Nature vs. nurture

Okay this post is by request (if anyone ever has any questions about adoption PLEASE feel free to ask). Lara asked me to blog about how our sons are like us, as opposed to not like us. In other words, will you be able to essentially see yourself in your adopted child?

I definitely think realistically everyone is a little of both. We're born with a temperament but then I also think we're greatly a product of our environment. I look at each of my three older kids and can see ways in which they're like Kevin or I, and different.

Anna for example is easy-going, but stubborn. She gets the stubborn streak from me.

And Biniam TOTALLY reminds me of my dad!!! We always say they must have a genetic link somehow. My dad is the ultimate obsessive compulsive cleaner (ie if you finish your drink and leave your glass for two seconds, it's gauranteed to be sitting in the dishwasher when you come back for it!) Well, guess what, so is Biniam! He loves to straighten rugs, pick things up, I'll barely take my last bite of something before he grabs my plate to take it to the counter! He also likes to walk around with his hands clasped behind his back (we say he likes to "supervise.") This is also just like how my dad stands! It's honestly really eerie. My dad is also probably his favorite person in the world. They have a really special connection, it's priceless.

The two children with the most similar personalities to each other (taking into account gender differences) would probably have to be Biniam and Anna, NOT Biniam and Yosef! Bin and Anna are both independent, not super sensitive, and both seem to have great senses of humor. Yosef is more the happy go lucky, "I'll laugh at everything" type, who also happens to be a bit sensitive. We think as they get older, Anna and Biniam will be making the jokes, and Yosef will be the one laughing. There are definitely major similarities between Yosef and Biniam (they're both much more compliant than Anna, less emotional overall, need less sleep and tend to have this instinct to look out for each other, but some of that is gender related I think. And the instinct to look out for their siblings, I wonder if that is "nurture" from their orphanage days somehow?)

The kids have certain things they say that they pick up from each other. I don't know if this will translate into mannerisms too or not. In all honesty I don't see Anna using mannerisms/expressions that remind me of Kevin and I, nor do I think she looks like us; we always say she is SO her own person! In addition, our desire is for our sons to be able to be "culturally Black." Will they seem less like our sons if they become culturally Black? Honestly, I don't think so. What makes a child feel like your child? Their looks? Their personality? I sure don't think so. I think this is one of the beautiful mysteries of the gift of parenthood. The way God knits your hearts together and grows you as a family. The way He gives you a child to love, whether through birth or adoption, and how that child is truly unique, but at the same time, your child. Many people doubt this (why do you think European adoptions so popular among Whites? Or why Caucasian infants are in such high demand for adoption in this country?) It is a subtle shift but I think it's the difference between seeing a child as a gift vs. a right, as a blessing vs. a given.

This has been really interesting to think through. I will close by saying that having a child not genetically related to you is really pretty amazing. Getting to know them is like unwrapping a wonderful gift. It is so exciting to think about what they'll be good at, what they'll be like, and it's a great reminder that parenting is not about molding a child into your likeness. Our kids are not extensions of us; they are their own individual, unique person, whether born to us or not. I suppose the hope is to take that unique temperament and cherish it and nurture it and guide it so that the child can reach his or her unique, God-given potential.