Six years

Maybe it's strange to do an "anniversary" post like this, but...

Six years ago today I miscarried what would have been our second baby.

October 5th, 2004.

The date is pretty much forever etched in my memory.

Back in those days, we had one sweet baby girl already and the word miscarriage was so not part of our early-twenties vocabulary.

I'd gotten pregnant quite easily with our oldest daughter, pregnancy and labor were a breeze (haha, well as much as they could be!), and she was healthy and happy. 

Horrible things like miscarriages didn't happen to twenty-three-year-olds with one healthy baby already like me.  Right?

Uh, no.  Not so much.  Because it did happen.  And, it was awful.

Really, really awful.

Emotionally devastating, physically painful and downright terrifying.  I wound up in the ER due to excessive bleeding at 11 pm on October 5th, 2004, with Kevin and baby Anna by my side. 

I'd known for weeks that I was going to miscarry--there was no heartbeat.  I opted to wait it out though and do it naturally because I didn't want a D&C.  And, I DID do it naturally, at home, during a George W. Bush/John Kerry debate (I can still hear the audience shouting "FLIP FLOP, FLIP FLOP!"), but the bleeding wasn't letting up, so off to the hospital I went.

(Naturally by the time we got there it WAS pretty much stopped.  Such is the way of things.)

By October 5th, when I actually miscarried, we'd mostly dealt with the emotional fall-out.  We'd had time to prepare.  So that day it was really just facing the physical pain and ultimately feeling grateful that my body was able to do what it was supposed to do, D&C-free.  

Don't get me wrong, there were tears too. 

But we'd already done most of that.

I know a lot of moms who have lost a baby.  There's nothing like it.  Really.  It stinks.  It's not a club I really want to be a part of, but I know I'm in good company.

Time definitely softens the blow, but when I think back to that time in my life, I can remember the sadness as if it were yesterday.  I remember the ultrasound tech not saying a word as we waited to see the heartbeat on the screen.  I remember having to go into the doctor's waiting room afterwards, surrounded by happy women with big pregnant tummies that I would not get to have.  Because my little baby had already gone to be with Jesus.  It is a horribly helpless feeling...wishing you could change things, wishing you could give life to the precious little one still inside you that you already love with every ounce of your being.  I remember clutching my eight-month-old baby girl ever so tightly, never wanting to let her go, so extra grateful for her sweet smiles and giggles--and vowing never to take the miracle of new life for granted.

I also remember contacting a couple of girlfriends who I knew had already faced this, asking them for input and support.  I would never have wished this on anyone, but it felt good to know I wasn't alone.  That there were many amazing women who'd walked this road before me.  I drew on their wisdom and strength.

And there are funny memories from that time, too, as strange as that sounds.  When we FINALLY found out that the baby had, indeed, died (there were a couple of weeks where they actually weren't sure if it was really too soon to see the heartbeat), I remember we trudged home, so very sad.  We made some phone calls and lay down on the couch.  There was devastation mingled with relief because finally we KNEW, finally we had closure.  Now there was just waiting for my body to deliver the baby.

Later that night, we went out to dinner and then to a furniture store to spend a gift certificate before it expired.  I suppose we wanted to get out of the house.  We're weird like that, apparently.

The restaurant we ate at had huge fish tanks and Anna was in awe of all the brightly colored fish.  It was so sweet.

Then...the furniture store.  (Which is now out of business, by the way.)  When we'd bought our couches and bedroom furniture several months earlier, when our new house was done being built, they messed up and shipped the wrong mirror for the dresser.  To make up for the resulting delay, they gave us a $100 store credit. 

And, as luck would have it, it was literally about to expire that day in late September.  As in, the very next day.  So armed with the news that we were for sure going to lose our baby, like any normal couple in that situation...we headed out to do some shopping.

But we couldn't find ANYthing we wanted that was $100 or less.  The store basically had a lot of overpriced, poorly made furniture.  We kept roaming around the store...Kevin kept suggesting fake plants...I kept telling him I REFUSED to buy any fake plants...and FINALLY we settled on this wall hanging that neither of us really liked.  But it was $100.

Sweet success.

That wall hanging (basically a print of some European-looking things that to this day we have been unable to identify) spent most of its life sitting in our guestroom closet.  A couple of times we attempted to hang it somewhere.  But it never stayed.  Because we both hated it.

Then, eventually, something happened to it and it broke.  So we threw it away.

I don't know why, but the whole furniture-store-saga still makes me smile.  I remember feeling strangely comforted walking the aisles of the store with my husband and baby girl.  No matter WHAT difficult things we were facing, or how sad we were...we were a family.  We would face them together.  Anna was losing a baby sibling, and we were losing a child, but God was working His grace through our lives and we had a united front, of sorts.  And sure it would have been a nice consolation prize to at least leave the store with something we LIKED--but maybe God knew that we would need a good, soul-healing laugh instead.

Come to think of it, I suppose I remember a lot of things about my life six years ago.  It was hard.  God was there.  I still feel sad that I never got to meet my sweet baby, but I believe he/she had a soul and that I will someday.  In the meantime, I like to focus on the idea that  his/her life was a gift from God that I got to enjoy and delight in, if only for a short time.  I am mom to a sweet baby in Heaven.  That too is a gift.

And of course I remember that as of October 5th, 2004, we were the not-so-proud owners of a pretty ugly painting that graced our closet for a time.  Who knew that I would one day come to see a piece of hideous artwork as symbolic of God's provision during a very dark time in our lives? 

Well, apparently God did.  Because He always knows just what we need.  And sometimes it's simply a laugh, by way of a ridiculously overpriced furniture store that sells lame-o art.

So that's what I'm remembering today.  Our sweet baby, the painful loss, and God's hand on our lives throughout it all.  Like any grief, it is bittersweet.  And so important to remember.

Adoption (or, me and my mixed feelings)

Yes, I have mixed feelings.

On many, many things.

And I'm over it.  :)  I've been indecisive and decision-averse my entire life.  So this is nothing new for me. 

'Tis a quirk that I've learned to live with.

Something I REALLY feel conflicted about though is adoption.

Yes, adoption.

And I'm an adoptive mom!

I know lots of other adoptive moms.

I know the sad truth of the global orphan crisis and the limited future that orphans face in a developing country.

But I also know the ethical problems and trafficking allegations and all-around yuckiness that inevitably comes with adoption.

As with most things (religion, life, parenting, everything) I wish there were a super easy, black-and-white, bottom line answer.  An across the board solution.  (If you couldn't tell, I LIKE having things tied up all neatly in a nice little predictable box.  And if you also couldn't tell, God has a fabulous sense of humor because He has blessed me with five small children.)

But there's not.

I think anytime there is a product for which there is also a demand, greed comes to call.  And when it comes to adoption (mostly I'm speaking of Ethiopian adoption, but this is true of many other countries as well), there is a HUGE demand-outweighing-the-supply problem.   HUGE.  Waiting lists for healthy baby girls are unbelievably long, for example.  On the surface, people might be tempted to think that this is a GOOD sign.  Families are lining up to take children needing homes.

But the problem is that there are so very many children needing homes TODAY, right now, this very second.  They are not generally, however, healthy baby girls.  (With the masses waiting in line for them.)  They are teenagers, sibling sets, HIV+, born with Down syndrome, diabetic, hearing-impaired, developmentally delayed.  They have Hep B and cleft palates and Cerebral Palsy.  They have "unknowns."  THEY are the truly waiting children.  THEY are the faces that comprise what we call the global orphan crisis.  Kids waiting (and waiting, and waiting) for families.  Considered unadoptable by most adopting families.

People don't like to talk about this aspect of adoption.  It's uncomfortable.  I think most adoptive families like to believe that not only are they adding a child to the mix, they are also helping a child without a home.  Giving a family to a child in need.  It makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside, and like we're participating in something bigger than ourselves and being part of the solution.  Not everyone is willing to shell out thousands of dollars and travel half-way around the world to make a difference, after all.

 This is what we tell ourselves.

I don't know if you've followed some of the stories of unethical agency practices.  I've watched with dismay as adoption agencies have witheld information, mixed up children (yes this happened to a sweet friend of mine), and participated in "harvesting" (going to rural areas and essentially "recruiting" children, from their birth families, for adoption.)  These aren't just rumors--some of this stuff is well-documented.  Law suits are pending.  Yet people continue using some of these agencies, mostly because I think anytime an agency claims to be "Christian", people assume they MUST be working ethically.

Honestly I think we'd ALL like to believe the very best about the adoption industry.  I know I would.  I don't WANT to think that people are profitting off of vulnerable children, or that they're not using "best practices."  I don't like the idea that some people actually believe that coming to America is always preferable to remaining in a developing country with birth family.  (This particular belief has been used to justify harvesting and who knows what else.)  I want to think--I want to KNOW--that my sons had no other options, that they NEEDED a family.

When we began our first adoption process over five years ago to bring home said sons, we hoped to adopt waiting children.  On that big, horrible, guilt-inducing list (are you willing to adopt a child with HIV?  missing limbs?  just one missing limb?  malformed fingers?  gunshot wounds?  large head circumfrence?) we checked off most things as "willing to consider."  We reviewed the current list of waiting children--most were much older than our biological daughter, and we didn't feel comfortable disrupting birth order by more than a year or so--though there were two little ones who we DID consider.  We reviewed their files but ultimately did not move forward.

It was awful. 

While we did feel open to most medical/special needs, one of the children was completely blind, and the other just had a whole lot of those "unknowns" I mentioned earlier.  Definitely very delayed, possibly autistic and showing signs of brain damage because he'd had Meningitis as an infant.

We really wrestled with that decision.  I hated having to turn down the files.  But we really felt that we were not meant to parent either of those children at that time.  (Both of whom have since found families.)  We just really did not feel God leading us there, or giving us peace about it.

Our agency did not place as many children then as they do now, so we DID end up waiting some number of weeks before the director called me with a unique situation: twin boys who'd already been adopted, but whose adoptive family got to Ethiopia and changed their minds.  They claimed one of the twins was autistic and sick and severely developmentally delayed.  He'd recently presented with an enlarged spleen and been diagnosed with asthma.  The director said she honestly thought he would eventually be fine, but they would have him re-evaluated, and would we be interested in considering these little guys? 

Um, yes please!

We'd hoped to adopt at least one girl, but whatever, these boys needed a family!  Someone to believe in them and take a chance on them.  Kevin and I had already made our decision before their file even arrived via Fedex the next day.

Turns out they'd been living in various orphanages for the past FIFTEEN MONTHS.  Ever since they were  a month old.  That was when their birth mother relinquished them to the government, because she could no longer care for them.

It also turns out that, yes, one of them was indeed decently developmentally delayed.  And had horribly low muscle tone in his teeny tiny legs.  I think he probably could have earned a Cerebral Palsy diagnosis.  Really. He also had a slew of emotional issues, but upon meeting him, we pretty much ruled out autism.  He was extremely sociable and loved engaging with us, when he wasn't lethargic.

We really never looked back when we made the choice to become Yosef and Biniam's parents.  There were some "unknowns" looming pretty large with Biniam's development, but we just believed that God would equip us for whatever lay ahead.  We felt open to medical/special needs--there ARE no "perfect" children, anyway.  We decided to give them TIME--to adjust and attach and soak up their new lives in a family.  Biniam eventually began walking (by FAR my proudest, and most rewarding, first-steps moment as a mom), and putting on weight.  He worked through his emotional stuff (mostly triggered by food), and today...well, today he's kind and outgoing and funny and loving.  He has some ADHD-ish tendencies which I DO believe are the result of early childhood trauma.  Yosef seemed to come with fewer health/emotional issues, but he has a hard time today with auditory processing and as a result has some learning delays.  None of it is surprising considering their early life experiences.

Where was I going with all of this?  :)  Well, my boys definitely needed a family.  They'd been relinquished independent of our adoption agency, we have all the papers, there was no funny business that we can see.  Overall, in spite of the strange situation with their first adoptive family, the adoption went as it should have.  Kids needing a family, a family meeting the need.  No they were not waiting children when we became eligible to move forward, but we were actively open to whoever God brought along, even if that included some medical needs.  AND, it is downright foolish to assume that ANY child coming from a developing country will be perfectly healthy.  They may seem that way, but years later may struggle with learning delays or ADHD.

Now that we're in process AGAIN, a lot of these same questions have risen to the surface.  What should adoption mean?  How should we be approaching the process?  There's actually a waiting list now for young HIV+ children in Ethiopia.  Which is nothing short of amazing--in a few years' time, these kids are now seen as adoptable.  This was not the case in early 2006 when we visited Ethiopia.

Which means that we have decided NOT to adopt children with HIV.  Anyone in the age range we feel comfortable with (which has gone down considerably due to some circumstances at the orphanage) already has a waitlist of people, ready to adopt them.  This has been a huge paradigm shift for us because, well, we had always wanted to pursue the adoption of HIV+ children.  In 2006 many were waiting for families, and people were, for the most part, not wanting to parent kids with this status.  But things have drastically changed--for the better--and there is no longer a PRESSING need for families to adopt young children living with HIV in Ethiopia.  (Though many older children still wait and are in great need of families!)

So we have ruled this out.

In our commitment to take harder-to-place children, those who truly need a home today, we have had to bid farewell to our expectations, look elsewhere, see where the need is.

And we have seen it.

It is new territory for us.  Both super exciting and terrifying all at once.  NOT what we would ever have expected.  But we believe it will be far better than anything we could have imagined.

And here's the thing: we all have those things we're equipped for.  That God places on our hearts.  This is just my opinion but it doesn't do anyone any favors to take something on that we have no business doing.  And this will vary from person to person. 

But sometimes conventional wisdom is for the birds.

And it SHOULDN'T be used as an excuse.  An excuse to not do great big things that God will equip us for and carry us through.  All the while seeing beauty made from ashes as God weaves His story of redemption through your family's life.

Sometimes I feel the need to qualify the statement, "I am passionate about adoption."  Instead, I suppose I am passionate about waiting child adoption.  Because I have seen the side of international adoption where families are glued to list-movement updates, where you have to fight tooth and nail to be approved for a medical needs adoption, where agencies gather up healthy babies but refuse to house or place children with medical needs--because THOSE kids are harder to find families for, and therefore not as profitable.

It's ugly.

Thus the mixed feelings I have about adoption.  Maybe it's less adoption and more "adoption culture" that gives me pause.  And no, no one likes to talk about it.  Least of all me.  It is convicting because there ARE placements that would not be right for our family at this time.  There IS a place for being wise and realistic about what we can manage.  I was NOT a pioneer in the movement to adopt HIV+ children, for example, though I tried to be an advocate. 

I love what my wise friend has said: that when they were adopting, they would pray that God would line up the biggest need that they could meet with the resources they had to give.  (I comPLETEly butchered her quote--Jennifer, I am so sorry.  It is far more eloquent and inspiring when you say it!)

And I suppose my main reason for sharing this today is that I wonder if we might all benefit from thinking and talking more about the realities behind adoption.  What is it?  What should it be?  How should it look?  I have a wonderful friend who completely changed directions and is adopting from an entirely different country (and pursuing a child with a different medical need) than she'd planned, because she wanted to meet a need and not go on a waitlist.  I am inspired by this.  I'm inspired by two other families I know who are currently each bringing home a pair of older children who've been waiting for a family.  Two of the children are also living with HIV.

If you are thinking about adopting, please be willing to have these difficult conversations.  Even though it's not fun.  Think through the principles behind adoption, supply and demand, and the fact that so very many little ones wait because they were born with medical needs, or are in a less-popular-to-adopt-from country.  (And this has changed over time too.)  You don't have to be a saint to pursue the adoption of a waiting child.  Far from it.  I know many, many families in this situation and they are all regular people raising kids and busy with the usual stuff of life.  But God is there meeting them and making something really beautiful out of it all.  Love it.

As our own process continues to move along (and yes, an update is forthcoming), I can say that I am utterly excited and passionate about waiting child adoption.  We have had these gut-wrenching conversations and have asked God repeatedly what He wants from us, and He has been faithful to answer.  Not on our timetable, because we spent a lot of time wondering what on earth we were going to do and how this process would end.  It was stressful.  Painful at times.  But God knew, and at just the right time--not a moment too soon, and not a moment too late--He spoke to our hearts and aligned the greatest need with our ability to meet that need.  And things are coming together.  In a messy, beautiful, we-are-so-going-to-need-God's-grace sort of way.

So I may have mixed feelings about the adoption culture, but I DON'T have mixed feelings about God's work or about the need for us--the church--to take up the cause of the fatherless.  And that means adoption in many cases.  But let's be wise, and sensitive to the truths--some of them difficult--behind the orphan crisis.  It is not enough to simply have good intentions. 

If we truly want to pursue justice on behalf of these children, we need to have our eyes opened and our hearts softened.  We need to seek out ethical adoption agencies and make sure our hearts are in the right place.  We need to understand our own motives. 

It's hard work. 

But these children are oh so worth it, and God may just surprise you by placing a waiting child, or two, on your heart.

7 Quick Takes Friday {#8}

1.)  I've missed doing this regular Friday post.  I don't know why, but it's fun--though sometimes challenging--coming up with seven random bullet-points at the end of a week.  Anyway, I'm going to try to get back into it.  (Part of me probably likes it because it's a little more "mindless".  I don't have to put TOO much thought into it and I can simply write a very little bit about seven different things.  OR, if I don't HAVE seven things to write about...I can use up one of them saying I don't have anything to say.  :)


2.)  Yesterday while running errands, I bought a fun basket to institute a new organizational system.  Nothing fancy, I assure you.  But a way to keep important papers (the kids' school stuff, adoption forms, coupons etc.) nice and tidy in a handy spot in my kitchen.  I think I'm going to be really happy with it, and it'll be so nice being a little more clutter-free around here.  Baby steps.  Several weeks ago I'd bought some cute (and cheap!) file folders to go inside, and I've already labeled several of them and put them in my basket, along with a jar for pens and pencils, my planner, and a pad of paper.  I got the idea from this friend, who along with this friend, have all sorts of wonderful organizational and home ideas.  I'm horribly uncreative but I get so excited when I see something I like!  Then I promptly attempt to copy it.  :)

3.)  Mary Lu has been SO foul-tempered lately.  I have no clue why.  (The above photo is of her in happier times.  With food on her face.  I couldn't find any pictures of her looking upset--I really need to remedy that.  Maybe tomorrow.)  By lately, I mean the past couple of days.  She's not sleeping as well and wakes up MAD.  And throughout the day, if a situation arises where she's not pleased--and when you're eleven-months-old, these situations DO arise--she is ANGRY.  Screaming and crying.  Loudly.  I've had no caffeine, and haven't been eating anything weird.  She DOES have THREE new teeth coming in, so maybe that's it.  Either way, I hope it's over SOON!  Because as nice as it is having her stay up until 11 pm watching Seinfeld with us, because she doesn't want to go to bed and literally will not scream and cry herself to sleep, I do miss her generally happy and laid back countenance.

4.)  I'm reading this book right now (pardon the blurry cover but I couldn't find a good picture) that the rest of you would probably find boring.  I find it rather fascinating.  One of the chapters however really turned me off, and since reading it, I've felt less inclined to pick up the book.  So lame, because I'm NOT Roman Catholic, and so I shouldn't, and don't, expect to hold all of the author's views.  Still, his personal take on salvation kind of irked me.  I want to finish the book, because it really has been a fascinating peek into an age-old debate that offers insights into the origins of some of the fundamentalists' anti-Catholic rhetoric.  But I think I'm actually a little mad at the author, and am giving him the cold shoulder.  Oh man, I need to get a life.  But not until after my falling out with Karl is resolved.  I need some space, and then hopefully he can enter my good, currently-Protestant-although-not-anti-Catholic graces, again.


5.)  Last night Kevin spoke these words to me: "Maybe if I was a computer screen, I'd get more of your love and attention."  While I was blogging.  It made me laugh, so I'm including it here.  Blogging friends, do your husbands say these sorts of things too?  (Kevin actually really supports my silly little piece of the blogosphere and is an avid reader.  One of the few and the proud.  For some reason it means a lot to me that he reads, and I get so excited to hear what he thinks about my posts.)


6.)  We watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid this week.  HILARIOUS!  Oh my goodness, we laughed and laughed.  Soooo funny.  Some great quotes in there, to be sure.  My kids however didn't see it...I wanted to preview it myself first.  I'm glad that I did because it's maybe a little "edgier" than what my kids (the oldest being six years old) typically watch.  Maybe in a couple of years.  Anyway, if your kids aren't interested in the movie, or are too young for it, watch it yourself anyway.  You won't be sorry!

7.)  I'm completely and utterly admiring-from-afar the joy that is...Fiestaware.  Why have I only recently discovered this happy-cheery goodness?  (Oh that's right, I am so not in the know.  Mostly I really like that.)  Anyway, I love all the bright colors and mix-and-matchy-ness of it.  My favorite colors in general right now are turqoise, orange, and gold-ish-harvest-ish-yellow (that's a color, right?!)  There are lots of fun dishes in those shades that I think would look GREAT on my black Pottery Barn via Craigslist table.  And I know, I just KNOW, that not only would food taste better, but that I would suddenly LOVE to cook and entertain, if only I owned some of these pieces.  Riiiigggghhhhht.  :)  I start to feel uncomfortable when I think about the principles behind consumerism and discontent and materialism.  But those dishes sure are pretty.  So I'm admiring.  From afar.  While feeling uncomfortable.  :)

**********************

I hope you all have a great weekend!  We have a birthday party for a sweet little girl to attend on Saturday afternoon, but other than that, it's wide open.  Which should mean lots of relaxing and fun and maybe even some thrifting, too!

Oh and if YOU want to participate in the 7 Quick Takes Friday, head on over to Conversion Diary and link up.  Be sure to read through Jennifer's blog while you're there--it's one of my favorites!

It goes both ways

Well friends, it did indeed happen.  This past Saturday was the day that I caught Mary and Kaitlyn's tummy flu.

Instead of a much-longed-for weekend day of getting things done and being productive, I spent it on the couch, alternating between fighting tooth-and-nail not to be sick, and being sick.

This after several days of cleaning up after a sweet, sick baby--laundry, more laundry, multiple baths per day. 

And THAT after looking after Kaitlyn when SHE had come down with it.

Whew.

Being a mother has its perks, and its challenges, and I'm learning that sometimes the challenges are perks too.

I count it a great privilege, for example, to care for my little ones when they're sick.  (It really helps that they're so cute!)  I really try to play it up--they get to have a cozy blanket and pillow to rest on the couch, we cuddle, sometimes there is Jello and usually various videos to watch.  (Sometimes on Mommy's bed).  Siblings rally around and express their sympathies.  If a child has to stay home from church, brothers and sisters return bearing treats from that morning's food table.  Cups overflowing with animal crackers and fresh fruit and usually a bagel with too much cream cheese that they ever so carefully smeared on after the service. 

It is so, so, soooo sweet.

Ministering to the sick is something that God cares about and that Jesus clearly did.  Most churches today devote some portion of resources to this act.  I've never given it too much thought, I suppose.  But this is something we moms do on a regular basis.  In our own homes.  And as I think more about it, there is something so incredibly precious about ministering to our little ones through making them comfortable when they're sick.  Really we're serving Jesus.

But there is more.

It dawned on me on Saturday evening, as a dirt-smudge-faced Kaitlyn came over to me (fresh from climbing trees in the backyard), instructed me to sit up, and placed a pillow behind me so I could rest against it, that my children minister to ME when I'M sick, too.  It goes both ways.  Anna offered to read to me earlier in the day, Yosef brought me crackers, and I get lots of "are you feeling better, Mommy?"s.  Sometimes it's as simple as a child rubbing my back asking if I'm okay.

I've never asked for any of these things.  And I'm not a dramatic sick person (nobody ever believes me at the hospital when I say I'm in labor--until they check me and find out I'm in transition.  :)  And I did the kidney stone thing twice without making a big to-do).  But my kids are amazingly empathic and love on me so.very.well. when I'm not 100%.

The fact is that God uses them to bless me beyond measure and they always seem to know when I need encouragement.  My default is to feel anxious when I get sick, because I can tangibly feel the weight of responsibility that raising five kids brings.  Meals to prep, clothes to wash, diapers to change, kisses and hugs to dole out.  On more than one occasion I have wondered, "How am I EVER going to get through this day with five kids and a flu/sinus infection/kidney stone/mono?"  People, upon hearing the number of children we have, will sometimes ask how I manage when I'm sick.  (It's probably one of the questions I get asked the most, actually.  Which makes sense.  It's a daunting thought.)

My answer has usually always been, "By God's grace", or something equally vague that downplays any and all merit on my part.  Because, trust me, I'm generally down for the count when I'm not feeling well.  I don't have a Type A personality, I'm not a high-energy person anyway, so when germs come to call, I pretty much just try and rest.

But I'm seeing that a more specific answer to that question involves the countless ways my children and husband minister to me in sickness.

Instead of my kids being a burden when I'm not doing well, their smiles and love bring so.much.gladness. to my heart.  Yes I still have to nurse Mary, but her big sister Anna is always so happy to bring her to me.  I'm still on for parenting, but my kids play happily or watch videos for hours.

Why am I so surprised by any of this?

It's just God making His grace known to me through my family.

That's what He does.

I remember back in the days when we had just three small children, but they were all ages 2 and under.  Probably our most challenging phase of parenting.  Harder than having five kids ages 6 and under.  Much harder.  Especially when you factor in the major adjustment period of an adoption.

And in those days, my husband commuted over an hour EACH WAY to work.

Every.single.day.

He rode in a van pool so there was no flexibility in terms of leaving for work a little later, running home at lunch, putting in a half-day.

Plenty of people are doing this, especially in California, and we made it work.  He had a pretty positive attitude about it, until it really did just get to be too much.

And then we moved to Denver.  :)

But I saw God's abundant grace in those days too.

He always met me.  Always.

Somewhere along the way though we pick up this idea that family is generally a good thing unless WE'RE the mom. 

Then family is about responsibility and work and "how am I going to get through this day?"

Which, yes, I do ask myself anytime I'm not functioning on all cylinders (or even sometimes when I am!)

But I want to start remembering that, yes, while I DO have five whole children to look after even when I'm not feeling up to it...I also have five whole children to love me and encourage me when I'm not feeling up to it.

Five little ones making me laugh and making my heart melt.

Love it.

So I'm going to challenge myself to start thinking about things this way,  Jesus ministering to me through my kids.  Because it goes both ways.

****And I feel the need to give a huge shout-out to Kevin who, on this particular day I got sick, took over all parenting and household tasks, including meal prep, baths, the boys' haircuts (!), the list goes on.  I think I need to schedule my sick days on weekends more often!  :)

First full day of school, in pictures

Yosef, Anna and Biniam on their first full-day of their homeschool program!

If you couldn't tell, I had three VERY excited kids this year.

They couldn't wait to set off for school with their backpacks and lunch boxes.

They were THRILLED.

I was really excited for them, too.

And it marked a new chapter in Yosef and Biniam's lives: THEY STARTED KINDERGARTEN. 

How did this happen???  How is it possible that the two sweet little boys who I remember meeting for the first time in an Ethiopian orphanage are going off to school?!  This is simply unfathomable to me.  I still can't fully wrap my mind around the idea that my sons are in school now.  When I do drop-offs, THREE kids are piling out of the van to find their classroom, instead of just one.  I give THREE kids a kiss and hug goodbye, I pack THREE lunches the night before and stuff THREE backpacks with snacks and water bottles as we head out to the car.  (Eventually of course my kids will be packing their own lunches, but boy am I glad that as a homeschooling mom, I only have to do all this ONE TIME A WEEK, instead of FIVE.  Good grief, it's a lot of work getting kids all ready and out the door.)

Anna, my big First-Grader.

I am truly in awe of how much my sweet first-born has grown and matured in the past year.  It's amazing.  I still remember her starting Kindergarten one year ago, shy and unsure but of course super excited, too.  Now she pretty much owns the place--or at least she thinks she does.  :)  When I picked her up after school on her first day, the very first thing out of her mouth was that she made a new friend.  There are more girls in her class this year and she is getting to know all of them.

Yosef, the proud Kindergartner.

This kid has been excited about starting school ever since Anna began last year.  Couldn't wait to get a backpack, school supplies, and set off for a new adventure.  And, he's loving it so far.  I think he's still learning the ropes a little bit, but he's having a lot of fun and I think it's going to be a good first year for him!

Biniam, the enthusiastic Kindergartner.

Just like his brother, Biniam has been eagerly anticipating school and all of its trappings this whole past year.  He's making friends, has a "best friend" in his class, and is also still figuring stuff out.  All the while having a fabulous time, of course.

All three of the kids have PE together at the end of the day.

SO.CUTE.

And if you didn't know my boys, and you saw them at school...you'd never know that they're related.  Or even know each other.

They don't hang out together.

Or sit near each other.

Or have lunch at the same table.

This cracks.me.up.

With personalities like night-and-day, it makes sense that they'd want to carve out their own respective, independent niches at school.  But for some reason, it still amuses me to no end.

"Biniam," I'll ask, "did you sit near Yosef at lunch today?"

"No," he'll reply.

"Yosef, did you play with Biniam at school today?"

"Nope."

Ha, ha.

Such is life with twins, I suppose.

At any rate, I really do think the kids are going to have a wonderful year.  Today is Field Day, and tomorrow I'm attending a puppet show that Anna's class is putting on.  So fun!

This school has turned out to be one of my favorite pieces of our life as homeschoolers.  We truly get to enjoy the best of both worlds. 

So yay for a new school year!  I love new beginnings and am so proud of my kiddos!

Kids and chores

This is a subject I'm always interested in.

I enjoy hearing how other families manage their weekly workload and involve their kids in the process.

I really believe in giving children household responsibilities.

And my kids hear me say on a regular basis that being part a family means helping out to make things run smoothly.  They know that Mommy and Daddy have lots of things they need to do--and are happy to do--for our family, but that they need to help out, too.

Right now we don't really use chore charts, or assign specific jobs to specific kids.  My kids know that they are in charge of picking up after themselves (toys, books, clothes, school stuff), taking their dishes to the counter at the end of a meal, loading their own laundry into the washing machine and moving it to the dryer, and putting it away.  They also help out with various other things that the two littlest kids can't do yet--ie, doing and putting away THEIR laundry etc.  They help bring the groceries in after a Costco/Target/Safeway run.

Lately I've been talking--a LOT--about doing things with a GLAD HEART.  I'd noticed that my children had developed some negative attitudes towards chores and I realized that it's simply not enough to just do the job, it should be done as unto the Lord.  Nobody really LIKES doing work, once the novelty wears off anyway.  But it has to get done, and we have seven people in our house, so it REALLY has to get done.  :)

Surprisingly, all of my annoying "Jesus wants us to do our work with a glad heart" talk has actually made a difference!  My kids have been surprisingly receptive to the idea.  If I ask them to do a job, and the whining starts, I remind them and they generally respond by cleaning up the attitude.

The most difficult aspect of chores these days, interestingly, is the picking up after themselves piece.  My kids will occasionally draaaagggggg it out, go soooooo slowly...it is maddening.  They know that they won't receive lunch or dinner until everything is tidied up, but sometimes even that isn't a huge motivator.

To help at least a little with this issue, I recently went through all.of.their.toys--and gave away a whole bunch to the ARC.  We just have way too many.  And the kids were HORRIBLE about keeping stuff organized.  So after donating a few big bag-fulls to the thrift store, I instituted a bit of a more formal organizational system.  And they're sticking to it!  Matchbox cars in one bin, a bin for Polly Pockets and My Little Pony, a place for Little People etc.  Up until this point I just wasn't overly vigilant about how they kept their things because it would have been a NIGHTMARE.  Trust me, I tried, but they just couldn't seem to keep stuff together.  It was a battle I opted no to fight, for my own personal sanity's sake.  Now though they're definitely capable and it makes this mama very, very happy.  

Another method I have used in the past when toy pick-up isn't going so well (and that I need to implement more often) is the divide-and-conquer technique.  Instead of telling all of the kids "go clean up the school room, playroom and your bedrooms before lunch", I'll assign Anna to one room, Biniam to another, and Yosef to another.  (Kaitlyn fills in wherever, and Mary is still exempt.  :) )  This seems to help...they seem to go faster when they're seperated this way. 

I'm also getting to a point where I am thinking about training the older three kids to do some more substantial chores--bathrooms, for example.  I clean our bathrooms once a week (generally either on Monday or Tuesday) and I actually don't really mind this job so much.  I have a system and it goes quickly.  And I'm reticent to pass the torch because I want the job DONE WELL, so we'll see.  But as far as capabilities go, my kids are more than capable of at least cleaning the toilets.  So maybe we'll start there.

Eventually I foresee having chore charts and specific things assigned to specific children, including bathrooms, sweeping/mopping, wiping down the table, emptying/loading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn...ahhhh, yes, that will be NICE.

I'm NOT, however, sure how we'll handle allowance down the road.  Nobody gets one right now, and I don't know how I feel about the whole thing.  Not to mention, with five kids, that could add up real quick.  I do want to teach my kids about financial stewardship and about the yuckiness of both hoarding and gleefully spending their money (both ultimately can have their root in greed).  I want them to learn about the pitfalls of consumerism and that a life simply lived is filled with joy and contentment, and offers a less obscure view of the important stuff.  But I don't know yet about how we'll do that, or the role allowance might play.

In the meantime though we'll continue working on keeping things picked up with a cheerful, glad heart.  More is at stake here than simply jobs being completed.  My children are learning about maintaining a home, caring for one another, and about doing everything--even the mundane, un-fun stuff--for Jesus.  I'm still learning how to do this and I have a feeling it'll be a long time before I feel proficient at it.  I probably never will.

There is a beautiful fulfillment found in completing tasks and keeping a home. 

It's not always fun but oh, how I love a clean, orderly house.

Merely one, of many, benefits of kids doing chores!

Field trip: Berry Patch Farms

Have I mentioned I love homeschooling?

Well, I do.  For many, many reasons.  Which I will probably blather on about here for as long as we are homeschoolers.

One of the best parts of homeschooling is getting to do things as a family, incorporating all the kids into activities regardless of their age.  Field trips for example can be a family affair that include my three-year-old and baby.  Not only is this super convenient, but I have a philosophical issue with age segregation and its general effect on families and sibling dynamics.  A really great book is Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.  So, so good.  (And the book itself is not a homeschooling or religious book--it's written by two psychiatrists.)

We are part of a homeschool group and recently went on a field trip to a berry farm.  We met up for a picnic lunch, then took a hayride out to the fields to pick (and eat) raspberries, then went and listened to a presentation on honeybees, then visited the little store where I bought fresh (as in, still warm!) roasted green chiles, and all the farm fresh makings for salsa.  Which I made the other day and it is SO YUMMY!  I used the chiles in a chille relleno type dish that was super good too.

The kids of course loved the farm.  Well, except for the part where they got all muddy...it's a long story...but let's just say that my six year old had a complete meltdown because she sunk in the mud and got stuck and her shoes (as were mine, and Kaitlyn's, and Yosef's, and Biniam's) were a complete disaster.  As frustrating and annoying as it is to have your first grade daughter shrieking and crying, I could honestly relate.  I felt like doing the same thing. 

Because we are such city people.  We really are.  I honestly don't mind if my kids get dirty or whatever, but NOT muddy like they were without a pair of proper boots.

But still it was great.  Kaitlyn loved it and got to hang out with her "best friend", Addie--when she wasn't busy picking a slew of unripe raspberries.  Mary didn't love it quite as much, and cried for a good portion of the time we were in the field.  Oh well.

Not too shabby when your school for the day is hanging out at a farm picking berries and learning about bees, I'd say.  We got home tired and dirty and so excited about our adventures.  And I'm already looking forward to the pumpkin patch trip next month!

Taking it easy

Well after yesterday's flurry of activity with a sick baby in tow, we are STAYING HOME today.  Being lazy.  I'm still in my pjs at 10:30 am (okay this is not unusual for me on any given day, but whatever) and I think we'll spend the day doing some fun read-alouds for homeschool.

Mary's still sick--while she had a good day yesterday (lots of napping and in a mostly happy mood), I was up with her again at 2 am this morning...changing her crib sheet, washing her off etc.  She IS in good spirits, though, chewing on my flip flops crawling around and babbling and laughing at her siblings.

Having a sick kid or two doesn't really stress me out TOO terribly much--I'm used to it, really, and I genuinely LIKE being home--but a baby with a stomach virus results in a lot of laundry and late-night cleaning, and every time I nurse her I say a prayer she'll keep it down.  Not to mention I'm constantly paranoid that I'LL catch it.  (Which, let's face it, I probably will.  But it's worth cuddling sweet Mary Lu Lu.)

And alllllll of this is why I'm so extra thankful that some girlfriends and I have a dinner out planned for tonight.  It could not have come at a better time.  I'll be able to leave Mary home (where she will probably just sleep and be loved on by the rest of the family) and enjoy dinner and drinks with good friends.  I shall take a shower and put on clean clothes (that don't smell like I've been taking care of a sick baby) and feel rejuvenated.

I don't need a lot of time away from my kiddos.  Really.  I honestly don't need a ton of "me time" in that sense--I feel like my evenings, after the kids go to bed (so from 7:30 pm on), belong to me and that is plenty.  My kids are with me all day, every day, but for a lot (most?) of that time they are playing/working/reading/??? independently.  Sometimes my house is really quiet.

But.

After my unfortunate bout with kidney stones, and now two sick kids (and many loads of laundry and Clorox wipes used) within a week, I'm ready for an evening out.  There is sure to be good conversation, lots of laughter, and much empathy to go around--the four of us have nineteen kids between us.  Four, four, five (that's me!) and six.  But tonight it'll just be us moms.  Rather exciting I'd say!

So I'm counting down the hours until my friends pick me up and we head off into the sunset--er, to the restaurant.  I know by the time I get back home I'll be so, so anxious to check on my sleeping babe, and I love that.  It's as it should be, I think.

Okay, so today's gameplan, in review: stay in pjs for as long.as.poss.i.ble.  Read good books.  Bathe sick baby.  Eventually take shower and put on fresh clothes and go out to eat with fabulous friends.  Come home to wonderful husband and cute under-the-weather-baby who I will have wondered about the whole time I was gone.

Not such a bad day.  I rather like taking it easy!

Life in the margins

This morning when I went to get my sweet baby up for a busy day...

taking big kids to school, coffee with friends, lunch duty at the big kids' school, and a Costco trip before picking the big kids back up...

I discovered Mary had thrown up. 

All over her crib, and her just-bathed-last-night self.

The clock read 7:30.  We needed to leave by 7:45. 

It's probably no surprise (especially if you know us!) that I don't leave much of a my-baby-might-throw-up cushion in our mornings.  We generally have JUST enough time to get ready, eat some breakfast, and get out the door in time to show up five minutes late to wherever it is we're going.  :)

I live in the itty bitty margins of life's page.  With minimal room to spare.

Not really because I LIKE teetering on the edge, or because I ENJOY showing up places embarrassingly late.  I don't.  But I have five children, and this whole parenting thing is a delicate balancing act of priorities and bare necessities and sanity preservation.  "I could NEVER have five kids aged six an under", people tell me.  Wellllllll, you probably COULD--but you'd have to let some stuff go.  Inch closer to the edge.  And be okay with that.  I rarely entertain, sometimes we go days without going anywhere, and when I'm sick the kids watch Disney movies in rapid succession.

And, when the baby gets sick, I throw her in the tub, throw her soiled laundry in the washing machine, give her some Tylenol, grab some old towels for the car-ride, and pray she doesn't get sick again.  As my four other kids scramble to get in the car.

Small margins.

I will tell you that we still made it to school ON TIME, vomit-free, enjoyed coffee with friends and now we are off to do lunch-duty.  So far, so good. 

But as any mama knows, that could change.  We mamas who live in the itty bitty margins of life especially know that.  And maybe I don't need big margins. 

Because God meets me in this cluttered, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants space. 

And I'm learning to be okay with that.

A big thumbs-up to Elitch Gardens

Each of my bigger kids (Anna, Yosef, Biniam and Kaitlyn) participated in the library program through the Denver Public Library this summer.  Anna read her books independently, and we read to the not-yet-independently-reading kiddos.

There are different prizes along the way, and one of them is a general admission ticket to Elitch Gardens, an amusement park + a water park here in Denver.

Oh, the excitement.

The kids were SO THRILLED and looked forward to going alllllll summer long.  Finally, we skipped out on church one Sunday and hit up the park.  I have to admit that I was a little nervous about the day.  Spending all day ANYwhere can be a challenge with a baby, but at an amusement/water park?  Yikes. 

But I have to say that we had SO MUCH FUN!  Anna and Yosef were tall enough to ride some of the more adult, scary rides (I took them on that huge sea dragon thingy, where I Yosef clung on for dear life and Anna almost threw up, but I'd call it a success anyway.)

The water park was great too--such a refreshing way to break up the day and spend some of the warmer hours.  And cuddle with this sweet little bug.

We ended up staying until CLOSING TIME.  9 pm.  SO not what I expected we'd do, but Kevin and I were having so much fun and the kids were, too.

Honestly it occurred to me that we so rarely have a day of pure FUN.  We are usually either doing stuff around the house, working on our house, or attending events or things at other peoples' houses.  It felt good to get out and just PLAY for an entire day.  Just us.  Mary did great, and it worked well to sneak in bring our own food--less expensive and more relaxing and healthy that way.

I'm already excited for next summer, hoping the library offers this again.  It's the only way our family will ever visit that type of place, because the cost is outrageous and we have a lot of peeps to buy tickets for.  AND, I feel terribly unfulfilled because the bumper cars broke before I could see my four kids on them. 

I would have paid to see that.  Really.  It would have been hilarious.

And the following story surely loses a lot in translation, but I have to share it anyway.  You see, the highlight of the day involved this jerky roller coaster.  After each lap the ride operator stopped the ride and kids could either give a thumbs-up (wanting to stay on) or a thumbs-down (wanting to get off.) 

First lap of the day and Kaitlyn was crying and giving a thumbs-down, so she huffily climbed off the ride.

As did my sons, who weren't such fans either.  Yosef apparently smacked his head.  Note that instead of consoling him, I photographed him.  Hehe.

Thrill-seeker Anna (she gets this from her dad, NOT from me) was giving a huge thumbs-up and a huge grin.  As expected.  She LOVES roller coasters and crazy rides.  She's nuts.  (Note that by the third lap, only she and one other kid remained on the ride.)

Well, later that night we revisited the Cactus Coaster.  Told our other kids to give it another try, that they might like it.  Encouraged them to give a big ol' thumbs-up to the operator as they came around.  Kaitlyn took some convincing, to get her back on that ride...she did NOT want to go...but eventually, she cautiously climbed on.  Gave a real serious thumbs up as she waited for the ride to begin, when we asked what she was supposed to do.  You know, when the ride stopped and the operator asked.

Yet as the coaster took off, whipping around the track, our Kaitlyn, serious as could be with her usual furrowed brow and dark expression...KEPT HER THUMB UP.  THE.EN.TI.RE.TIME.  Bumping and jerking and getting whiplashed around the loop, there was Kaitlyn.  Concentrating ever-so-hard on keeping that thumb up.

Kevin and I were HYSTERICAL.  Doubled over laughing.  Tears streaming down our faces.  We literally couldn't breathe.

Each time the ride came to a rocky halt, and the operator asked and looked for thumbs that were up, Kaitlyn's was, of course, up.  Because she'd been doing everything in her power to keep it up the whole time.  Must not have realized that it was only necessary when the ride stopped.

Oh man.  How I wish we hadn't run out of video tape or that our digital camera battery hadn't died by that point.

But even so, I don't think we'll ever forget the look of sheer terror/determination/concentration on our little girl's face.

When Kaitlyn means business, she means business.  This we know.  We've always known.

So, yes, Elitch Gardens was a huge hit.  Looking forward to next year!

A million and one things to do

That's how I'm feeling right now. 

Last night it was 9 pm before I felt like I could sit back and breathe.

My day yesterday was spent cleaning my house, homeschooling my kids, doing laundry, and blogging.

Today will involve a trip to Costco, some baking, and more work around the house.  Our Community Group meets tonight--although I won't be here for it, because I'll be attending a homeschool group meeting with this friend and this friend and some other friends.  (What, you don't join groups based on whether or not you have good friends in the group?  That must just be me.  :) )  I'm sorry to miss our church small group, but I'm excited to meet up with some great homeschooling mamas for our first meeting of the year.  I'll be bringing along some shortbread cookies (that I plan to bake).  And Mary Lucille.  :)

In other news, we just inherited a second laptop from someone and Kevin and I have been playing this game online, Minesweeper Flags.  (Through MSN Live Messenger.  You open a conversation window with your contact, and then you can invite them to play the game.) 

Oh.my.goodness.

This game makes me FURIOUS.  Last night I was irate.  Ticked off.

Because I can't win for the life of me.  Up until two days ago I was doing great.  Now, not so much.  Kevin keeps beating me.

And I'm telling you, the luck is stacked against me.  I click and it seems I always choose wrong.  Or I open up a huge block of squares and Kevin gets all the flags.

Ahem.  Anyway.  I feel as I have a million and one things to do, I'm a bit overwhelmed, and oh, how I hate that feeling!  I'm honestly not even sure exactly where it's coming from.  I'll get done what needs to get done, and leave the rest for another day, right?

Maybe deep down I'm really just agitated about my inability to crush Kevin at Minesweeper Flags.  Perhaps this also explains my general grumpiness.  Hmmmmm.  (It could also however be explained by the various hormones involved in breastfeeding.  I had Hot Tamales and Junior Mints for lunch, my friends.  Enough said.)

People often jokingly say things to me like, "In all your free time...", as if I really am regularly running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  All on account of having five kids.  The truth is, I DO have quite a bit of free time.  Really.  But today, I will be that chicken.  Doing grocery shopping, scrubbing counters, preparing meals, barking orders at my kids.  Finding time to take a shower and put on some makeup and some presentable/clean clothes.  For the homeschool meeting.  But it will be well worth it because I will go and see my friends, stuff my face with yummy food, and feel all footloose and fancy free because Kevin will have the four oldest kids.  (When you have five children, you don't think of taking your eleventh-month-old daughter along as something that slows you down.  You feel free as a bird.)

I actually don't mind the occasional hustle and bustle, but I DON'T like feeling overwhelmed.

OR losing at Minesweeper Flags.

Those things make me grouchy.

What DOESN'T make me grouchy though are my Hot Tamales and Junior Mints freshly mopped floors and clean bathrooms.

Oh how I love a clean house.

So I'm going to focus on what I've done already, not on what I have left to do.

And also not on the fact that an orange crayon went through the washer AND dryer two nights ago.

I'm just gonna pretend that DIDN'T happen.

Which I guess means I have a million and TWO things to do!

First Bible + a giveaway I want to tell you about!

A month or two ago, while browsing the book section at the ARC, I happened upon some childrens' Bibles.  Pristine condition.  Looked as if they'd never been touched, much less read.  None of them cost more than $2.

It suddenly occurred to me that this would be a great thing to buy for each of my kids, to keep on hand until they are able to read (so far I have one reader, Anna, but hopefully soon I'll have more!).  I envisioned them being a special gift.  It's God's Word, afterall!

Last month also happened to be Anna's first communion.  That's when I decided her Bible (which I'd picked up on a subsequent ARC trip, and hidden on a shelf in my closet, waiting for the perfect occasion) would be the perfect First Communion gift!  Symbolic of her unique relationship with Jesus. 

Our church had such a sweet ceremony for the children receiving their first communion.  (Thanks Kevin for coming up with the initial idea!  :) )

So, when she got up that Sunday morning, I had a gift bag waiting for her at her seat at the breakfast table.  And she was soooooo excited to discover that it contained her very first big girl Bible!  (It's the Young Women of Faith Bible, NIV translation, and the recommended age is 8-12.) 

My thinking in all of this is to help my children grow in their faith.  They all believe in Jesus, and in their need for Him.  They believe He is God's son.  They know they are sinful.  As for me, I really want them to embrace God's call on their lives and to follow after Him wholeheartedly.  Faith is not a private affair; it's communal and ought to involve every aspect of our very lives.  We attend church each Sunday where we worship God through liturgy and sacrament.  Then we host and lead a small group study each Tuesday night in our home.  We have family Bible time (sadly sans Kevin since he's usually already left for work) over the morning oatmeal, using this fabulous Bible that we have gone through so many times over the past three years, and occasionally work through catechism questions too.  It's good.  Faith isn't meant to exist in a vacuum. 

But I also want my children to realize that spiritual formation involves personal time spent pursuing God, too.  Personal time in prayer and worship and studying the Bible.  Thus, the gifting of a big kid Bible.  Giving my children the tools to learn more about who God is and where we fit into God's story.  An attempt to make it something special, to show that we should give thanks that we have access to this compilation of precious, ancient writings.

{I was also able to pick up a pack of girly, fun ruled-paper journals at Costco (three for $9.99!)--I'm going to set Anna  up with one of those too, I think, to keep with her Bible. So she can journal, jot down prayer requests, or draw a picture.  Her handwriting is still coming along, but she can get by I think--especially if I include a cute pen with it.  :) }

My childrens' faith is something that is so very important to me.  It's something I take very seriously.  I often think about what I want to impart to them, as I also reflect upon my own upbringing in a non-denominational, conservative country church.  While I wouldn't choose that church for myself today, I have incredibly fond memories of my childhood there: singing old hymns, learning about Amy Carmichael in Sunday School class, and memorizing Bible verses.  And oh how I loved visiting with friends before and after the service.  Good times.  Lots of community.  Experiencing the love of Christ.

And in addition to that community and relationship building, church also somehow helped nurture my own private faith system, which is still alive and well today.  It's all related somehow, and I'm not sure which comes first, or if one even has to come first.  If I'm following after God and trusting and obeying Him, then I can better contribute to my faith community.  If I'm involved in my faith community, then that will help bolster my private spiritual life.

It works both ways, and I want my sweet little kiddos to experience that.  We have a lot of community in our busy home, but I also want to encourage personal relationship building with God too.  Thus the gifting of a Bible to each child when he/she is able to read it.  I may continue the tradition of doing it the day they receive their first communion--it was really special and hopefully something my daughter will always remember!

Eventually I'd love to see some individual Bible time worked into everyone's schedule each day, or at least a few times per week.  As part of our homeschool day.  Raising men and women of God, passionate about Jesus and His work in the world and in their lives, is our ultimate goal here anyway!

AND, on a related note, head over to the least complicated to enter a drawing for a Seeds Family Worship CD!  I think my kids would love, love, love to have one of these.  I have to admit that I am not very proactive about scripture memorization in our home, but I do think this would make it a lot of fun!  (My friend Jennifer always finds the best stuff.  She has introduced me to Hoong's Chinese food, the ARC, yummy maltballs from Sprouts...the list goes on.  So if she says this is a great CD, I know it is definitely worth owning!!!)