast rules. Like:

no excluding other kids
no name-calling or yelling
no hitting/kicking
no teasing
everyone shares

Ultimately, I expect my children to be kind to one another and find ways to play peaceably. Toys are to be shared. The kids are usually fine with this, and anytime one of them is having a hard time sharing, I gently remind him or her that the other kids share with them all the time. They all agree it's more fun this way.

I am also big on a child having alone time and space if they desire it, especially since there are seven of us living here and the kids share rooms. If Anna wants to be alone to read? She can go in her room, or in my room. (Rarely though do they choose to separate from the group.)

If a spat is bad enough, I have the two arguing children go sit on their respective beds to cool off a bit until we can all talk calmly about it. I make my children apologize to one another when there's been a problem--and they have to look at the child and say it in a nice voice when they do. Who knows how much remorse they actually feel, but at this point, I figure it's an incredibly valuable thing to be able to say the words "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" The more practice, the better.

It's normal for kids living together to fight and shout and experience tension on a regular basis. I think the home is the most challenging--and amazing--training ground for living a virtuous life. Where better to learn charity towards others, or how to pursue peace?

There is no real age segregation in our home--the four bigger kids include their baby sister in most any game she's willing to play (and some that she's not!) I feel incredibly blessed to have five kids who are best friends. They laugh and talk and watch movies and splash in the pool together. They look out for each other and have such open, accepting hearts.

But sometimes they fight. And sometimes act like a herd of cats. Of course I'm a mama, so I love them anyway. And I'm seeing more and more what amazing gifts they are to each other, that the virtues they build and the lifeskills they learn--living as a family and looking to the common good--are more than worth the arguments and tears.

Thanks for asking!