Thursday, October 02, 2008

Great quote, great book

"The child's instincts to keep close to us can get in our way and frustrate us. We do not welcome the work of attachment when it is seperation we crave, whether for purposes of work, school, sex, sanity, or sleep. Our society is so topsy-turvy that we may actually come to value the child's willingness to seperate more than her instincts for closeness. Unfortunately, we cannot have it both ways...We should be thankful for the assistance attachment provides in holding our children close...We need to learn to parent in harmony with this design rather than fight against it."

Currently reading a wonderful book called "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" (thanks to Lisa for the recommendation, and to the Denver Public Library System for being so totally awesome. Oh, how I love thee and thou limitless availability of free books.) It's written by two psychiatrists and is just plain fascinating. SO insightful, and is making SO MUCH sense to me. Talks a lot about attachment too, which of course being an adoptive mom (and somewhat of an attachment-parenting subscriber) I am very interested in.

Basically the book talks about how today there are all of these "experts" who we parents turn to for advice and in the end, behavior modification. But that ultimately, it is our RELATIONSHIP with our child that will matter most in terms of discipline and our ability to parent. And to maintain a healthy relationship, we need to make sure our kids are more parent-oriented than peer-oriented.

I grant that I was a Psychology major in college who had big dreams of becoming a family therapist :), so I probably tend to love books like this anyway. But I really think this book is an EXCELLENT resource for parents and I'm even finding it helpful in explaining some of how I acted growing up. For adoptive parents who have done their fair share of reading about attachment already, it delves into another side of the whole thing.

So if you're interested, go read it! And let me know what you think.

(Oh and I find that having four children, I DO find myself filling--although also probably needing!--the role of family therapist rather often. That, and policeman...can't say I ever wanted to go into law enforcement, though!)


this is us said...

I reserved this book yesterday on your recommendation. Can't wait til the library has it ready for me!!!


Jacquelyn said...

another vote for homeschooling!

Anonymous said...

Perfect timing to read this today. My 3-year-old has a birthday coming up, and I've been feeling sad for him because he doesn't have many buddies to invite to a party. Gee, darn, his best friend is his brother! He's my first to not go to pre-school, and I find myself worrying about social issues... I needed this post to remind me why he's not in preschool! My four kids love to play together, and I'm so thankful to have them home with me. It puts more pressure on Ted and me to be the positive role-models they need, but that's where prayer comes in, right? :)
And like Jacquelyn said, this is a reason for choosing to homeschool. I've got to read this book.

darci said...

I heard the author speak two years ago at our homeschooling convention! Awesome! Bought the book and devoured it too. If you ever get the chance to hear him it's worth it. He spoke alot more in depth about styles of learning, too, which was great.

Brianna Heldt said...

penny, i so know how you feel. none of my kids have ever done preschool (much to some peoples' dismay--ah, but that's another blogpost entirely. :) ) as a result, they haven't had too many little friends that i would classify as "close". but my kids adore each other, include their baby sister in most any activity they do, and seem well-adjusted socially. here in denver there are kids we do see more regularly, and i also kinda figure that there will be so much time for building friendships in the years to come.

darci, that is too cool! i love hearing/seeing different interesting speakers.

oh and just an fyi about the book--it's not written from an overt Christian perspective, but it is excellent, so i hope that doesn't turn anyone off!

Sandie said...

This is my all time most favorite parenting book. Read it when it first came out and keep rereading it. I have only ever lurked here...started reading your blog right before your boys came home when we were waiting to bring our son home from Ethiopia. BUT, had to comment on this one!
Mom to 6

Brianna Heldt said...

Hi Sandie! Thanks for commenting! I'm really enjoying the book.


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