Yep, another "travel story" installment

(I am bound and determined to finish sharing our travel story. Unfortunately with three kids I just don't have the time to blog very much!)

So where was I? Okay Friday we'd gone to the Hilton and AHOPE, and Saturday we had no plans. We hoped to find out about the birth mom that day and get to meet her.

After many unsuccessful attempts of trying to get ahold of the social worker at Layla House (who was supposedly working on it), Kevin called Gail (orphanage director), who didn't know what was going on and offered to find out herself. We ended up waiting around pretty much all day hoping to get word about either traveling to Nazret where the boys are from or the mother coming to Addis (which wouldn't come until the next morning, when we found out that due to some staff change--presumably at the government office in Nazret--the mother would be difficult to track down. Translated: someone dropped the ball and our hope of meeting the mother fell through the cracks. On her relinquishment paperwork she filled out, she had listed her whereabouts. AAI's drivers were spread thin that week, the social worker had had to go out of town for something, and I think we payed the price. In hindsight we would have fought harder to meet the mom. But supposedly they were working the details out. We're so devastated about it, but do hope to make contact through the agency. The frustrating thing is that on one of the days, Jemal made a trip to Nazret to pick up some more babies. Why couldn't we have just tagged along with him?)

We spent the day basically hanging around the guesthouse. During the boys' nap we were hungry for lunch, so Kevin went just down the driveway to a little Ethiopian restaurant called Merry Fam, to get some food "to go." He returned with something that looked quite unappetizing. It is called Tibbs, though I've heard it pronounced "Tepps." It is basically beef served on injera. This particular version of tibbs tasted pretty bad...so I think I just ended up eating a yogurt from the fridge.

Later that afternoon we spent a lot of time with the family and family friend that was also staying there and adopting Yerusalem and Messele. The dad taught us how to juggle, Messele showed off his breakdancing skills, and Kevin played some soccer with the kids. Below is a picture of Scott (family friend of the couple adopting Yerusalem and Messele) holding Biniam (they became fast friends), Messele breakdancing, and Yosef swaggering around.

That evening we all went to a fancy Italian restaurant called Arcobaleno. I got lasagna (which was really yummy!), Kevin got some different types of pasta, and we even ordered some Ethiopian beer! It's called Meta. It was pretty good, especially considering that neither of us likes beer very much.

As we were leaving the restaurant (about a ten minute walk from the guesthouse) there were cars and taxis lined up all the way down the street. The manager of the restaurant told us that there had been a car accident (which we saw as we passed by) and also that police had just randomly started searching vehicles, which was causing a big traffic jam. Good reminder of the political instability/governmental abuse of power in Ethiopia (which sadly, could be a post or entire blog of its own.)

First steps!!!

So Isaiah Biniam took his very first steps last night!!! Woohoo!!! His progressing development is SUCH an answer to prayer.

Wouldn't you know it that this occurred during the nightly Bob Marley dance party? AND wouldn't you know it that Mommy was the only one in the room who missed it?!

Kevin's mom and dad are here visiting (first time meeting their grandsons!), and we were all sitting around watching the kids get their groove on. Kevin's dad had JUST turned OFF his video camera, and I was looking in the other direction, when Binny took two steps all on his own! We got him to take some more though, so at least I got to see that.

Today I've seen him take a step as well. I think I have shared this before, but adoption is turning out to be a blessing in so many ways...in ways that are very different from giving birth to a healthy child. Anna has always been on target developmentally, and we've never had to worry about anything regarding her health or development. But with our sons, we obviously have our concerns. So to see Isaiah take his first steps is such an amazing, emotional, exciting time for us because of all that it means. What a reminder these boys are that God is in control, that God can make something better and turn things around. That is all too easy to forget when you give birth to a healthy child.

So we are praising God that our little guy is learning to walk all on his own! After a month and a half in our home they are gaining weight, progressing developmentally...the Lord is so, so good. It is extremely comforting to know that the boys are in His hands!

I'll give you three guesses...

...to figure out where Mommy keeps the snackfood!

Future shopper

I overheard Anna saying this the other day while I was spying on her.

(While looking at the pad of paper Mommy writes her shopping list on):

"Mommy's shopping list. Anna's shopping list: Breads. Butters. Eggs."

Man I love that kid!

Full weekend

--Last Thursday afternoon the kids and I headed down to Santa Barbara, picked up Kevin from work, and went over to his aunt's home (also in Santa Barbara) to spend the evening with his aunt and uncle, and his cousins and their families (who were visiting.) It was the first time any of them had met the boys. It was so fun to see the kids playing, etc. and WONDERFUL to see everyone again. Here is a picture of all the kiddos lined up on the couch--7 total! (Poor Anna wasn't so thrilled about being in the picture...From left to right: Isaiah, Katie, Megan, Zoe, Andrew, Ezra, and Anna! Oh and that's Kevin's cousin Steve in the back, trying to keep everyone on the couch.)

...And here is a picture of Ezra dancing with little Katie. So cute!

--Saturday some friends hosted a church baby shower for me. What a blessing!!! I was so moved by all of the special ladies that attended and I had a great time. (I left the kids at home with Daddy so it was nice to be able to just visit with people!) One of the highlights was that one of the ladies had prepared a special talk to give. (She used to co-lead the Young Marrieds group at our church when my husband and I were engaged.) Anyway, she has an adopted son from Ethiopia, and her talk was so wonderful and meant so much to me. She shared a really neat poem which I'll have to post sometime.

--Sunday the boys were dedicated to the Lord at church! Our family got to go up front (all five of us), the pastor prayed for the boys, had us commit to raising them up in the ways of the Lord, and had the church members commit to supporting us. There were three other babies being dedicated in addition to Yos and Bin. Grandma and Grandpa Perruzzi were in attendance, which was really special. I love this picture of Isaiah Biniam taken after the dedication in the church cry room. He is such a happy little guy!

Post-placement thoughts

Well we had our first post-placement visit on Friday morning with our social worker. (She did our homestudy back in August, and once a child is placed, you have to have three follow-up visits with her.) I was pretty nervous, wondering if anything would seem wrong or if there'd be some red flag with the boys' behavior or something (yes I'm paranoid.)

The social worker only stayed about an hour, asking various questions about their development, transition, etc. and then also observing them. Anyway she sent me a copy of her write-up, which included this near the end:

Isaiah and Ezra are thriving in their parents' care and seem to be
forming strong attachments to family members.

So the boys apparently seem to be emotionally healthy and doing well considering all they've been through. Yay! The fact that they are thriving is truly a testament to three things.

I often think about the love they must have received from their birth mother. According to some documents we have, they were about a month and half old when she took them to the government office to put them up for adoption. The first weeks and months are so crucial for a baby, and I don't know for sure, but I am betting this woman loved on her baby boys the whole time she had them, due to the fact that they never showed any signs of neglect or malnourishment whatsoever.

The second is the institutionalized care they received in Ethiopia. They spent the first year of their lives in institutions and yet somehow have managed to remain pretty psychologoically healthy. That is not to say that there won't be challenges along the way. There is definitely still "attachment work" to be done. But these boys are rambunctious, sweet, funny little guys that are able to let us know their needs, yet are able to be comforted by us, and who already show signs that they are attaching. I'd say that is good evidence of good care over the last year. They were definitely adored at Layla House; we couldn't go anywhere there without a worker or child coming up, going "Yosey, Binny!" giving them kisses, etc.

The boys' doing well is finally a testament to (and this is the most important thing!) God's profound love for them. He has been loving them, providing for them, keeping them in His care for the last year plus. I have to admit that I get really sad thinking about all the things I've missed out on with my sons already. I feel so sad that I wasn't always there for them. But God was there the whole entire time! Before I even knew we'd be adopting at all, God was watching over little Yosef and Biniam, meanwhile preparing Kevin and Anna and I to be their family. He protected them from harm, from disease. God knew them and loved them and knew the great plans He had for them (Jeremiah 29:11.) I praise God that those plans included us!

Just last night Kevin and I were reflecting on the things that make us long for Heaven, and about how we don't always think about that all that much. I said that the boys' story (and knowing that their are millions upon millions of stories like that) makes me look forward to the day when there is no more pain or suffering, when we are present with God. It is tragic to me that a young woman who lost her husband and who is HIV positive herself must give up her two precious sons because she knows she can't provide for them. I find it tragic that due to these circumstances my sons had to leave their culture and country, and that they will never know the woman who gave them life. BUT, what an amazing promise that God will turn our mourning into dancing, and that He will work all for the good of those who trust Him.

So I praise God that our sons seem to be doing well in their new environment. I praise Him that even when our boys had no mommy or daddy, they had a loving Father who was caring for them and loving them and who would eventually bring them to us. I'm thankful that even though my sons have experienced more loss already in their little lives than I am sure I ever will, that God will work out His plans and do something truly beautiful with their lives. He knows their loss, their hurts, their pain. My hope for our sons is that they will come to fully rest in God's peace and sovereignty, and have great confidence that God knows the plans He has for them, to give them a hope and a future (Jermemiah 29:11).

Finally, I've always loved Psalm 139.

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in
your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had
passed."

That chapter of the Bible has taken on such new meaning for me now. It makes me so excited to think that I get to be part of God's plans for Ezra Yosef and Isaiah Biniam!

Proud mama!

That's what I am right now, because just minutes ago, Biniam stood up on his own, without holding onto something, for the very first time!!!

I am seriously beside myself! This poor little guy has had such a tough go of it, is developmentally behind, and this is a huge accomplishment and milestone! Hopefully he'll be taking his first steps soon!

It was just the cutest thing. He has been attempting this maneuver for some time, but hadn't done it yet. Then all of a sudden, we're standing there in the kitchen, I look over and he does it! He got this gigantic grin on his face, I got all excited praising him and clapping, he started laughing really hard and sat down. He kept doing it, laughing too hard to stay standing, and sitting down. He was fully putting on a show and was loving every minute of it. I could tell that he loved making me so happy.

Life is good.

One of my favorite liberals

No, this is not a political post per se. I just happened to stumble across this sweet speech made by Barack Obama regarding television and kids. Barack is a Democratic Senator from Illinois and ever since I saw him on Oprah once (yes I admit I'm a big fan of Oprah) I can't help but like the guy! Anyway good food for thought, and I commend Senator Obama for taking a stand on this important issue!

As for us Heldts, we don't turn the TV on much; in fact our antennae (that only pulls in 3 channels anyway) has been broken for months and we haven't fixed it yet! So much of TV is yucky, and it's a great way to waste a lot of time. Lately we've been doing a lot of reading after the kids go to bed. I'm reading Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" for the very first time (it's awesome!) and Kevin's reading C.S. Lewis' "Weight of Glory" (for probably the tenth time!)

Any good books anyone's read lately???

Doctor's visit

I took the boys for their follow-up doctor's visit yesterday. The good news? In just a month, Yosef has gained two pounds, and Bin has gained one and a half pounds! Yay!

The bad news? Everything else! For starters, I think due to the two seperate (unsuccessful) blood-drawing attempts at the lab, Yosef is TERRIFIED of the doctor, nurses, etc. He REFUSED to be weighed, so they fully took us out into the hall, weighed ME holding him (yeah that's right, I got weighed at the pediatrician's office!), then weighed me not holding him, and did the math. Between when the medical assistant left and when the doctor came in I was somehow able to get him calmed down, but once the doctor entered the room he started screaming again at the top of his lungs, clinging to and climbing up my shirt, etc.

I could barely hear myself think but somehow managed to request an order for more stool samples (to verify whether they still have giardia or not, which I am inclined to think they do, even after one round on the flagyl), point out the fungus on Bin's cheek (got a prescription for some sort of cream), and ask what on earth to do about Yos' bloodwork (wait two months until he's older, presumably when his veins are easier to get. I'm not comfortable waiting that long so I think I'll call back about that.)

Due to Yosef's screaming, I completely forgot to ask about what the doctor thinks about circumcision (they don't typically circumcise boys in Ethiopia, I've heard horror stories on both sides of that debate, so I wanted the doc's opinion), and to question him further on the bloodwork, and on Yosef's scalp fungus (doc says he'll have to go on orals for that, but there's a risk of liver damage or something. Basically I wanted more information.)

I feel like this is just not working. I feel like the doctor is not attentive enough or proactive enough with the boys, and I feel totally clueless not being a doctor/nurse myself. I think I either need to do a lot of online research and go in there prepared to run the show, or find a different doctor on our plan (the joys of an HMO...)

So that was the doctor's. Anna stayed with Grandma and napped and watched a Baby Einstein video. Lucky kid!

And even though it doesn't go with this post, I thought I'd share a picture of the kids on a lazy Saturday morning a couple of weeks ago, nice and cozy in Mom and Dad's bed!

Good friends, good times

Just wanted to post about the shower my dear friends Lara and Becky threw for us and the boys a couple of weeks ago. It was so much fun, the boys (and Anna!) scored some great things, and it was a neat way for people to meet the boys who hadn't yet.

We are always reminded at these sorts of events how blessed we are by the friends we have made. The love and support we feel from these people is pretty great. One of the highlights was the gift we received from our friends Andy and Jeannett. I was shocked to unwrap the gift and find that she had scrapbooked our entire adoption trip!!! Unbeknownst to me, she had gotten the CD with the digital pics from Kevin, had prints made and did the book. It is so amazing, I am not a scrapbooker and I feel so blessed to have such a special, special time in our lives preserved in such a special way.

Another cool thing was that Darin and Lara made up a quiz for people to take all based on things in our blog! Stuff like what was the first thing we bought for the boys, their birthday, and even a bonus question for Kevin and Troy asking them for the square root of the population of Ethiopia (they're engineers, what can I say?) Pretty awesome! We had fun hearing peoples' answers. Becky baked a great cake and decorated it in jungle theme, with the Nile running through it and little lions on it. Too cute!

I also got to meet Stacey, a frequent "commenter" on here who lives in this area and who is adopting a baby boy from our agency! I was so happy she was able to make it.

Here are some pictures from the event. We Heldts all wore our traditional Ethiopian clothing in honor of the occasion. Have I mentioned that we are quite proud our sons are from Ethiopia?!

A day at the grocery store

So today I did something for the very first time: I braved the grocery store with the three kids, all by myself. I think it is safe to say this was not only the first time, but also the last time.

At 11:30 I loaded up all three kids and set off for Albertsons. I normally go to FoodMaxx because I'm a cheapskate, but I figured I better go somewhere that doesn't make me bag my own groceries.

We arrived and I left the kids in the car while I ran up to the store to grab a shopping cart (Albertsons does a far too efficient job moving the carts back inside; there weren't any already in the lot!) Got the cart and headed back to the car. Unloaded Ezra, stuck him in the back of the cart, stuck Anna in the front of the cart, and strapped Isaiah into the trusty Baby Bjorn, which I would be lost without.

To be honest I was kind of excited about shopping today. I'm getting back into the swing of cooking and had planned out some different meals to make, so I was looking forward to buying all the ingredients. I had a big long list.

First stop was the deli and the bread section. Easy enough. Then produce. About three minutes went by before Ezra ripped open the bag of Romaine lettuce hearts. Okay, easy enough to fix, I just put it in one of the plastic bags they have there. Then I discovered he was squishing the hotdog buns. Moved them to the "underneath" part of the cart (I swear a mother must have invented that!) Not much longer and Anna wanted to sit in the back. Okay, whatever keeps them happy, so I moved her to the back and Ezra to the front.

Not too much later I looked down to discover her happily chomping away on the celery I was buying to make macaroni salad. Okay, better put that underneath the cart too...

And so went the rest of the trip. Before we'd left, Anna stuck her mouth all over the tomatoes I bought, the hotdogs, took a bite out of an avocado's skin, and tried to take a bite of garlic. Fortunately only one item got thrown out of the cart the entire time, and that was the garlic, by Ezra.

I FINALLY have everything I need and get in the ONE line that was open--the line was huge; why do they only have one line open??? Well someone finally opens another line, and the girl in front of me goes in it, and I follow her because we were in the back of the other line. As the girl starts loading her groceries onto the belt, the checker lady VERY loudly and rudely says to me, "She's on WIC; it'll take a long time." Now for the record, I don't think there's anything to be ashamed about to be using WIC; in fact, I think it's a good program. But was it this lady's business to announce to the whole store or even just to me that this woman was on public assistance? I would have been ticked!

Anyway, I just said that was fine, because since I'd gotten in this new line, the other line had gotten even longer and I'd lost my place in it. Plus, I really don't mind the wait. So I'm waiting and then the checker again looks at me and says in an even ruder voice than before, "You know, this is really going to be awhile." Sheesh! So I proceed to ask, "Even longer than waiting in that huge line?" and she rudely answers, "Yeah!" Um okay, so I switch BACK to the long line.

Another employee comes up to me (I think she must have seen me get worked by the checker) and says really sweetly, "I'll go see if someone can open another line." Which they did! Thank goodness!

As I was unloading my things onto the belt the college-aged bag boy fully started helping me unload the plethora of groceries residing on the "underneath" part, basically everything I had had to keep away from the kids. Then the lady checking my groceries offered to just have them bagged and put in a seperate cart, and the bag boy would help me out to my car. How embarrassing is that? Don't just little old ladies do that sort of thing? But how can I refuse, I mean it would have been a pain otherwise. I just hadn't realized how many groceries I was buying.

Now I have to tell you that I was extra embarrassed because this would mean that he would have to see the car I drive. Let it be known that I did not bring this car into the marriage, my husband did. My contribution was a 1988 Toyota Corolla. His? A 1988 Lincoln Towncar.

That's right. I drive a HUGE, OLD car. (So huge in fact that I am not always so good at driving it and sideswiped a car in Pismo Beach once.) It is just a fact of life that the Heldts drive old, ghetto cars, and you would think I'd be used to it by now. Sadly, I am not. Every time I have to take that beast out in public my pride takes a hit.

So we walk to the car and I say "Thanks so much," hoping he'll just leave the cart of groceries and think that the white suburban parked next to me is mine. No such luck. "Oh, I'll load it for you." Shoot!!! So I unlocked the doors, tried to keep my head high, and loaded up the kids, while he was somehow able to fit all the groceries into the trunk, even with the stroller and other assorted junk back there. I thanked him, climbed into the car, and hastily headed home.

Needless to say I will not be venturing out on grocery shopping trips alone with the kids anymore...but at least I can say life isn't boring!

My Master Plan

1. Post only 3 times.
2. Lie in wait while my wife, with her warmth, candor, wisdom and delightful prose, attracts a devoted cyberspace following by sharing what God is doing in our lives.
3. Suddenly resurface to exploit the faithful readers who are now a captive audience and will no doubt give me at least one hearing before forever ignoring anything that has my name attached to it.

Yes, my master plan is now complete. (You can almost hear the maniacal cackling, can't you?) Now if I can just think of something worthwhile to say...

Hello all. I just wanted to "break the silence" and earn a little bit of my place on that contributors list off to the right. And in all seriousness, thanks to all of you who have been following along with us and who have offered such kind words of support. This blog has been a neat thing for us. It has been a neat thing for me. As Brianna has written about our adoption process, as she has shared her thoughts and her heart, I've learned more about the woman I love. (Back in my post on 7/28/05, you know, one of the three, I said that "I'll probably have some blubbery, sensitive moments where you'll all pity me and stuff" so you can't say I didn't warn you!) Not that we haven't already talked about all these things she has written, but there is something about seeing it all written down, seeing her voice and heart come through, and seeing how people have responded. In short, I'm married to one awesome woman! This has been such a great year for us, and it's so awesome to know that all these heretofore strangers have checked in along with our family and friends to share in our blessings as God just continues to heap them upon us.

I feel so honored that God has brought to me these four amazing people (their names are written at the top of the blog if you've lost track of who I'm talking about -- I don't want anyone lost and confused -- not on my watch!) and given me the privilege of calling them my family. My family rocks! I think it's pretty awesome that I have the rest of my life to get to know them better and to see where God takes us. The last couple months have been quite the rollercoaster, but it has been such a good one (like Goliath or Riddler's Revenge, not like Psyclone -- sorry to you non-CA folks for the discriminative analogy -- yes, I did just find the word discriminative on thesaurus.com). God keeps teaching and challenging us. I feel like I personally maybe "tune in" once every couple of days but even with such a paltry focusedness to work with, He still has gotten through and taught me some things. I have two mini-reminders/lessons in mind that I think I will share in a blog soon. My kids are so great (does this paragraph have a theme by the way? a consistent train of thought? no? okay) -- I don't get to see them nearly enough during the week (I commute so I'm gone from 5:30 'til 6) but boy, do I enjoy the time I do see them. Their simple happiness is so infectious -- I love it! And the "dancing with Bob" is seriously priceless.

Well, I think that will just about do it for now. Let's review what you've learned: I do, indeed, still exist; I love my wife and my children; the parentheses and hyphen keys on my keyboard seem to be stuck in such a way that they show up inordinately more often than they ought in my writing. Okay, great, you all pass. Come again real soon. Bye.

Afternoon at AHOPE--travel story continued

AHOPE stands for "African HIV Orphans: Project Embrace" and is an orphanage caring for orphans with HIV/AIDS, located in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. It was founded in part by our adoption agency, AAI. They were receiving so many children to care for with HIV that they needed a place for them. While AHOPE used to essentially be a hospice, now that antiretroviral drugs are allowed into Ethiopia, these kids are being treated and they will now be able to live much longer lives! And some children are being adopted!

We sponsor two sisters at AHOPE, Eden and Addisalem, aged 4 and 9 respectively. Their mother passed away last April and they were living on their own in a shanty until a neighbor took them to a government office to get help for them. They were eventually referred to AHOPE. Both girls are HIV positive, and poor little Eden is already on the ARV drugs (you only go on them once your disease has progressed to a certain point.)

We've been receiving updates on these precious girls for months, praying for them and looking forward to meeting them when we traveled to Ethiopia. So we arranged ahead of time to spend some time at AHOPE and to throw all the kids an ice cream party!

Two AHOPE workers picked us up at the guesthouse Friday afternoon, and off we went. There are two AHOPE facilities; one houses older children and one houses the younger children. We stopped at the first facility and the van was mobbed with loud, excited children! They all piled in with us chattering and looking at the boys. My first impression was that kids are kids, no matter where you go, what their circumstances are, etc.!

My second impression was, oh my goodness, these poor kids have HIV and many of them are very, very ill. I don't know how much you know about HIV, but when an HIV positive person's immunity drops, they get lesions on their face that look like warts. One precious boy's entire face was covered with them...my heart went out to him and all these other kids, who are not only fighting for their lives, but they are without parents or family.

As I recall, I was thinking a LOT about this as we drove to the other facility. We met Sidisse, a wonderful woman who runs the orphanage. She gave us a great tour of all the rooms, explained the childrens' medicine, etc. The current AHOPE facility is actually our adoption agency's former facility.

We were then introduced to Eden and Addisalem. And I proceeded to feel like someone had punched me in the stomach. There stood the two most somber, sad, depressed children I'd ever met. They just stood there holding hands and I just stood there wanting to cry. I felt ashamed. I had been so looking forward to meeting them, I'd spent months praying for them and thinking of them and not once did I ever realize the cold reality or depth of sadness of their situation. Do we ever really stop to think, what must their life really be like? What is beyond the smile in the little picture they send? What is it like to lose your mother to AIDS, to feel sick half the time, to live in an orphanage with very little hope of being adopted and of ever having a family? The hopelessness and loneliness must be overwhelming. At least, it seemed to be for these two girls.

(On a side note, we can get to feeling pretty good about the things we do to help others. We send in our little checks to World Vision or Compassion or the Red Cross or to AHOPE and think, okay, we're making a difference, we're doing something good, and it makes us feel good...but then when reality smacks you in the face you realize, This is a child's life. This doesn't make me feel good anymore.)

Neither of the girls spoke English, and they seemed so shy, so we really didn't spend much time with them, one-on-one. Sidisse and the other workers herded all the kids into a large room and got them to sit down, and then had us go in. All the kids stood up (to show respect I guess) as we entered the room. When Sidisse told us they were standing for us we told them to sit down! I felt so unworthy to have these precious children doing that for us.

They decided to sing some songs for us. They sang "Father Abraham" (first in English, then Amharic), and I began to tear up when they started singing "This is the Day that the Lord Has Made." The line that says, "I will rejoice and be glad in it" really got me. Here these kids just have the most tragic of circumstances, and here they sit clapping their hands loudly and singing of how they were glad...it put my own little life into perspective I guess.

After awhile the staff handed out the ice cream. Sidisse thanked us and said that we had made the kids happy and given them something to be excited about. Again I felt horrible being thanked for the paltry gift we'd given them. At the end, Kevin asked if he could pray for the children. Sidisse translated his prayer, and the children would say "amen" after each phrase. Precious.

We all headed back outside, where we pulled Eden and Addisalem aside to give them the gifts we'd brought for them. Nothing exciting, just some girly necklaces and bracelets we'd bought for them. But it was the only time I saw the girls smile the entire afternoon. Little Eden's face lit up as she put on her bracelet and necklace. Initially I'd thought, okay, we'll get them these things to remember us by. But now I just hoped it made them feel beautiful. They are such precious girls. I wonder if they know how special and beautiful they are--I doubt they do.

While we were there Sidisse told me the children at AHOPE oftentimes feel very hopeless and like they have very little self-worth. She said they look in the mirror and only see the bumps on their faces and how sick they are. She said it's hard for them when someone does get adopted--they feel so sad that no one has adopted them.

It was interesting observing the different children. Some seemed pretty well adjusted and happy, some seemed starved for love (they are so well-cared for at AHOPE, yet that is not a replacement for a family), and some just seemed depressed. We got to see the babies as well...a whole nursery full of young toddlers/babies with HIV. They were precious.

When we finally left and got back to the guesthouse neither of us knew what to say about the day we'd had. How do you put those things into words? Even now writing about it I think I'm all over the place and probably not explaining things the way I'd like to--I think I'm still trying to figure out what my thoughts even are.

I just have all these questions...like where does God fit into all of this? Jesus loves these children...He is there with them looking out for them and for some reason has allowed them to live a life harder than you or I will most likely ever live. How do I translate my feelings of sadness over these kids to feelings of hope? Where do we see the hope in this situation? And what is the answer?????

For starters I need to pray a whole lot more! I need to pray that God will comfort these children and prepare families to adopt them. It can be done; HIV is not the death sentence it once was, and HIV-positive or not, these kids are "precious in His sight," just like the song says.

Lord willing, we plan to continue adopting children throughout our lives. There will always be kids that need families and we are committed to doing what we can to meet that need. I've spent twenty-something years looking only to my own needs (or the needs of people I like), and I am already seeing the change God is bringing in my life through doing something that forces me out of my comfort zone and that leaves me little time to worry about "me."

We'd also like to somehow advocate more for these children and for adoption as well. We are praying about how to do that (as I have no real clue.) I think that orphans, whether they are ill or not, will always struggle with immense hopelessness and loneliness. Children need families. That family could be you! If you are not at that place, please consider donating time/money/whatever to help an orphanage, relief organization, homeless shelter, etc.

AHOPE would like to be able to take in more children, but are hindered only by finances. PLEASE consider sponsoring a child or two, or giving a gift, or something. I have more information if you'd like, or you can go to the AHOPE website to find out more.

Seeing things that are difficult to see has caused me to cling to Christ and His promises all the more. There are things in this world that are hard to look at and discouraging to see. Praise the Lord that He is the God of the oppressed, and of the poor, and of the orphan. I am so glad we can cry out to Him and ask tough questions and that He listens and cares. I'm glad that the beggars and orphans are not alone. I am glad that my joy comes from Christ and from nothing else...because if it did, I'd be pretty bummed! We have the amazing ability to be able to mourn and grieve over such tragedy, and yet still have a joyful spirit.

If you are still reading this, I am sorry for the long-windedness. My heart broke for these children and their situation, and they need our help. I could not have blogged about this day without sharing the feelings we were having.

I'm sorry if this post seemed depressing. Even though I grieve over the childrens' situation, I know there is hope and joy in the fact that God watches over them, and there is great hope in the fact that you and I are a major part of God's plan to help these people.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm on a "soapbox." Meeting Eden and Addisalem, visiting their orphanage, opened my eyes to what is a daily reality for many, many people. It was a glimpse into something that we rarely get a glimpse of in middle-class America. It brought some things into perspective and I feel that if I don't share those things, then who will? You go to the Christian bookstore, and there are thousands of what are essentially "self-help" books on how to live the Christian life. I think we (in our happy, comfortable Christian culture) look for the answers there all too often...And then very rarely we get some sort of glimpse into the things God sees every day, and realize, it is a lot simpler than we thought in terms of what's important, what God wants from us, what matters to Him. While it was uncomfortable feeling so helpless and having to see some things I saw, I'm glad for it. And so now I try to put the pieces together and figure out what I walked away with and what that means for the future. (If it means I'm on a soapbox or something, well, I suppose there are probably worse soapboxes to be on!)

God bless meatloaf

So last night, we had meatloaf for dinner (incidentally one of Anna's favorite foods.) At the end of the meal, as I was dishing up the last of the meatloaf for her, Anna suddenly burst into song: "Meatloaf, meatloaf, little star..."

(I don't know the last time we laughed so hard! Anna learned "Twinkle Twinkle" not too long ago, and apparently decided to come up with her own version.)

Later that evening, we were tucking Anna into bed. It is such a precious part of the day. Lately her favorite thing is to bless people she knows. She will lay there each night, saying, "God bless Grandma, God bless Daddy," etc. It is so cute! So last night she said, "God bless Jeannette, God bless Andy...", and then paused...until finally, "God bless meatloaf."

What can I say? The kid likes meatloaf.

Lively up yourself

Bob Marley CD: $13.99

Watching your kids dance around like maniacs: priceless.

So some families read stories to their kids before bedtime. Not us, though. The Heldts dance to Bob Marley.

I know, we are so weird! But I was at Target one day hoping to pick up some African music for our family. Naturally Target does not have a huge selection of this sort of thing, but they DID have Bob Marley's Greatest Hits, so I bought it. Jemal, our friend we made in Ethiopia (he is a driver for our agency), was listening to it while we were there, so I figured if nothing else, it'd remind us of our trip.

So at one point we put it on for the kids. And the funniest thing happened: instantaneously, they all started dancing! It was like they couldn't help it! Ezra's whole face will light up, grinning, as he claps ferociously and sways back and forth. Isaiah (in his "I'm too cool to look too interested" way) will sit there moving his head back and forth. Anna even gets in on it and her personal favorite "move" is spinning, in addition to jumping up and down. She also likes to sing, so she will go around the house singing, "Jamming! Jamming!" and occasionally "No woman, no cry."

And that is how this has become a Heldt Family Tradition. Every single night after dinner, when we've cleaned up and lotion and pj's are on, we all congregate in the family room and turn on the Bob...and watch the kids dance around like crazy. Kevin and I do our fair share of jammin' too, but not for long...we're too busy laughing at the kids!