A marriage examined: Part III

Part I
Part II

When preparing for marriage, Kevin and I talked about that four-letter-word among newlyweds: kids. Neither of us thought it was a good idea to get married if you weren't wanting to have kids, or if you couldn't joyfully accept a child God might give you. Let's face it, everyone knows how children are conceived and there's nothing worse than married people who are actually MAD that they're having a baby.

Still I decided to go on the pill. I had about a year and a half left of college (that would be put on hold since we were moving), and ultimately, you weren't supposed to have kids until you'd been married a good long time.

I remember going to the Cal Poly health center a couple of months before our wedding and getting a prescription for birth control. Simple, right?

Well, apparently putting synthetic hormones into your body can have side effects. Nasty ones. Like splitting headaches, horrible bloating (I seriously LOOKED pregnant), fatigue, and worst of all, emotional issues. I tend to be a pretty calm, level-headed person. I rarely cry. But the pill made me crazy. Things that shouldn't have been a huge deal made me sob, or made me angry. I would have meltdowns. It was awful.

But I continued taking the stupid little pills, hoping and hoping that as time passed, the side effects would go away. About a month and a half after our wedding though, I reached a point where I told Kevin I'd rather be a sane, happy mom than a crazy person with a college degree. He totally agreed--in fact, he'd been encouraging me to stop taking the pill for quite some time.

Awhile after I stopped, some friends shared with us some disturbing things about hormonal birth control. I felt frustrated that no one had told us this before. Turns out it's controversial in Christian circles, and if I'd just read the little package insert and given it a few minutes of thought, I would have seen why. From that point on I knew I could never go that route again, not to mention the fact that various studies link hormonal contraception to significantly higher rates of breast cancer. Lovely.

So we just decided to use the ol' calendar method for our family planning and to trust God with the details. Many months later, I enrolled in college again because we were moving back to the SLO area. Every month I got my period, I felt sad--SAD--that I wasn't pregnant. Both of us looked forward to having kids, I guess we just thought we weren't allowed.

That first week back at school, I was exhausted. Hmmmm, school must take more energy than I remembered, I thought. I'd come home in the afternoons completely famished. Needing to eat. Why am I so hungry? Did school used to make me this hungry? Finally one day it occurred to me that I was late. And on our one-year wedding anniversary, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Two people had never been more thrilled!!! It's a beautiful thing when God makes a decision FOR you, when His will is right out there in front of you and you know precisely what He's wanting for your life. No guesswork, no turning back. I made the decision to drop out of college (not enough time to finish my degree before the baby came), and I can honestly say that I've never felt as free as I did walking away from campus.

God giving us Anna when He did remains one of the best things that ever happened to us. He blew all of our preconceived notions out of the water. He humbled us and blessed us beyond measure. Somewhere amidst the sleepless nights and spit-up I praised the Lord and felt that this was what our lives would be about. This was how God would shape and change me. This was how I would serve the Lord and how our marriage was meant to be. It wasn't too long before we both came to the conviction that children ARE truly gifts from God, that they CAN actually make your marriage BETTER as opposed to worse...and that sterilization was off the table for both of us. A scary proposition for two people in their early 20s!

I remember in some of our discussions about it, feeling unsure. We didn't fit with some of the groups (typically Protestant Christians) who spoke out against contraception and I found some of their arguments to be a little off. (It would actually be years before we felt like we came to any sort of cohesive beliefs on this or on sexuality in general, and interestingly they came from a most unexpected place, Pope John Paul II and the Roman Catholic church. More on that in a later post.)

When Anna was six months old, I got pregnant again. Several weeks later, I miscarried. Ugh. One of the WORST nights of my life. The physical pain was excruciating, not to mention the emotional pain that comes from knowing your baby has died, and it's all ending in this horrible messy tragedy. My doctor had suspected that it was a twin pregnancy based on the ultrasound, and judging by the miscarriage, I think he was probably right.

Grieving the loss of our baby (or babies I guess), we also desperately wanted to conceive again. It wouldn't happen. Everyone I knew was pregnant, but not me. I never felt angry or jealous per se, just frustrated that it wouldn't happen for us. FYI, secondary infertility is a nightmare. Every month you get your hopes up, then they come crashing back down, and you start wondering what's wrong with you, if your firstborn was a fluke and if they'll never have a sibling.

God taught me something during those times though, something that no one had EVER taught me before. I didn't hear it at church, or from friends, or read it in books. The Christian people I knew didn't talk about it, so it was something I'd never considered. And it was this: fertility is a gift. My fertility is a gift. My ability and Kevin's ability to, in cooperation with God, bring forth a precious new life made in the image of God, is profoundly beautiful.

It would be twenty long months before I would get pregnant again. I don't look back on the struggle to conceive with much fondness, because it was hard in a lot of ways. But I DO believe God used it to show me something that I would have been too stubborn to embrace otherwise, even though it meant I would suffer.

And I believe there was yet another reason God prevented us from conceiving--two reasons, really. It would come to be the next big step in our journey together...

Just us Heldts on a Saturday

Thanks to blogging (and email), I have some really wonderful friends out there who I've never met, but would love to.

Because we can't hang out in "real life", here are some things you might find if you dropped by on a Saturday morning:

Cartoons. The big kids usually designate Kaitlyn to come ask if they can turn them on (even though she's not in this picture.) Sometimes we say yes, and sometimes we say no.

Playtime. Lots and lots and lots of playtime. During which Mary is often a part. She likes the crazy.

Bleary-eyed parents. Who stayed up way too late the night before watching Waiting for Guffman. (FYI, 5-year-old boys like taking pictures, and they don't mind if their subjects are still in their pjs. Said subjects don't mind either, because really, pjs are the best.)

Sadly the only picture I have of Kaitlyn from this past Saturday morning was of her sitting on the toilet. (Thus not with the other kids watching cartoons.) I won't be sharing that one. But she was pretty cute! :)

Oh good grief

Last night I was interrupted during dinner by a phone call from the Psychology Department at the university I attended, Cal Poly SLO. I get one of these calls once a year, pretty much. I've even posted about it before. And last night, it went something like this:

(Picture her speaking in a really ditzy, teeny-bopper voice)

"So are you, like, currently working in the field of psychology?"

"No, I'm a mom. I have kids." (Five actually, but who's counting?)

"Oh! Um, okay! A stay at home mom." (Wow, thanks for the validation...) "Well, have you EVER worked in the Psychology field?"

"No." (Not unless you count parenting FIVE CHILDREN day in and day out, including two who came home with some trauma issues. But whatever.)

"Ummm, okaaaaaay. So have you been back to visit Cal Poly since you graduated?"

"No." (Didn't have the heart to break the news that I didn't, in fact, actually graduate...that sometimes God has other plans that far surpass your own. I also refrained from asking her if it's NORMAL to go lurking around your alma mater when you're in your late 20s. Because at best that seems desperate, and at worst, creepy.)

"Okay, well, like, I wanted to invite you to Open House this year. Do you think you can come?"

"No." (Really? She knows I live in Colorado. What on EARTH would I be doing at Open House?)

"Um, um, okay. So like here's the other reason for my call." (Riggggghht. NOW we get to the REAL reason this college student, who by this time I'm certain MUST be either a cheerleader or in a sorority of some sort, possibly both, is calling me.) "Things have been, like, really hard with the budget cuts. Things have been, like, so hard this year. Like getting classes, and stuff with education, and, like the cuts..."

At this point she droned on and on (making less and less sense, but I patiently sat and let her finish.) FINALLy she stopped and awkwardly asked, "Um, like, so can you make a donation?"

"No thank you." (Sorry, our charitable giving is generally reserved for relief organizations, the kids we sponsor in Ethiopia and Uganda, our church, and the girl scouts when it's cookie time. I ALMOST asked if she'd caught the news lately or heard of a place called Haiti, and whether she REALLY thought things had been so hard for her at college, but of course I didn't.)

"Well, if you enjoyed your time at Cal Poly at all, you really should consider making a donation." (Hmmm, not really a fan of school. At all. I went to college to get a work permit, but ended up scoring a husband instead. The Psychology program was good and I did well, but I have zero CP green and gold mustang pride. Sorry folks.)

"No thank you."

"Okay. GoodBYE."

So yeah, she was rude on top of it all. Unable to hide her bitterness that I didn't shell out some money for the suffering college students in San Luis Obispo, CA. I was polite, but I sure couldn't match her enthusiasm. (Must have been the Red Bull or something.)

The thing is, I DO have some fond memories of the PSY department. I had some great professors and all that. But I REFUSE to be guilted into donating, and so long as they have these sorority sisters calling me and acting like I owe the university something, I won't be. Not saying it's not a worthy cause, but REALLY. The way she was talking you'd have thought she was trying to raise money for St. Jude's.

Hate to be snarky, but it is what it is.

Except that, like, maybe it's a little fun sometimes.

Just my day

I love my quiet days at home.

Today we had our daily Bible/prayer time over breakfast, Anna worked on some word problems, and then she read about birds and trees. Love homeschooling. Love, love, love it!

As for me I've been doing housework mostly. (In addition to spending too much time reading blogs and emailing.) I currently have a sweet little 3-month-old smiling up at me. After I finish posting here I'm off to finish mopping and then I'll clean the bathrooms. I even have a meal planned for tonight, chili in the slow cooker. (Is it a slow cooker or crockpot? I'm never sure what to call it.) This is really something because I've been getting over a sinus infection (thank you Amoxicillin) so the cooking around here has been a bit sparse lately. And yes I know all of YOU probably have really great dinners EVERY night, but these days it's quite an accomplishment around here! Let's just say I'm lucky that a certain 5-almost-6 year old around here loves making quesadillas.

Our community group that we host/lead meets tonight, and my friend is bringing cookies, so I don't have to bake. Not that I don't LIKE baking, and Anna usually helps me, but I have enough to do today to keep me busy. I'd hoped to get some more headway made in my Bible reading but sadly that has not happened yet. I am woefully behind, but I am DETERMINED to catch up.

And with that, I really need to finish my housework. Happy Wednesday!

Prayer

I think prayer is really interesting. The idea that we can somehow play a role in the mysterious plans of God is...crazy and amazing all at once.

One of my favorite books on prayer is by CS Lewis, Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer. LOVE it.

A few months ago I felt convicted to begin praying boldly for something: for two children we know of (who have some medical needs) to find a family. I don't usually do that--I guess I mostly just pray for things like my kids to have a good day, or to feel better, or for me to have more patience etc. But this had been weighing on my heart, so we pray daily for it.

This morning with no prompting, Anna, Yosef, Biniam and Kaitlyn each prayed for these children. In their minds, nothing--NOTHING--is too big for God. Praying that orphans find a home is no different than praying we'll have a good day, or that Mary will get over her cold.

I really want that kind of faith. I keep reminding myself that although I'm not certain what God's answer to our prayers is yet, He is working. Meanwhile our faith is being built and strengthened, and that's always a good thing.

Is there anything that you pray about that feels just-too-huge?

For me, prayer means launching out of the heart toward God; a cry of grateful love from the crest of joy or the trough of despair; it is a vast, supernatural force that opens out my heart, and binds me close to Jesus.

--Saint Therese of Lisieux

Lunch duty love

Today I had lunch duty at Anna's homeschool-school-thingy.

Which means that for the past WEEK, she and the boys and Kaitlyn have been SO EXCITED.

I love that my independent five year old daughter WANTS me at her school helping. Not only that, she wants her siblings there too. When we showed up, I instructed Kaitlyn, Yosef and Biniam to sit and eat their own lunch in an out of the way spot. Anna came rushing over, saying "No! Come sit by ME! I want them to sit with me!" Soooo sweet. Then when they were done eating and having recess on the playground, Anna was looking out for Kaitlyn. Priceless.

I'll definitely try to remember all of this the next time I feel overwhelmed by the tattling and assorted spats--which could very well be tomorrow. :)

Now it's time to put some pjs on and settle on the couch with a book. (Sadly I'm behind on my "Bible in 90 Days" goal, but I can catch up...right?!) I'm exhausted, Mary's sleeping, Kevin's tucking the big kids into bed (after leading them in a rousing rendition of "Father I Adore You"), and the kitchen is clean. Another Monday has come and gone!

The little ones

These girls melt my heart.

Kaitlyn and Mary.

Mary and Kaitlyn.

Sisters.

Friends.

Tent city

In warm weather, my kids play outside all day long. When it's cold, they're usually indoors, and come up with all sorts of creative games and activities.

They LOVE getting out their bedspreads and pillows and making forts in the playroom. (I'm not sure where Anna was this particular day, it's possible she wasn't up yet. Usually she's the activities director of the group.)

I love that my kids can come up with things to do on a cold snowy day. Come rain or shine, they have a blast!

Baptism

My friend Joanie asked me yesterday about our decision to baptize our children. (I don't come from a church background that does this, although Kevin does.) I'm not a theologian but I'll explain our reasoning. :)

First I should tell you that we've been on an interesting spiritual journey over the past few years, or at least it feels that way. I've come to further examine certain beliefs I always just took for granted. At some point along the way I wanted to understand why there is a division among believers over baptism, and discovered that the majority of Christians around the world baptize infants and children (Roman Catholics, Eastern and Oriental Orthodox, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Anglicans, Methodists, etc. These groups do however disagree on the details of infant baptism, what it is etc.) In the Bible, entire households were baptized. After doing some reading and praying and looking at both sides I came to believe that baptism is a sacrament that God uses to impart His grace to believers. It's commanded by God and is the sign of the new covenant (the old being circumcision, which was of course for infant boys.) I think it's more than a mere symbol. And it's about God doing a work in us, not us doing something for God.

Up until we moved to Denver, we attended a nondenominational church that didn't baptize babies or small children, thus our kids were not baptized. When we moved we wanted to join a liturgical church that, among other things, held to this historical Christian view on baptism, and landed at a Presbyterian church downtown (which has since changed denominations and is now part of the Reformed Church of America.)

So in November all five of our kids received the sacrament of baptism. It was precious. They were all so excited. Except for Mary, who slept through the whole thing. :) Our senior pastor ended up going out of town at the last minute so our friend Ben, one of the associate pastors, did the honors. We were so incredibly blessed to have Kevin's cousins Steve and Tanya with us that morning.

A book that I have really loved (I've mentioned it before) is Evangelical is Not Enough: Worship of God Through Liturgy and Sacrament, by Thomas Howard (who happens to be Elisabeth Elliott's brother.) He grew up in evangelicalism and eventually came to join the Roman Catholic church. Even if you don't agree with his end conclusion, it's a great read and a beautiful introduction to the sacraments and liturgy.

I also read a couple of short booklets, What Christian Parents Should Know About Infant Baptism by John P. Sartelle and Why Do We Baptize Infants (Basics of the Reformed Faith) by Bryan Chapell. Both were amazingly helpful, super interesting, and made for a great study on baptism from this perspective.

One of the things I love about this faith tradition is that children truly are considered part of God's family and part of the local and global church. So that's our story!

A marriage examined: Part II

For Part I, go here.

During our dating days we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Kevin and I had extremely similar values, and (as we later confirmed with a personality test :) ) similar personalities. We both liked to laugh, we loved to read, we went to the same church and came to have many friends in common. (Prior to meeting each other though we actually didn't have any mutual friends. It is actually thanks to Kevin that I ended up meeting Lara who would become one of my best friends.)

So yes, we were a lot alike. Both of us:

thoroughly disliked school, but loved learning.

thought seeking God mattered more than anything, even though we didn't do it perfectly.

were cheapskates.

had been raised in rural areas.

were extremely stubborn.

thought Seinfeld was really, really funny.

were introverts.

We did come from slightly different religious backgrounds--I was raised amidst evangelicalism, and Kevin grew up in a Lutheran church. Although he didn't identify himself as a Lutheran and didn't really hold their beliefs per se (the church we met at was non-denominational but I guess he didn't really believe all of their stuff either), I had this occasional paranoid feeling that he was suddenly going to revert back, we'd never be able to go to church together because the Lutherans wouldn't let me take communion, and that the church would someday force me to baptize my babies. Ha! (On a side-note, have you ever read much about Luther? He was a rather..."interesting" fellow. On another side note, all five of our children ARE baptized--that's another story for another day though.)

But that never happened. :) What did happen was that we had a lot of conversations about religion, and Jesus, and books we'd read. (I'd had God in an itty bitty box for so much of my life and it was fascinating being exposed to some different ideas.) God worked in our hearts to bring us--independently--to many of the same conclusions.

And overall I'd say we got along really well. We really believed in mutual respect within our relationship. (Later we'd also come to embrace the idea of mutual submission in a marriage relationship.) The disagreements we would have (nothing overly serious, don't worry) came mostly after we were engaged.

The stakes were higher.

It's hard work building a relationship and preparing for a life together.

We were young.

No one else we knew was really in our life-stage.

And quite frankly I think we waited too long to get married, period.

Yes I know those last two don't go together, but we knew we would marry, and I think the stage we were at in our relationship just didn't match our level of commitment. We were obviously very close--best friends, really--, engaged for nine long months, just plain wanting our life together to start...It was sort of like a holding pattern or balancing act, and while that can be a good thing, in our case it just wasn't. Not to mention we were committed to practicing abstinence outside of marriage, and that's a hard thing to fight for. Or at least it was for us. (Our reason for the nine month engagement was to minimize the amount of time Kevin would still have in school after we got married, which ended up not mattering anyway since he graduated earlier than expected.)

Still, we made it, got hitched and moved to Santa Barbara. We pictured living a simple life together that would include Kevin not being married to his job and me eventually at home, raising our 2-3 kids that we'd start having five years down the road--you know, we had to give ourselves time to really be together as a couple, to make our marriage really strong before adding children to the mix. While living out in the country, of course.

Ha, ha, ha. Hee, hee, hee.

So we didn't have everything figured out. (Not that we thought we did.) Turns out there was a lot God had yet for us to discover, an entirely new path and new way of viewing life. And marriage. And God's calling for us.

More on that soon.

It really is the little things

If you've been to my house, you know that I'm not good with seasonal decorating. Not that I don't WANT my house to look all festive, I just don't usually have the energy or creativity to pull it off. I keep telling myself "next year", but it has yet to happen.

Thus, I had no plans for a nice centerpiece or fancy place settings for our Thanksgiving dinner this year. It was just going to be us, and I didn't want to drop the money or exert the effort to find something worthy of being in the middle of the table. When the day arrived, I'd assumed the table would be bare.

At Anna's homeschool program earlier in the week though, she'd "woven" a placemat (blue and red construction paper). We happened to have some pumpkins in our cupboard from a co-op share someone had given me. And a random candle just sitting around the house. At the eleventh hour I figured a last-minute, makeshift centerpiece was maybe better than none at all--at least the kids would maybe like it, even if it did look funny.

I soon, however, discovered that Anna was SO PROUD of her placemat, and the centerpiece in general. Thrilled, really. The kids thought it was amazing. Which totally cracked me up.

Well, weeks later, Anna came home from the homeschool program and showed me a story she'd written in school that day. I believe the writing said, "The food was so good." Above that was her simple drawing of our Thanksgiving table. And in the center of the table: her placemat. And the assorted pumpkins, and the candle.

I share this silly little story because in my mind, a desirable centerpiece would have been something expensive and/or creative, that I wouldn't have let my kids touch. Instead, at the center of my table was something that ended up meaning a whole lot to my daughter. Maybe she'll always remember the year she made the centerpiece. I know that I, as her mommy, sure will. I'll also remember how we all went around the table sharing what we were thankful for, and my kids' answers included family, and grandparents, and Jesus.

Relationships and love and meaningful traditions are so much more important than material goods or status or...dare I say, Thanksgiving table decor. Thank goodness for our children and for the simple ways they teach us!

Life's purpose ramblings

I'm home from church with my girls again this morning and for some reason I'm reflecting on my life's purpose. And purpose in general. (I know, leave me alone and I start thinking. They say introverts have a "rich inner life", which is how I've decided to start describing my neuroticism and self-analysis. Heehee.)

Yesterday Kevin and I had a conversation about our family. We have those a lot. :) It went something like this:

Him: So when we adopt again, what are you thinking? What are the specifics?

Me: Oh I don't know, medical needs, probably siblings, at least one girl this time.

Him: We'll have to get a bigger car and figure out what to do with our minivan and Corolla.

Me: Yeah, I don't know. What are YOUR specifics?

Him: Oh, the same. We should adopt siblings. And I'm open to both having medical needs.

So now you know what we talk about over pancakes on Saturday mornings. :)

I think I'm finally becoming more comfortable with the idea that my family's purpose in life is...different than I imagined it on, say, my wedding day. I feel like I know so many people (in real life and online) who have similar situations, that it's not unusual or strange. (I know people with 11 children, and 10 children, and even twenty something children. I know people with HIV+ children, or children who have various other medical needs. None of that strikes me as uncommon.) But then I find myself in certain situations or settings where I realize, oh yeah, this is not the norm. (By "this" I mean having so many children, and being open to having more children, and having the desire to adopt more children.)

A few years ago I really wondered what God's purpose for our little family was. Kevin and I would have conversations about where we felt God wanted us. (Not that you ever probably fully discover that this side of eternity.) When we adopted our sons it didn't make sense to some people. "Why would you do that?" they wanted to know. (I also got my fair share of, "Do you have hired help?" questions, which always cracked me up. "You're looking at it!", I wanted to say. Instead I just awkwardly replied, "No"--and hoped they didn't think ill of my husband for not hiring me a live-in maid. :) )

Then when I got pregnant with little Katie Jane, everything became more awkward. Surely she must have been an "accident" (ugh). No? Well, then, now we must really be "done." Of course along came Mary Lu so apparently we were not. :)

At some point I started telling people that so long as there are children sitting around without families, here or abroad, I will never unequivocally say that we are done. (I also occasionally tell them that we don't use contraception, just NFP occasionally, but that's a whole other tangent.) How can I speak for God? I don't know what He has for us. I DO know that I can not officially shut down my heart and my home--both of which ultimately belong to the Lord--and say no with any degree of certainty. At the orphan care conference I went to last year, people kept talking about how God made children to be raised in families. And He wants them raised in families. My body, my finances, my heart, my time...yeah...all belong to Jesus. And I want to remain open to His call. Every day.

Now that we have five children I feel like people don't expect us to be "done" so much anymore. We've crossed some invisible threshold. It's been nearly four years (four!) since we brought Yosef and Biniam home. Mary is still small, and our wanting to adopt again is still just a pipe dream. Saturday morning breakfast table talk. But I feel like God is confirming and revealing more and more what our purpose is, where His heart is, and how we can respond. It's amazing and terrifying all at once. Life with Jesus is like that. And I love it.

What about you--is your or your family's purpose something you sit around thinking about? I would so love to hear about it!

Lazy Saturday

We're just home today, all seven of us. The three girls all have yucky colds, and so we're home. Kevin made apple cinnamon pancakes this morning, and we got to read for awhile, and now we're rearranging our living room furniture.

I love working on things arond the house with Kevin. Good thing, I guess, since our 98-year-old house is quite a project. (Let me be clear that Kevin does all of that stuff. I just give ideas.)

Anyhow, it's shaping up to be a quiet weekend. And here's a random question for you: how do you store your fruit? We eat a lot of it, and so I buy quite a bit at once. I just stack it on my counter, or sometimes put it in a huge bowl. What do you do?

A marriage examined: Part I

So I feel like I blog a lot about our family, and my kids, and adoption. I even have the occasional rant. I also like sharing about books I'm reading.

I DON'T blog about marriage all that much.

It's not because I don't have anything to say on the subject. I think part of it is, I'm a very private person (with a blog, I know, it makes no sense), and for some reason talking about my relationship with my husband feels more vulnerable than sharing what my kids ate for lunch, or than hounding people about adoption. Also, I am so not a cheesy, mushy sort of gal (nerdy, yes. Sappy, no.)

But I thought I would do some posts about my husband and me, since our relationship is obviously a huge part of who I am. I've been having so much fun reading the story of how my friend Jenny met her husband, and really, who doesn't like talking about relationships? (Okay maybe that's just my inner-aspiring-psychologist talking. So let me rephrase: I like talking about relationships.) So, without further ado:

We met in college, at church.

We got engaged about a year after we met.

We both think that was too long.

We were engaged for nine months.

We both think that was too long.

We've been married for seven and a half years.

Thankfully neither of us think that's too long. :)

In some (most?) ways, our dating relationship was more like a courtship than anything else. (Doesn't that sound old-fashioned? What can I say--we were the young, idealistic products of Joshua Harris' books. Remember him?) Kevin and I met, randomly hung out a few times,

the first being when we ran into each other at a Weird Al concert--don't judge,

Kevin eventually announced to me that he was "quite taken with me" (I'll never forget that use of words, or where we were when he said it: on campus sitting on some stone benches), and that he wanted to know if I felt the same because he wanted to pursue a relationship with me.

I acquiesced, but got cold feet later. He felt insecure at the Bebo Norman concert. Things got real awkward real fast. We exchanged some long emails and determined that we'd just get to know each other as friends first, pressure-free. (I am very, very noncomittal and indecisive. Poor Kevin.)

About a week or two later, we had what can only really be described as a business meeting at my apartment to reevaluate the relationship (as in, he'd done some thinking and praying and had written down some notes ahead of time. Oh yes. We are so awesome.) Through those long emails we'd exchanged, and over the week or so that had passed, I'd felt like God had shown me that this Kevin fellow was someone pretty great. (I didn't want to date for fun. Did I mention I'm noncomittal and indecisive? The thought of casually dating random people and having to maybe break up did NOT appeal to me in the least. Ever. It also felt like a huge waste of time--I'd rather be hanging out with friends. Or reading a book.)

One of the things we discussed at our "meeting" was the purpose of our relationship. I came out and said that I wasn't interested if it was just this random, date-for-who-knows-how-long type of deal. I thought dating should be to find someone to marry. (Check out how serious I was! At age 19 no less. Again, this was probably thanks to Joshua's ideas.) Kevin told me he felt the exact same way and that he wouldn't be pursuing me if he felt like he wasn't in a general place to make a commitment in the not-terribly-distant-future. (He knew Joshua too apparently.) Whew.

Funny thing is, this makes it sound like we are super serious people, but one of the huge things that attracted me to Kevin was his ability to make me laugh. Which he does every.single.day. He cracks me up. I think he's darn funny. Life is nothing without humor--don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :) Like I mentioned earlier, I guess we were just idealists in certain ways, and knew what we wanted, and what we didn't.

Interestingly, even during the time period where I felt unsure about starting up the relationship, I found myself looking for excuses to visit the bookstore where he worked. I'd feel excited when he'd drop by my apartment. I even went grocery shopping with him and his friend at 11 pm one night. (We had many a date at Albertson's.) I always looked forward to seeing him at college group midweek, and I always felt comfortable with him.

In the end though, I think what won me over more than the laughs or the late night Albertson's trips was his strength of conviction, and his kindness. He was kind to everyone. He didn't care about looking cool or what people thought about him. (Still doesn't, actually.) And he was so committed to Jesus and to living that out in his life. And, still is.

Deep down, both of us probably knew by the end of our business meeting that we were together for good. Not because we naively thought relationships always last, but because it seemed God had put us together and that there was substance to what we were doing. Still we committed to not becoming overly emotionally involved outside of engagement or marriage, because that seemed unwise. We never really called each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" (I always hated that, it seemed so corny and lame), I made sure not to call him too often, and to let him take the lead. We didn't talk about the future. We didn't say "I love you"--the first time Kevin told me was when he was down on one knee on a beach in Cambria, asking me to be his wife.

We DID have a great time together. We hung out, read the Bible, went to the beach, watched movies, talked (and laughed) for hours, spent time with dear friends, and yes went to Albertson's. It was an amazing relationship and a wonderful, treasured time in my life.

I was 20, and Kevin was 21 the day we got married. So many more thoughts to share, and I'm looking forward to doing that here in the days to come!!!

Doctors and Thursday tangents

So today I took Anna to the dermatologist to see about this little bump she has on her nose. To make the appointment, I just called up the first guy that my insurance showed would be approved, and his office is at Children's Hospital in Denver.

When I got there, I discovered that I apparently booked an appointment with the chief pediatric dermatologist there. Ha! I felt like I really got my copay's worth.

And can I just say that this hospital is A.MAZ.ING? Oh my goodness. It's ranked as one of the best children's hospitals in the country, and the facility is seriously remarkable. The doc was super nice, and prescribed a topical medication that'll make her nose get all red and irritated, and then hopefully the thing will go away. He actually couldn't say exactly what the bump is, so he wanted to start with this.

Poor Anna is tired of kids (and adults) asking her, "What's on your nose?", and I don't blame her. But honestly I think I'll miss the bump a little bit when it's gone.

Begin tangential discussion:

Today I was reminded of the crazy huge blessing it is to live in a nation where we have access to quality medical care. Maybe it's that I've been thinking about Haiti...or that I have the perpetual medical needs adoption bug...but I couldn't help picturing all the children sitting in orphanages around the world who need a family, and medical care. I read today that many, many people are stepping forward saying they want to adopt a Haitian child orphaned by the earthquake. Who knows how/if that will come to pass what with all the legal/ethical issues involved, but I find myself desperately wishing that people would step forward like this for all the children waiting for families around the world, orphaned by AIDS and the effects of poverty and disease. My goodness, what if we all just said enough is enough with the global orphan crisis, and got approved for foster care, or began the international adoption process? Kids are waiting. Waiting. There are no lines, or long waiting lists for families. The process isn't too hard for you to navigate. You're not too old/young. There are grants available, and organizations that can help you fundraise.

End tangent.

After leaving Children's, I stopped by Starbucks (which I have all of once a year or so) to get Anna a hot chocolate and mini scone. I told her she'd lived with a bump on her nose for the past several months, and was a great companion this morning, so she ought to have a treat. :) You'd think I'd given her a million dollars. (And I have to admit, as I sipped my annual peppermint white mocha I felt like I'd been given a million dollars too. :) )