Tuesday, January 19, 2010

S t r e t c h e d

I so don't want to whine on my blog.

But the last couple of weeks have been hard!

We're settling back in after having been gone for 2+ weeks. Mary's awake a lot more during the day, and lately is really only happy when I'm holding her. This is difficult when you have four additional children, are trying to homeschool, and maintain a clean home. Not to mention I've been fighting off some sort of sinus infection. And taking care of Anna, who has a bad cold. I guess I just feel a little discouraged.

And stretched. Not like I have too much on my plate or anything, because I really don't. But stretched in the sense of feeling like I have very limited freedom to do the few things I need to do. I spend a lot of time sitting on the couch with Mary--yes, it's quite nice, but it's also hard because other things aren't getting done. It's actually revealing because I'm learning things about myself, most of which are not so great. :)

Like, I'm impatient. (Okay I already knew that about myself!) And I've internalized far too much of our culture's value system. There are probably others. Such as a crummy attitude, and a proclivity to doubt myself or decisions I've made (homeschooling for example--wouldn't it just be so much easier if my kids were away during the day?)

But the thing is, I really do want to give myself, all of me, away to Jesus. I don't want to withhold my life, my resources, time or affections from God, or from building His kingdom. I read about what's happening in Haiti and I'm reminded that I can't AFFORD to hold back, there is so much to be done. That includes meeting the needs of my sweet 3 month old.

Some days you just grit your teeth and hang on for dear life. Instead of hating those days, I'm trying to find ways to embrace them. Maybe I wouldn't CHOOSE them, but God can redeem them. We serve an amazing, huge, powerful God and unfortunately I forget so often why He created me and what my purpose is. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Neither is following Jesus.

So what does my day look like today? In a minute I'm going to get a cup of coffee. I'll take a shower, do my daily Bible-in-90-days reading, get the kids lunch, make Anna some jello...and try get rid of my ridiculous litmus tests for what a "good" day looks like. Productivity is not the be-all, end-all. Some days, my job is to simply sit and love and serve. Not such a bad gig, if you think about it.


Kate said...

oh hang in there brianna! you are a wonderful girl, mom, friend, and wife, by just being you. i hope that the lord will give you his strength and joy in parenting and "wifing". love you friend.

Charla Liedahl said...

Yes! We are related! Richard is my husband Todd's uncle. Todd's Dad was Hal, Richard's brother. What a small world that you'd find me out in cyberspace!

Your family is beautiful. I am inspired by your adoptions, as someday, Lord-willing, we are praying about adoption as well.

It would be fun to get to know each otehr a bit, so if you'd like to, please email me at toddandcharla@att.net.

Blessings to you and yours!

Charla Liedahl said...

Now that I think about it, I believe that we have met. Were you at Richard and Fely's (25th?) anniversary party a couple of years ago? I remember your twins and chatting with you a bit. Remind me...who is your mom?

Brianna Heldt said...

Charla YES! When I was on your blog I kept thinking that you looked familiar, and wondered if I'd met you at their anniversary party! My mom is Jeanine Liedahl Perruzzi, Richard and Helen's middle child. I don't know if I ever met Hal...I remember meeting Inez, Malcolm and Harold.

Okay I am so emailing you, I look forward to getting to know you!

darci said...

oh my...this is wierd..this was SO my day yesterday! (my bday too, so I was feeling sorry for myself, lol!) All morning was just..argh!! And then I blasted the worship music and pressed all our 'restart buttons' (which it is handy to know are located at the belly button, lol!) and what a better afternoon. It is just letting og of those expectations, and that, well, self. Yesterday i too was thinking, if they were in school i could just go for a walk BY" MYSELF!! :)
What a great reminder, and thank you for it, to not 'just' grit my teeth and plow thru, but embrace a day like that. My dear friend was telling me the Strong's concordance of 'patience'...and every definition had JOY in it. I think I can so often think I'm patient when I 'hold it in'..but true patience is an attitude of joy!
And I just read your above post..I am so glad your sweet Mary is napping! That makes such a huge difference in a mommy's day. :)


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