Maybe blogging is a good discipline, because it forces you to regularly reflect and put forth thoughts, even when it doesn't come naturally.
OR it's just a really maddening exercise in narcissism and futility. :)
All of the above, perhaps?
Anyway.
New Year's Eve 2010 marked two years since we lost our (second) baby. So I've been reflecting a bit on that in recent weeks, and on the miracle of Mary Lu, conceived two weeks after that miscarriage. It feels extra miraculous because after my first miscarriage in 2004, we did not get pregnant again for a really long time. Secondary infertility I suppose--although nothing was physically wrong, and I believe God is ultimately in control of these things, so I don't really feel like that is an accurate term.
Then the annual March for Life was a few days ago, coinciding with the 38th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, so I've been reading articles about that. Some really good, encouraging stuff.
As the result of all of this reflection that I am oh-so-prone-to, this week as I've been putting Mary down for bed at night or for a nap, after telling her I love her, I've also spoken the words "I'm so glad you're here."
And I mean it. I really am glad she's here. The same goes for all of my children. I look at them and think about how positively miraculous and astounding it is that God created each and every one of them.
Each child a miracle. Each child's story a tale of God's goodness and mercy.
I think about Anna, our first-born, about how we left behind our felt-need and desire to put off having children and made the decision to trust God. (Initially motivated by the pill making me a crazed lunatic, of course. Which was awful, but in a sense I suppose I should thank God that it ended up not being a viable option for me. Who knows how I would have attempted to rationalize its use, even knowing how it purports to work?) Who, because He is gracious and has better plans than ours, decided to give us this gift of a child. Who I can't imagine life without.
Then I think about the baby we lost when Anna was eight months old. So incredibly sad. And yet this baby taught us so much, this baby who we have yet to meet. We learned a bit about life and about love, somehow, through this little one's death. Does that sound strange? Morbid? Maybe. But it's true. If given the chance I would obviously choose for my baby to have lived past six weeks, without a doubt (!), but somehow there is redemption in the way things turned out.
I think about Yosef and Biniam, our sons who are adopted. I think about what their early life was like, and about how we have been given the amazing gift of raising them as our children. They ARE our children. Not born to me, no, they were born to someone else. But somehow through the hopelessness that marked their situation, God has provided them a family, and us two, precious sons. None of us really know life any other way. Hard to fathom what our family would be like without the energy and love our boys bring to it each and every day. Truly a miracle.
Then there's Kaitlyn...and her story is so precious to me, because four months after our sweet boys came home, we found out she was on the way. I remember feeling incredibly blessed, to the point where it all seemed too much to take in. Twin sons just home...the gift of a new baby after the loss of a miscarriage and the wondering if we'd ever have a baby again. Such profound healing. And she continues to be a huge spot of joy in our lives, no matter the circumstances.
And now Mary, the miracle I will never fully understand, because yet again I long to parent the baby I miscarried two years ago...but if I had, Mary wouldn't be here. We'd scarcely begun grieving that loss when the two lines appeared on the pregnancy test. God was giving us another little one. So we rejoiced, amidst the grief. We continued to grieve, even though we also delighted in this new life from the Lord. I look at her now and am just profoundly thankful, and in utter and complete awe of God's mercy.
So yes, I am so glad that she, and the rest of my children, are here.
And I am praising God for life today.
