When you have four older siblings

Mary Lucille is one of five.

Five.
She is the baby, the youngest in our crazy family.

Some might assume that the fifth child would get lost in the shuffle, or that she might have a hard time getting her needs met amidst four bigger siblings.

Um, no. Not really.

Quite the opposite actually. If I'm not wearing her in my Ergo or holding her or having her play near me, she's in a sibling's arms. Or being mobbed by multiple siblings doing their best to make her laugh.

At any given moment, at least two of my kids are vying for her attention. "Let me hold Mary!" they exclaim. "Look Mama, I made her smile! She's laughing!"

And today, one of my children may or may not have taken Mary to sit with them inside a tunnel at a playplace. Without asking first. Mary was not amused. Neither was Mommy. (Okay...maybe Mommy, and her friends, were a LITTLE amused.)

Mary Lu-Lu is incredibly loved.

She is touched, kissed, hugged, rocked, soothed, and held more than any other baby in the universe. I'm convinced.

I think about her growing up, having so many acts to follow. One thing I'm sure of is that she'll never know a day where at least four other people aren't at the ready with encouraging words, big hugs and a smile.

Speaking as a mom, I can tell you that day to day life with five small children can be exhausting. The dishes, laundry, tear-filled eyes, crumb-covered floors, and diapers keep me busy. Occasionally I am tempted to feel like I am drowning in chores I don't want to do. But those moments are, thankfully, fleeting. Fleeting. Because I'm jolted back to reality when I see Mary sitting happily in my son's lap (he's soooo incredibly patient and gentle with her), or hear her laughing hysterically as my kids sing, "Let's pull on Mary's ARM!" (Don't ask, because I don't know. :) They're not actually pulling on her arm when they sing it, and I don't know how they came up with it. But it's just about the best way to get Mary Lu laughing these days. She loves it.)

Those are the moments by which I want to define motherhood. I believe God uses those times to fill up my heart and encourage my soul. They keep me going as I make oatmeal for the three-hundredth-day-in-a-row, or clean bright-blue toothpaste off the wall (how on EARTH do they get it on the WALL?). They give me hope on days when my four oldest aren't getting along. Or when I wonder how in the world God thought I was capable of being mom to these kids.

Mary Lucille brings so much to our family at just seven months old. She is full of joy and

I know, I KNOW, so much of it has to do with the love and affection she receives from her brothers and her sisters. (Even if they DO take her over to the play equipment when she doesn't want to go.)

Random goings-on

Thanks to all of you for the kind comments and emails on the previous post. I pray for these children each day and am hopeful that God will make beauty from ashes in their lives. That's what He does, afterall. He may not need me to participate as a mom in this work, but He can use my prayers. Having the ability to pray, we should never feel helpless...yet I know that so often I do. I want to change that.

Now on to more mundane things: I am seriously at a loss with blogging these days. I can rarely think about subjects for my posts, but I do like having a blog, and I don't like when it sits "dormant" for days on end. Hmmm.

At any rate, I'll just give you a quick update on our lives right now. We're wrapping up our first year of homeschooling, and Anna "graduates" from Kindergarten on Monday! Wow! We have had a wonderful, laid-back year. Yosef and Biniam are both so excited about starting Kindergarten in the fall...I'll have THREE kids to homeschool! This year has been really wonderful in that I've learned a lot about myself and our family, what works for us and what doesn't. Homeschooling can be a bit like parenting in that so much of it is trial-and-error. Some things work, some things don't, and you figure it out as you go.

May has been, and continues to be, unbelievably busy--but with fun things. Meanwhile of course we're still working on our homestudy and now need to start compiling things for our dossier. I hate having things hanging over my head and I hope that this next week we can dig and GET IT DONE. (I feel like I keep saying that, but then inevitably kids get sick, or our week fills up, and we don't have the chance to visit a notary public.)

Today's plans include errands (Costco + Target), coffee with friends this afternoon, and a meeting tonight. First though I need a shower.

Happy Thursday!

Hope deferred

I know I haven't blogged in forever. And how's that for a blogpost title? :) I like to think of myself as an advocate of adoption, but I would also like to believe that I am an honest person, and if I'm being honest, then yes. Adoption is hard.


I've mentioned before that we're in the process to adopt. I hadn't given many details yet because nothing was "official" and I don't like to put the proverbial cart-before-the-horse. No paperwork was signed, nothing had gone to court, we hadn't signed a referral. But we were working towards all of that.

Well, last week all of our plans fell apart. Big time. You see, what I hadn't told you is that there were two waiting children that God had burdened our hearts for, that we prayed for, that we felt led to adopt. Oh how we wanted these children in our family. But last Tuesday some things came to light about one of the children and we found out that we will no longer be able to bring them home. The situation is out of our control and the bottom line is that our family is just not right for these kids. We know it, and even if we didn't, our agency knows it and wouldn't allow us to proceed anyway.


My heart hurts so incredibly badly, and I am praying that they will still find a family, and soon. They've waited so long. It's a horrible situation all the way around. (I feel the need to give the disclaimer that this is NOT something where a previously undetected medical issue with one of the children arose. We are very open to most medical needs. I'm sorry I can't give any more information, but out of respect for their privacy, I just can't.)


Ultimately for us that means that we will continue working on our homestudy and will eventually end up adopting other waiting children. Small issues compared to what these kids are facing.


The past week has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. We're doing fine, but it's sad. Orphaned children are vulnerable children. To lose your parents, to grow up in an impoverished society, to spend years in an institution, to have very little hope of ever having family again...that is beyond devastating. Yet it's the reality for millions of children around the world. That's not me making an emotional appeal, that's the TRUTH. Hunger and abuse of every possible kind and fear rule the day. IT'S UGLY. And real. Too real.


When I was in Minneapolis I had the opportunity to see John Piper give a message about adoption. It was timely, and real, and painful, and beautiful, all at once. You can go here to listen to/read/watch it: What Does It Mean to Live by Faith in the Service to the Fatherless?


I loved what he had to say at the time, but it is relevant to me in a different way now. We walk by faith in our service to the fatherless, no matter what. No matter what.

Obviously there are different ways we can look at our situation. Some might say we must have mis-heard God...or just plain shouldn't have embarked on this journey in the first place...and truthfully I DON'T know why things have taken this turn. We stepped out in faith. I told God that if He wanted, I'd follow Him into the beauty and brokenness that this adoption would be. I was terrified. But clinging to God's promises, and to the fact that I belived with all that was in me that this was what we were supposed to do.

As I'm still trying to process and make sense of it all, and figure out what portion of my heart these children should now occupy, I find myself coming back to the idea that...still I will follow. God is leading us somewhere, is doing something. We've been sure of that for months now. The outcome will obviously be different than what we'd imagined...but it is the path God has us on.

I'm honestly not sure why God compelled us to pursue their adoption when it wouldn't end in adoption...why our story mingled with their story for a couple of months. Honestly, I have literally.no.clue. I do know that as sad as I am that I won't be their mother, I am infinitely more sad for them...because they need a family...need healing...need to know that they are treasures and valuable in God's sight. They are victims in a cruel, unjust world. Their story is horribly tragic. And it's probably not that uncommon of a story.

I received an encouraging email from a sweet friend this week. (I have some amazing friends, both in real life and in the blogosphere.) This woman had graciously and candidly shared her wisdom with me while we were making our decision to bring these children home. I emailed this past week to let her know that it wouldn't be happening, and her reply ended with this:

They are victims, but they are not without a Father.

What more is there to say? These words pierced my heart as I read them through teary eyes. God is there watching out for those kids. He loves them. He knows their fears and their wounds. He's been with them from the beginning. Yet why must they suffer? Why is their life so hard when mine's been so easy? Why has God broken my heart for them to the point of my wanting them to become my own children...when they wouldn't? What bothers me in all of it is NOT that my adoption plans didn't pan out...it's NOT about US in that sense.

I'm bothered for these children, for what they've been through, for what their future may hold.

They are victims.

But not without a Father.

And I'm holding tight to that tonight.

And I'm back!

I got back from Minneapolis Saturday afternoon. It was a great trip and a great conference. I'd love to do a more in-depth post about my time at CAFO's Summit VI, but for now I'll quickly share some highlights:

Karyn Purvis. She's amazing. My second year in a row seeing her speak and she is just incredible. Read The Connected Child if you haven't already. I think it would be great for parents whether they've adopted or not.

John Piper. Yes, John Piper. Everybody loves him but I was admittedly not a huge fan (there are some things he's said/written that I don't agree with. Which is fine. But some of it really bothered me, and people are just SO into him, and I was not.) But his message at the conference was aMAZing. Acknowledging that the outcome of our adoptions is not the point...that we walk by faith no matter what the road holds...he even acknowledged disruption. Wow. I think about his church and about the culture of adoption that they have created there. Support for adoptive families, INCLUDING families in crisis. If only we could replicate that everywhere! So yes, I gained a LOT of respect for him this past Friday. (I still think women ought to be able to be busdrivers, though.)

The Chapmans. Mary Beth shared, and Stephen Curtis Chapman played some songs and led worship. They were wonderful.

Seeing a little girl who I'd met in an orphanage over FOUR YEARS ago. When I first met this precious girl in Ethiopia, she had no family and it was uncertain whether children from this particular orphanage would find homes. BUT all that has changed. And she's amazing and sweet and spent a lot of time holding Mary Lu. Who'd have thought our paths would cross again, that she'd be holding my 6-month-old baby years later at a conference that she came to with her mom?

Finally meeting my friends Lisa and Abbey in real life! They are also on staff with From HIV to Home and are amazing women with amazing hearts. So fun to meet Abbey's mom too--who became Mary's surrogate grandma for a few days.

Lots of time with girlfriends. Jennifer and I shared a room and stayed up way too late discussing very important topics and eating Kit Kats. She put up with me and all my dumb baby gear that I was lugging through the airport, and was still nice to me when I kept dropping my wallet. (And all its contents.)

Running into wonderful friends Dori and Larry from California! What a fun surprise! Seriously, so great. What an inspiration they are.

So yes, a great trip and a great time. I'm reminded that orphan care is complex and messy but God is bigger than all of that. And He wants us to show up and do something.

To be fair there were a few lowlights too--some crackpots claiming they could cure HIV, my allergies acting up and therefore causing my right eye to be comPLETEly bloodshot, and sitting on a hot runway waiting for takeoff, only to endure yucky turbulence. Not fun. Not fun at all. Less fun for some than others.

I'll post some pictures soon!

I'm off!

Leaving this afternoon for Minneapolis, MN for CAFO'S annual Summit. So excited! It'll be great fun, great discussion, and sweet little Mary Lu-Lu should make for a fabulous travel companion. :) Looking forward to spending extended time holding and being with just her.

All of the ladies on staff with From HIV to Home are going. Plus I'll get to see some other friends from around the country.

First though I'm trying to get ready to go. Laundry and packing and bathing kids...ahhhh so much to do! Yesterday I spent much of the day getting adoption paperwork off to AAI. I'd hoped to have all of our notarizations done for our homestudy by now, but that hasn't happened due to sick kids and a sick husband. I'm hoping this trip will give me a chance to catch my breath and take a little break from the paperchase. Also hoping I come back refreshed and ready to jump right back in!

Thanks as always to Kevin for holding down the fort (and four kids) here while I'm away. I always miss him when we're apart and I know it's a ton of work being a single parent for a few days. So thanks Kev, you're the best!

Have a great rest of the week. I'm sure I'll have lots to share when I get back.

Adoption update

So we are currently working through our homestudy. We've been fingerprinted, had our physicals, and are waiting on some forms from our pediatrician regarding our current children. The bulk of what's left is stuff that needs to be notarized (Kevin has a coworker who has graciously offered to do this for us!), an insurance letter...I think that's it.

Meanwhile we finished up watching some Bryan Post training on DVD and have to answer some questions for our placing agency, mail some stuff in to them, and then we'll move on to dossier prep. Whew!

In Colorado you're required to attend several hours of face-to-face training. We went to one session already, and it was great! I loved the presenter--not only was she one of the directors of the agency and very knowledgable, but also an adoptive mom herself. We also met some wonderful people.

At the homestudy training we attended, I was a little surprised to see that everyone there was settling in for a long wait for a healthy infant. I couldn't help but think of the many waiting children, ready to be adopted! SO very many precious children needing families today, right now. No lines, no wait for adoptive parents.

I know that adopting a child with medical needs may initially sound difficult...or frightening...but I can assure you that if you meet any formerly waiting children or their families, you'll see that it's just a child, and just a family. Truly. I know amazing families with HIV+ children, children with cerebral palsy, FAS, etc. etc. These families are happy, thriving, and loving. On the one hand they are amazing, inspiring people. On the other hand, they're just regular people like you and me. That is NOT to say that it's easy. But, no matter HOW you go about adopting, it can be really hard. Lots of unknowns, past trauma, things that can affect an otherwise healthy child.

It is truly exciting that so many are opening their hearts...and yet I'm desperately hoping that viewpoints start to change and we start thinking differently about adoption.

Anyway, that's where we're at! It's a little hard to feel too excited at this point because it seems like just a lot of paperwork...but anytime I allow myself to dream about the outcome of all of it...yeah, I get excited. And nervous. But really, really excited!

"The Shack" yet again

Lest you think that I am anti-Shack...

I really loved some of what I read in there today. About creation and men and women and the result of Adam's sin. I loved his explanation of how women and men ought to be finding their identity and self-worth in God, but how men find it in work, and women find it in men. I loved how it talked about God's original design for relationship between husband and wife...mutual submission...that it is our respective independence that ruins the relationship. That it is a circle of relationship, Eve came from Adam, and now men are born to women. (Okay I realize that sounds a little fruity. But it was awesome, really!)

Kevin just finished listening to the audiobook version, and it turns out he loved that part too.

So, yay for The Shack. Now that the author is spending less time making us very aware of the many races of God, it's getting better. :)

On a personal note I have done a bit of thinking about men and women over the past couple of years. What does it mean to be a woman, a wife, a mother? In preparation for marriage, and then in the early years of being married, I would read (Christian) books that, in many ways, I just could not relate to. Sure there was some good stuff there, but the image of marriage portrayed in these books just seemed so...not me. Not us. I remember Kevin reading James Dobson's What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. I distinctly remember him sitting on the couch (Kevin, not James), every few minutes calling out to me, "Brianna? Is this really true? Do you feel this way? It doesn't sound like you", and me laughing and saying, "No."

Really, I'm sure that the book is just fine. But sometimes I wonder if we get so hung up on women vs. men that we somehow forget that we're HUMAN. With equal access to God. Sometimes I wonder if this actually contributes to difficulty in marriage. Because the Bible says that iron sharpens iron, and how can that happen if one's views are consistently dismissed or diminished because they're a woman? It's messy, and I'm not a theologian (thankfully)...I just think it's not nearly so clear-cut as some make it out to be. Especially in the day-to-day. (No, I don't consider myself a feminist or whatever you want to call it. No, I'm not trying to make a big, across-the-board case for egalitarianism. No, I don't think there's room in marriage for EITHER person to be using the relationship to assert their "rights." Yes, I'm familiar with Ephesians 5. :) )

As for us, Kevin and I are committed to talking things out and attempting to reach a mutually agreeable solution. We have yet to reach a major impasse. (Yes, it may happen at some point and then we'll be stuck. I'll keep you posted. And that's NOT to say we never argue or disagree...it's just never reached a point where we're literally unable to move forward, or someone has to pull rank.) I have thoughts and opinions. They matter. Kevin has thoughts and opinions. They matter. For the sake of our relationship, we want to try to put the other first. I have so much respect for my husband. He's my best friend. He also is really respectful of me. I love our relationship.

Ahem...wow...all that from The Shack! Yikes! It's time to get a bowl of ice cream and watch some mindless TV, I think. (Kevin's not home, he's out at a friend's watching a basketball game. If he were here, he'd be scooping the ice cream and we'd probably be watching Arrested Development on DVD. Bummer. Mindless TV is not NEARLY as fun!)

In-process book report

I'm reading The Shack right now. Finally. I'm probably the only person who HASN'T read it yet. Kevin and Anna have been sick with the flu, so I've had lots of time around the house to read.

And honestly, I'm having a hard time taking it seriously. I was totally feeling for Mack in the beginning, but some of the God stuff just seems so...contrived. And some of what the author is trying to get across just seems so...obvious. He keeps using these racial descriptions, and I know he's really trying to hammer home that God isn't white, but expressions like "distinctively Asian woman" and his repeated use of "big black woman" are just too much. I will also confess that Jesus giving God a footrub was a bit much. :)

A lot of Christians have taken issue with The Shack's theology, but other than the author's thinly-veiled disdain for the institutionalized church, there have only been a few things I'd take issue with so far. Some of the controversy was perhaps a bit overblown.

I love to lose myself in a book...I love when novels reveal deep truths...but I'm finding that I'm just not particularly moved by this one. I know many people have been, and I'm not finished with the book yet, so I'll have to let you know how it all turns out in the end!

Did you read The Shack? What did you think?

Stranger than fiction

So there are some blogs out there that are really, really popular. That have millions of readers. They make the blogger lots of money because they can host ads, etc. on there that companies pay for. The more readers you have, the more money-making potential.

And it's hilarious because some of these blogs are (apparently) controversial. One in particular is so popular, and also so despised, that there are actually blogs dedicated to being AGAINST said blog! (Did that make sense? Someone has a blog, people think it's lame, and so they've started a blog for the sole purpose of being against the first blog.)

I have to admit, this both amuses and disturbs me. Most blogs I read belong to people I either know in real life or have a connection to somehow. The ones I don't, I'm pretty sure are the real deal. Blogging is strange though because people are sharing things and you're reading them and taking it on faith that...

the person is who they say they are
their motives are pure
their stories are real

Personally I cannot fathom creating an online persona that is different from my actual identity, or embellishing stories to boost readership and keep people coming back so I can make money and get exposure. I don't mean that in a self-righteous way, I just mean that in my opinion, that utterly defeats the purpose of blogging. People blog for different reasons and I get the whole "creative license" thing blah blah blah...but the idea of misrepresenting yourself and trying to be someone you're not to make a buck is really yucky.

Blogging is funny because everyone gets to be some sort of mini-celebrity and you definitely have the ability to recreate yourself, stretch the truth, be whoever you want to be. 99% of bloggers aren't doing this, but it IS something interesting to think about.

Oh, and I can assure you that a) I don't have millions of readers therefore I am NOT profitting off of this thing, and b) I'm definitely not making up stories. This really is my life. (Who has the energy to create a different life online?! My regular old life keeps me busy enough!)

Have you found anything weird out in the blogosphere? What is it?

New thinking

I'm currently reading this book. Not super long. Basically an overview of ADHD.

Reading the book has me convinced that Biniam has it. I'm also convinced that we're managing it pretty well for now. Eventually we may make the decision to medicate, but for now, he's doing well without it.

As it turns out, there are many, MANY amazing personality traits that go along with ADHD. So very many creative, ambitious people throughout history would most likely be classified as having ADHD today.

I've read some things in the book that I didn't expect to read. Our family is not involved in tons of activities and I was wondering if we might need to make some changes, if maybe Biniam would need to be doing more "stuff". Interestingly though, the book actually recommends cutting things OUT of your schedule, that children with ADHD actually DON'T necessarily benefit from being in a bunch of structured activities. I also was concerned about homeschool vs. public school...but this book (which is by no means pro-homeschool or anything like that) talks about how what they need is good time just interacting at home, within their family. That they need time with mom and dad, engaging in familial relationships. That coupled with things I've read online actually make Biniam a GREAT candidate to be taught at home.

Finding out some of this stuff is definitely causing me to think about ADHD in a whole new way. It may be listed in the DSM-IV as a disorder, but now I'm thinking of it more in terms of a series of personality traits that my son lives with. Just like anything, they can make some things more difficult, but they can also prove to be amazingly positive.

Last week I met some girlfriends for coffee. By the time we left the restaurant's play area, Biniam had made friends with several children and adults there. He likes saying hi to people, asking how they are. He calmly sits down near them and engages them in conversation. People generally respond well and he wins them over pretty quickly. :)

That is so not my personality--I'm terribly shy and introverted. I was just never that kid. But Biniam is. People come to our house and their kids are excited to see him. They think he's really fun. I recently showed up somewhere with just Mary, and my friend's son immediately asked, "Where's Biniam?" He's kind and outgoing, enthusiastic (!), and very much at ease with other people. These are positives. I admire these things in him. And they are related to his ADHD.

Yes it is hard when he gets upset at home and has a really hard time calming down. Or when he can't find his shoes for the millioneth time in a week. OR when he carelessly spills his cup of milk at breakfast AND at lunch. (Can you see my blood pressure rising?) But I'm getting better at handling the little annoying things, and really delighting in the positives.

The label of ADHD is so not a "pass" for misbehavior. We maintain high expectations for our kids. Yet gaining an understanding of what it is, and what it isn't, is already making a world of difference. I'm thinking about ADHD in new ways, and gaining even more of an appreciation for my son. It really doesn't get any better than that!

Today...

...I took all of the kids to the dentist. (All but Mary had appointments. :) ) They did great, no cavities, had a blast, thrilled about their new toothbrushes. Success!

...We met Kevin for lunch afterwards, and as we were getting everyone settled at a table and preparing to order, a man approached us, told us we had a really special family, and that he wanted to treat us to lunch. Wow. Such an incredibly sweet and generous man, and also such an amazing encouragement. He completely made my day.

...I took the kids to Kohl's and to Ross. They were such troopers while Mommy browsed through the home stuff. I wore Mary in the Ergo, and Anna pushed Kaitlyn in the stroller while Yosef and Biniam walked alongside. Yes it's simpler to go to stores by myself, but I grew up LOVing shopping with my mom (even if we didn't buy anything), and I think it's really important for kids to know how to behave in stores. They usually have a great time, and I also think that children should be seen in society. (Not to mention I don't miss out on time with Kevin this way, if I shop while he's at work!)

And now I am home. Trying to figure something out for dinner and not having much luck. Currently pondering how much better my day would go if I got up at, say, 6 am each day. Pretty sure I don't have the willpower though! And with that, happy Thursday!

Motivation (or a lack thereof)

First off, a silly picture of my sons, just because. They are both such happy, joy-filled kids. I could go on and on about what a blessing it is to see how your children have persevered and are thriving in spite of a really rough start in life, but I'll save that for another post sometime.

Moving on...I am having the worst time getting motivated this week! Monday was a great, busy day but yesterday and today (so far) I'm DRAGGING. I have housework and laundry and adoption paperwork to get done. I need to mail some things off. I need to make an appointment for my physical. I need to install a new ink cartridge in our printer. (Easier said than done, trust me. Electronics and I are not friends!) At some point I also need to throw together some sort of dessert for our Community Group that meets tonight.

Then there are those projects I'm WANTING to do, but that aren't high on the priority list. Like, painting my kitchen to match the dining area, organizing Mary's clothes, cleaning out the garage. Yeah, those things won't be happening today. (Or tomorrow...or the next day. This is me we're talking about.)

So right now I'm going to go have a cup of (decaf) coffee. Because that takes decidedly LESS motivation than those other things, and it tastes good. (This may or may not have to do with the fact that my coffee amounts to mostly sugar and cream.)

Just for the record I don't like feeling unmotivated. So much to do, but I really just want to curl up, admire the snow outside and read a book. (Currently reading When Your Child has...ADD/ADHD, Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children, and The Splendor of Love: John Paull II's Vision for Marriage and Family. I know, right? I obviously do a LOT of light reading...:)

What are YOU doing today? Maybe I'll feel inspired by YOUR productivity!

Going back

Well I'm finally making the official announcement:

We've begun the adoption process again!

I can't really share many details yet. I will just quickly say that we're adopting much sooner than we'd anticipated and that it's a bit of a long story. I can also share that we're hoping to adopt Ethiopian children who have been waiting (and waiting...and waiting...) for a family. Kids who need homes today.

So we're up to our ears in paperwork and social worker visits, and to be honest, it's a bit overwhelming. (This process sure is more daunting when you have five young kids at home, as opposed to just the one!) I'm excited, and nervous all at once. Our social worker visits are complete (yay!), but we're still needing to get our physicals, fill out a bunch of forms, get fingerprinted, etc. My kids have this game called "Busytown" and, well, that pretty much sums it up!

But we're going back to Ethiopia!

I can't wait.

Holy Week

I grew up attending a very small community church. I have tons of childhood memories of church events. I always LOVED Easter Sunday. But as a kid I hated Good Friday. I think it was the somber tone, it seemed everyone was so SAD, and I didn't like everyone being sad. Yes it was horrible that Jesus died on the cross, but he rose again three days later! (I know, I realize that makes no sense. Clearly I didn't quite grasp what the point was of observing Good Friday.)

The last couple of years though, attending a church that more closely follows the church calendar, I've come to really embrace the entire week (and season really) leading up to Easter Sunday. Last year I went to my first Ash Wednesday service and learned some about Lent. Then the Good Friday services at our church are actually some of my favorite church times of the whole year. Amazing hymns, scripture, readings, lots of symbolism. What a gift to sit and walk through the resurrection, and ponder what Jesus did on my behalf.

And this year I went to my first Maundy Thursday service, held not at our church but at a church across the street from us. There was a dinner to commemorate the Last Supper, and then a service that included communion etc. We even got to see our next door neighbor singing in the choir. (Which the kids were so excited about.)

Tomorrow of course is Easter Sunday. Which always feels so celebratory. I love knowing that we're participating in something that millions arond the world are also participating in, and something that people have been observing for centuries.

As for our kids, they attended all of this stuff too. (All five of them, no one went to the nursery or anything.) They sit and listen (in Anna's case she can read along in the bulletin and really participate) and even ask lots of questions ("what's a garment?" "why did Judas hang himself?"--yeah, one of my kids really did ask me that last night.) For now they're interested in what's going on and want to understand. I love it.

All of this to say that I've been trying to take the time to soak everything in this year. It's hard, what with the busy-ness of daily life, but it's well worth it. I hope it has been for you, too.

New road up ahead: ADHD

As we all know, I have two sons who were adopted from Ethiopia at 16 months of age. As we also know (or should by now), adoption is filled with unknowns. This is because we can't know how a child's trauma-filled past will affect them at two, or five, or thirteen years of age. Lack of proper nutrition, potentially poor prenatal health, the experience of being relinquished and moving from orphanage to orphanage...all those things leave an imprint on a child's brain and heart.

When we brought Yosef and Biniam home, they were ready to love, and to trust. Sweet, smiley little boys. They grieved, yes, and that was healthy. We worked through it. Biniam seemed to have the hardest time. He struggled with emotional issues related to food, yet in time those faded away. Upon homecoming he couldn't walk and had low muscle tone (in addition to parasites and a double-ear-infection), but he quickly caught up. We eventually learned his vision was extremely poor, so we dealt with that. He overcame those obstacles just like he overcame the food struggles. My son is a survivor. And a fighter.

We realized a year and a half ago, though, that as time went on, things just weren't going well with Biniam anymore. Nothing major, just little things...that made parenting him extremely stressful. And none of it added up. He had an amazingly kind, sweet heart...yet would regularly take a toy away from a sibling. Almost without thinking. He was so tactile and literally could not help himself when it came to jumping in puddles, stepping in snow...even if I'd JUST specifically told him not to. He doesn't have a defiant bone in his body, yet had a terrible time following through on certain tasks I'd ask him to do. Loves his sister Kaitlyn to pieces, but would get disproportionately upset if she did something to him (even though she's much younger than he is.) The boy can never find his shoes, or something that is lost. I tell him to go look, but he just wanders aimlessly around.

And then there's the constant MOVEment. Biniam has a great attention span, but he's usually moving. I just figured he must be an active kid. So we dug our heels in, hoped he'd outgrow the issues, maintained consistent discipline, encouraged him to jump on the trampoline to get his energy out...and had a really hard time seeking out positive interaction with him. It was just so tiring. I felt angry toward him, and I hated that. As many parents know, it's exhausting putting on that happy face each day, determined to make it better than the day before, only to want to give up an hour later.

Recently it reached a point where I felt like we'd reached the end of the line. We had tried everything with him...time-outs, early bedtimes, taking away privileges...he was just always in trouble. And again, not for anything super BAD. But he's IMPULSIVE. And disorganized. Therefore, he's in trouble a lot. (I know, it sounds weird. It is weird.) And then there are his many QUESTIONS.

He asks a lot of questions.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I came upon an article that, well, may as well have been written about my son and our family. It was an article about ADHD.

I'd always assumed that four-letter-acronym couldn't be it, because he DOES have a decent attention span, doesn't flit from activity to activity, he enjoys being read to...basically he didn't fit my stereotype of an ADHD-affected child. (I also read up on Sensory Processing Disorder and of course attachment issues, but those definitely didn't fit.) Yet I'd become suspicious because of his moving around so much. So I started doing some research. And this article listed some myths about ADHD. Guess what? Every.single.one. was something I'd believed was a reason he couldn't have it. Those myths now corrected, he's a classic, textbook case.

The article also went on to talk about strengths of kids who have ADHD. Yep, those described him too. Other kids think Biniam's a ton of fun. They love to play with him. He's outgoing and funny and exuberant and enthusiastic. He's generally pretty well-liked.

So.

We haven't had him officially evaluated yet, but I know what the outcome will be. Really. I'd stake my life on it. He's (over)due for his well-check anyway, so I'll talk to our pediatrician then.

Children who come from "hard places" tend to be at higher risk for various things, including ADHD. Still I did NOT see this coming. Part of me feels relieved to have discovered the reason for all the stress involved in parenting him...and part of me feels sad and frustrated. I would not have chosen for my child to deal with this...and I know, saying that sounds so stupid!!! Because really people, it's NOT the end of the world. For having ADHD, he compensates really well. If you dropped in unexpectedly on any given day, you'd even see that our home is pretty quiet. Not chaotic. He's mostly just a regular little boy. It's just those little things that, over time, amount to what feel like big things.

For me right now it's all about coming to a place where you make peace with the situation you thought you had, and move forward with the situation you actually have.

Thus I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. I'm discovering that I'm afraid of LABELS. I'm scared my son will cease to be known as Biniam, a fun and nice kid, and will become "that kid with ADHD." I'm also realizing that I fear JUDGEMENT...people thinking that I'm using a label to cover over poor parenting or a disobedient child. "ADHD is over-diagnosed", they'll say. Everyone is an expert when it comes to kids and behavior. (Quick tip: don't judge other peoples' kids. You haven't walked in that family's shoes. Can I just say too that I'm so incredibly grateful for a couple of close girlfriends who I can be painfully honest with and who accept me and my kids no matter what? If you are raising children from difficult backgrounds, or if you are raising a biological child struggling with something, support is so important.)

And so I went back and forth about blogging this. Because of everything in the above paragraph. But I've decided to share it because it's part of our family's story now and a new part of our journey. We went into adoption all those years ago knowing there are unknowns. In fact, for years I kept waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. I was more than fine with that. (If you're not, you probably shouldn't adopt, or have children in general, because you can't control for everything. Nor should you. God works through brokenness and situations that on the surface are less than perfect.) Because so much time passed without that happening though, I guess at some point I moved on and believed that there were no further issues to address at this time.

But there WERE issues. And yet I feel hopeful. Hopeful that we can give Biniam the tools to succeed, and especially hopeful that my relationship with him will improve, now that I can take a deep breath and see that he's not TRYING to be difficult. That there are REASONS he struggles with looking for stuff, or becomes distracted when I've asked him to do certain things. I also feel validated, that it wasn't just me, that the past couple of years HAVE been incredibly challenging. Parenting a kid with ADHD when you didn't know they had ADHD. Yeah, I can tell you from experience that it's not real fun. And it may or may not cause you to want to rip your hair out.

I've already instituted some small changes in our home that have made a big difference. When it's time to pick up toys for example, I have Biniam go work downstairs...away from the other kids...and have everyone else work upstairs. And he is extremely productive and does a great job, and generally does it in a timely fashion...Whereas before, I'd have them all working on the same area until it was clean, then move on to the next, and he'd wind up in trouble for becoming distracted and not getting anything done.

I'm sure I'll share more about all of this as time goes on, but for now, this is where we're at. I have a pile of books on children and ADHD on hold at the library that I'm waiting on and I have big plans to dig into rebuilding a healthy, positive relationship with my little boy. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Biniam is a survivor and a fighter. He will succeed. I have a feeling I have a lot to learn from him.

And at the end of the day, God is faithful. He also has a grand sense of humor. I am such a low-energy person, He knew I needed me some ADHD in my life. So, hello Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder. It's nice to meet you. You can hang out here, but you won't be defining my son, or getting in the way of his life. If you thought so, you obviously don't know his story or his past. Biniam beats the odds. And we're a family. Come what may.